things that keep me up at night... not defined, really.

I think the things that keep me up at night, sometimes pool into a consistence of nothing but anger. I'm angry with myself, for sure. I've made so many just outright wrong decisions in my life. If I had taken many other pathways, I would be just fine right now. I didn't though. I'm stubborn. Sometimes, I truly think that I make a decision purely based on the fact that is wrong. That is the only way I can make sense out of all the bad choices, anyways. I build up this front, this front that is such a paradox of what I actually am. It's as if I am "girl no one can hurt" by day and "girl who hates every fiber of her being" by night. I don't say this to seem like I have nothing but disdain for myself, because that is not true. I take pride in my opinions and intelligence; and I think if people take the time to understand me, they won't be disappointed. It's just not worth it, sometimes... for some people... Maybe I should just get on sleep pill by night and caffeine pill by morning regimen, at least until I learn to deal with the things that worry me at night.

I've been blogging too much the last few days...

One of my favorite songs, ever.

And I get this is what you think of me.

You're not the first.

Too bad I'm not into coke. HEH

Figured you out -- Nickleback
I like your pants around your feet
I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favourite damn disease

And I love the places that we go
And I love the people that you know
And I love the way you can't say no
Too many long lines in a row
I love the powder on your nose

Ooooh
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out

I like the freckles on your chest
And I like the way you like me best
And I like the way you're not impressed,
While you put me to the test
I like the wine stains on your dress

And I love the way you pass the check
And I love the good times that you wreck
And I love your lack of self respect
While you're passed out on the deck
I love my hands around your neck

And I hate the places that we go
And I hate the people that you know
And I hate the way you can't say no
Too many long lines in a row
I hate the powder on your nose

And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out

Word Spew

Ravenous, ruined wreck
Greedy, gullible guile
Malicious, monotonous muse
Forced from feedom,
Stolen so secretely,
Trampled to threads.

Re-won, revisited, re-lost
Unwound, unnerved, unloved
Disregarded, discerned, dislodged
Worldliness will win,
Hatred hides humanity,
Love leaves life.

Black
Cold
Lost
Confused
Mourning

~My Heart~

Confusion... mad,mad ramblings

Pages of incoherent babblings could be proof that there is a lot on my mind, but it is not. I feel blank. I couldn't sleep this morning when i finally got home around 5 am. I've had many moments of just staring into oblivion in the past day. Nothing there. No feeling. No thoughts. Just confusion. What I wrote, instead of sleeping, is just plain madness. I couldn't even try to make a compilation of the thoughts for a blog post. I wouldn't know where to start or end... I think I've realized that this confusion... this emptiness... is the void of which is so often profoundly spoken. Maybe I have been trying to fill my void with the wrong things. It never felt like a desperate cry to make my lacking on other aspects be lessened. I suppose that since i do not keep my feelings and thoughts to myself often, then I wouldn't keep my lack of feeling to myself either. If i take away all the "fillers" or even if I just leave them there, at the end of the day the void will be there. It will be there unless I fix it. People can trash talk me all day. They will never feel as poorly about myself as I do. It's an underlying problem too, not just some obvious dejected thought. When someone feels the need to place the feeling onto an audible concept, it makes me realize they may not be capable of my paticular complex deduction of self. Somedays i wish it wasn't even a trait i possessed. Sleep is more desireable. Moving on is more desireable, too. When the obstacles to getting what you want have nothing to do with your or the prized possession, it becomes a game of strength, no longer wit. And then I don't care if i bear strength nor wit. I wouldn't lose more sleep over the realization i am not always strong. I know i have strong points. It doesn't scare me to have my weaknesses out in the open. I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with that statement.

food for thought

this is something a friend of mine found and posted, so i'm recirculating the oh-so-true message :)

You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are Their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

May we all be COFFEE.

it took a while

The way I've been acting lately has been very uncharacteristic. I've never responded to negativity with weakness. I'm back on track though, after a reasonable discussion with mama bear and getting things off my chest to go-to guy... I really do get it. I feel like I can look back at what I did that seemed crazy and accept them as attempts to keep a friendship. Maybe I acted differently just because I really did want to keep that... and I've never felt so drawn to do so for anyone else. Every time we've talked lately we've been on different pages, different chapters even, of the book. My suggestion of hanging out was his interpretation of wanting to seduce him, and everything I said just "pointed" to that somehow. My genuine concern and burden for him was just infatuation to him. Infatuation because he has a magic stick... of course. It surprised me to hear that the one who is quick to point out a "golden pussy" syndrome has the same characteristics of a virile version of the same. These are not short-comings, only a confirmation of the impaired judgment of our civilized race. We see what we choose. We know what we choose. I don't hold strong to the concept that people will realize when they misjudge a scenario, and make amends. That is only true in the fantasy world of movies and lyrics, because real people are stubborn. I am, of course, part of this breed. This makes me completely subject to all my previous criticisms. I will say I wish I would strive harder to be the woman of proverbs 31. Here is a short list of my missing characteristics to become so: pious, pure, loyal, kind, selfless, strong, patient, cheerful, wise, dignified, resourceful, discreet, trust-worthy, diligent, and takes care of her family. She actually sounds pretty amazing. Maybe I should take my own advice, instead of accepting the defeat of never achieving such an amazing standard: "Perfection exists, but is often unattainable. Strive for greatness, and you may even exceed perfection."

really feeling these lyrics today...

Remedy -- Seether

Throw your dollar bills and leave your thrills all here with me
Speak but don't pretend I won't defend you anymore you see
It aches in every bone, I'll die alone, but not for you
My eyes don't need to see that ugly thing, I know it's me you fear
If you want me hold me back

Frail, the skin is dry and pale, the pain will never fail
And so we go back to the remedy
Clip the wings that get you high, just leave them where they lie
And tell yourself, 'You'll be the death of me'

I don't need a friend, I need to mend so far away
So come sit by the fire and play a while, but you can't stay too long
It aches in every bone, I'll die alone, but not for pleasure
I see my heart explode, it's been eroded by the weather here
If you want me hold me back

Frail, the skin is dry and pale, the pain will never fail
And so we go back to the remedy
Clip the wings that get you high, just leave them where they lie
And tell yourself, 'You'll be the death of me'

Frail, the skin is dry and pale, the pain will never fail
And so we go back to the remedy
Clip the wings that get you high, just leave them where they lie
And tell yourself, 'You'll be the death of me'

Hold your eyes closed, take me in
Hold your eyes closed, take me in

Frail, the skin is dry and pale, the pain will never fail
And so we go back to the remedy
Clip the wings that get you high, just leave them where they lie
And tell yourself, 'You'll be the death of me'

Frail, the skin is dry and pale, the pain will never fail
And so we go back to the remedy
Clip the wings that get you high, just leave them where they lie
And tell yourself, 'You'll be the death of me'

the recreation of this woman...

I'm ready for change and motivation. I've gotten a new mindset in thought that I would share, but fear I'll fail to meet the expectations I've set ahead and couldn't deal with the embarrassment of that. It will involve, for sure: less greed. Less food, less drinking, less attention, less men, less laziness, less fear of myself... more God, more exercise, more motivation, more alone time, more happiness, more accomplishments, more money, and more pride. I think that list seems long, but they all go hand in hand with this new mindset. As in less fear of myself will lead to more alone time, which I really do need. I don't consider those things which I'm lessening all that horrible, or something that I couldn't go back to after I've developed (reverted back, really) into the strong, independent woman I once admired. I'm not quite sure what happened to her, but I'm confident that she still exists within me. I just can't handle how I've been acting lately. My lifestyle is making me someone I'm not. I have a list of goals and they will become my new life. I'm probably going to seem extremely unsocial, but I need this for me. It isn't about anyone else. An overwhelming loneliness is the only thing that kick me back into gear.

And then maybe I can start to welcome in (but never search for) a man who can handle me. Someone that is a stronger leader in faith and in love. After this, maybe I could be with a man who God actually wants me to be joined.

Not one who has stronger religious views... but different because that did not work. Not one who has higher ambitions because that was so fake and did not work. Not one who seems to be so perfect, but underneath it all was so wrong... so childish and did not work. All three of those "loves" of my life I had to eventually let go and dismiss, and I don't plan on wasting that kind of time on another man (or boy) again.

Reposted thoughts

Unrequited Seduction
Standing in front of a crowd of a thousand,
My body convulses and my mind turns blank.
Trying to forget how my soul has been damned,
How I've been demoted to the lowest rank.

My mouth trys to utter an apology,
While all the piercing eyes shout their disbelief.
They make feel I deserve this agony.
Regret settles in. There will be no relief.

Shaking fists, mutterance of "crucify her,"
Vagueness, terror, suffering, embarrassment.
My mother, how could I defy her?
My father, why all the harassment?

That's what it all comes down to: social status.
How could this offspring of theirs be so horrid,
How could this young daughter have so much malice?
Sweat bands feel as if they're piercing my forehead.

I'm damn sick of being a people pleaser.
Its not something in my bones, body, or belief.
I love to be free, to be a men teaser,
To be myself is an ever sweet relief.

Now I stand for all th fucking crowd to see.
Not bodly, not energetic, but naked,
See my imperfections, my indecency.
See my temper, the reason I am hated.

This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
I'm ready for all of your criticism.
This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
Try to settle down, contain your orgasm.

Really, this is my stage to you.
You'll never be up here with me.
I'll never long to be with you.
Understand, you can't change me.

I'm the opposite of a people pleaser.
-- I am lonely --
Stubborness will keep me forever up here.
Lack of interest will keep the crowd down there.

I'm not sure if I'm ever going to find someone that can make me overcome this... I wrote it in '04....

stephanie presents: how to... (this is long, lol)

how to have a bad day:

make sure you oversleep.
allow people to walk all over you.
do everything "wrong" at work and care too much about actually doing it "right."
let the stuff that you shouldn't have to worry about frustrate you when it's done wrong by others.
eat food that will make you sick.
drive even though you were hoping (thought you asked) the others to do so.
encourage friend to take shots before leaving to go dtown.
don't get gas.
don't look up directions on your own.
do not understand that "go right" means "go left" and vice versa.
giggle too much.
cut someone off in your blind stop.
get extremely lost.
freak out b/c your gas meter has been on the e for the last 15, and is dropping below.
act stupider then any ditz you've ever met.
and then act even ditzier.
forget your not driving a little echo and run into a stationary wall while whipping into a parking spot, fucking up your new car.
be upset.
extremely upset.
avoid panic attack by letting drunk ppl tell you its fixable.
decide you shouldn't ever be allowed to drive a car.
hell, you shouldn't be allowed to be IN one.
act ditzy again.
forget to bring a tampon to change.
let drunken friends drink more.
allow lots of wine to be spilled all over your dress. (wine flavored vstring, anyone?)
realize you're going to HAVE to drive home b/c friends can't even stand up straight
allow them to drink more? wtf?
allow friend to insist on going the wrong way to the car, three times
leave friend w/ random stranger (ok, not extremely random, he worked there) so that you don't have to drag her three flights of steps
leave parking deck going the wrong direction?
friend is still standing in front of club.
accidentally get on downtown expressway.
run toll because you have no change.
listen to friend in back seat repeat over and over "where's jessica?"
call up guy (who thinks you're the biggest ditz in the world) to get directions back.
finally figure it out, friend is still alive. yay!!!
realize tank has been on empty for a long time...
take drunk person's advice to get to nearest gas station....
forget that "left" is still "right" and vice versa

after finally making it home, agree that this should be done again....


heh

to have a good day:
just do the opposite of everything above