It would have been polite.

I have this blog, and it kind of proves that I don't care if you people know shit about me. I mean, deep down dirty shit. When I try to psycho-analyze myself, I come up with the theory that I feel as if there has to be a balance in my mind. I lie to my parents almost everyday and have been doing so since I was very young. The balance lies in everyone else in my life, or even strangers, must know the pure truth about me. This blog is like an AA meeting for me. Where I come to the first step: admittance. I kinda pause there though. Like admitting that I did something wrong makes anything better. I don't have time to compensate in any other way. Life is too busy and there is too much I want to get done.
As I've stated before, I track who visits my site. There are my norm viewers. I recognize their internet protocol numbers as soon as I see them. There are the people who just run into my page by pure boredom of web surfing. There are the people that see my blog site url posted on myspace or another internet profile... but I really don't get high volume traffic b/c it's not like I'm saying anything all that special on here. Well, something has caught someone's eye. The something being my post "with all morality lacking." I thought about deleting b/c the whole story wasn't ever really put out in the open... at least not on his side of things. I didn't delete it though, and although I still think it might have been the polite thing to do. It's too late for that now... this site has already gotten 50 some hits to look at it. I have nothing to hide though. I guess it's only cool to the person that doesn't get hurt. And I haven't gotten hurt, even with someone attempting to do that to me. It won't work b/c she's going about it in the wrong manner. James and I are inseperable for life... even if though we are temporally seperated by distance. I can't wait till he moves here!!! :) My life will truly be perfect then... or close enough for me.

falling so hard never felt this good

I'm another year older and I still haven't accomplished much in this life I'm living. I feel great though. I'm so happy with James. Nothing can really top that.

I love my boyfriend

haha, I"m one of those dorky girls that say shit like that... heaven help us.

missing him...

This weekend really was great. It seems every time things just get better, and saying good-bye is ten times harder...

The reasons I know I'm scared.

When I look back at every "relationship," I've been in all I can think of are the bad times.

I remember fighting every day...

I remember being a complete bitch.

I hated myself more than I hated him.

I felt restricted... possessed... and obligated.

I guess I could sit here and slander every relationship I've ever had with someone, but that's not really what is on my mind right now. I've always fought to be single because it's so less complicated. You don't have anyone else to worry about but yourself... but what happens when you can't help but to think about someone else, regardless of being "with them." I mean, can I really fight this so much longer?

It's quite obvious who I'm talking about... but in case you're out of the loop... I'll go ahead and explain.

Jen (best friend) tried to set me and james up like... 3 or 4.... is still don't know... years ago. I was in one of those I-don't-want-a-relationship stages of my life. Nothing ever came of it and he moved to fucking PA. We started talking a lot in the past 3 months and the first weekend of this month I went to visit him... it was great. I feel so content when I'm around him. We planned for him to come see me on my birthday... but my birthday is on September 17th and I've already seen him twice since then... he's even planning on coming this weekend too. One time he came down and once we met in the middle... isn't that adorable? We talk all the time... pretty much all day through texts... and fall asleep on the phone most nights. I'm just so freaking happy.. I don't want to lose this... and that is why I'm so scared.

The Cosmopolitan Girl

A conversation a few weeks ago led to one of my friends commenting to me that my stories always sound like something out of cosmo. She then told me, "you should have a blog!" I was like... duh, I do! I don't think my escapades of infatuation, awkward sexual moments, and shameful drama are that which my blog readers would enjoy or more imporantly, I would feel like sharing. I could tell the stories... but then why would I have specific close friends to spill my guts to? And really, even though I would tell even a stranger most of the details of my life, I don't find them necessary pieces of information. For this friend, that's what we talk about though. It's weird because we aren't exactly best friends, but we both know things that each other's best friends don't know.
I guess I could start leaving really juicy stories... tell ppl to read them and work up an audience, but knowing what kind of attention that would bring... I think I'll stick to my random thoughts that just pop into my head... not dramatic details of a life that I hardly enjoy.

Stay Gone -- Jimmy Wayne

I've found peace of mind;
I'm feeling good a gain.
I'm on the other side,
Back among the living,
Ain't a cloud in the sky,
All my tears have been cried;
And I can finally say,
Baby, baby stay,
Stay right where you are.
I like this way;
It's good for my heart.
I haven't felt like this,
In God knows how long,
I know everything's gonna be okay,
If you just stay gone.

I still love you,
And I will forever.
We can't hide the truth,
We know each other better.
When we try to make it work,
We both end up hurt;
And it ain't supposed to be that way.
So baby, baby stay,
Stay right where you are.
I like it this way;
It's good for my heart.
I haven't felt like this,
In God knows how long,
I know everything's gonna be alright,
If you just stay gone.

With All Morality Lacking (I didn't mean for this to be so long)

I don't know how many times in the past 4 or 5 years I have adamantly claimed I could never be that girl that a guy cheats on his woman with. NEVER.
And although a kiss is not cheating per say, I feel like a horrible piece of blah right now. Just spent a drive home in tears. I could blame the tequila, afterall, anyone that drinks w/ me knows better than to slip tequila into my drinks. It might be funny at first... but it's very hard to calm me down; and I get very... VERY fucked up.
I could blame the guy, afterall it was his commitment and his marriage, not mine. I mean why should I be bound to the rules of a decision I didn't even make?
I could just plain blame the situation... the fact that people around me were setting me up for it. Acting like it was their entertainment of the night.
I could just make up reasons why it happened. They might make me feel better; and, even better, they might make you feel better about what I did.
I just can't do that though. I was in the wrong. I will start the story from the beginning
I have this great friend who invites me over to her house normally on the weekends. There is normally alcohol and a whole lot of fun involved. She's crazy... so is her fiance and her friends that chill there are just great. I guess it was two weeks ago? I'm not sure. I got completely plastered with her. If you know anything about me being plastered lately, you will know that the two of us then started to make out. Just b/c that's how I've become!! HAHA. There are generally a group of people over there... sometimes a lot, sometimes just a few. When everyone had left, it was just me, my friend, her fiance, a lady that lives with them, two random quiet guys, and this hot married guy. Now I knew that he was married b/c we had talked about this before, about him not being happy with his recent civil bonding. I was supposed to go out that night, but deciding to stay in with them and just have fun. There were shots of everything being handed to me. Everclear, tequila, rum, vodka, wild turkey, umm... well, anything and everything that was handed to me. We played music... I danced... b/c I love to dance. People joined... the married guy joined. We had fun. I definitely remember kissing him. I remember throwing my guts up. I was told in the morning that we "made out," but I'm quite sure there wasn't more than a few innocent kisses. I thought it was funny, told myself never to do it again, and went on with things. The people there weren't going to tell his wife. No big deal.
So last night... last night I came over so we could watch fireworks (so the cops would come for like the third weekend in a row)... there was a nice crowd of people drinking, as usual. His wife was there... she didn't' seem to social, but whatever. I don't think I met her. I was having fun, planning on going out later. I had a margarita made with rum, so that I wouldn't get all messed up... but then when a different person made the second one it had tequila in it. yeah... gotta love me when I have tequila in me. I talked to that guy for a while. He has this look in his eyes that draws me. It's like he's not afraid to look at me straight on and lock eyes. I don't know why I'm so attracted to him. Maybe it boils down to the everfamous wanting what you can't have syndrome. I've seemed to be familiar with that lately. Wanting guys that aren't even freaking here!! Not just an hour away... but states away... why? Anyways, back to the story, I started acting probably sluttish. Apparantly guys were taking titty shots off of me(not there is anything to take a shot off of, ha)... I was just being social... at some point his wife left. I made out with some other guy that's girlfriend had just left. Not really sure HOW that happened. Anyways, I went over and talked to him and he was pulling me close. I knew people were watching. I pulled him aside and told him that we needed to not act like this. People were there that would tell his wife, and we shouldn't be acting like this regardless. That didn't seem to matter. I asked him if they would tell, and he said he trusted them. At some point we end up making out on the couch. I take full responsibility. I was allowing all of this... to be made a spectacle. I just smiled and enjoyed myself throughout the night... It's wrong of me to be such an attention whore. One of his guy friends came over to talk to him, but got pissed when he got close and yanked him away. They started into it for a bit. Of course, they were cool guys. I would hope if I were him, that I would have friends like that. They just kept saying "i love you man" and he left. So here I am, sitting there, people pissed... and they don't want me to leave making awkward random conversation. I walk outside and people are still just kinda being cool w/ me... saying that they aren't mad at me, but he doesn't need to be doing that. They knew his wife and said that she didn't deserve this. It kind of made me feel like some random whore who was just making out w/ him... that there wasn't really mutual hardcore attraction. That that wasn't what I wanted, when in reality, and in that moment. That is what I wanted. I wanted there to be no one else there... It's so horrid of me to say. To see the words in front of me, disgusts me. I left, even though they didn't want me to because they thought I was too drunk to drive. I was fine. I went somewhere where I better belong. I love that I could go somewhere like that.
Now today, I must face the regrets of what I did. I went over to my friend's to get my flip flops that I had left. I talked to her a bit. She was reasonable about the whole situation. Obviously, not happy, but told me I was still welcome. Now I don't know what I want to do. I mean, I go back there next weekend and everyone hates me and I get to apologize to everyone... or I wait it out a bit and when I do show up... I'll still be known as that whore. Especially since he went home and told his wife before anyone else did. She told him she never wanted to see him again. I fucking ruined someone's marriage... or at least I feel like I did. That is why I spent my drive home crying. I don't know how much I like this person that I've become. I mean... somedays I really do. I have so much fun, and I feel so free. I can't stand the thought of hurting people w/ my fun though, and I know that is exactly what I did.

Miss Lamentations

That is my log-in name for this website. I think I picked well. Miss implying that I'm a young woman... it almost already makes me sound whiny, and then lamentations, how much more overly dramatic can I be? Lamenting is something someone does when they are in atrocious agony, not when someone stands them up for dinner. When I started this blog... what, three years ago? I was having a hard time relapsing from my eating disorders. Finding distortion attractive. One day I was starving myself, the next day completely normal. One day I was talking to people like I was psycho saying things about eating is for the weak and so forth, the next day I would have taken offense if you looked at me funny for not finishing my salad. It's funny how that time of my life is so clear to me... those times in my life always do seem to be clear. When I'm fucked up, apparantly it makes a lasting impression on my mind, but don't ask me what I did yesterday because first you would have to tell me what day of the week yesterday was.

Recent Likes:
Intoxication
Dancing
Standing out in a crowd
Kissing females that it doesn't freak out
Kissing females that it does freak out
Letting myself be free
Living in the moment
Having my drinks bought for me
Lack of Drama
BEACH DAY TODAY!!!
My new friends
My new friends that I've become extemely close too.
My old friends, jennifer, jessica, cheryl b/c they amaze me.
No attachments
Caffeine
Staying out all night in the middle of the week
Having the time of my life

Recent Dislikes:
GhettoFabulous Jamaica "Club"s
Mornings
Laundry, which I've yet to do more than like a half a load of the 30 I need to do... literally...
People that don't get me, b/c they don't try.
Fat rolls
Working
People whose names start w/ c and end with y that are complete idiots.
My mother's constant bitching (oh, there it is again).
Living at home still! I was supposed to move out this month!
My fureakin' laziness
Ezcema
and feeling like I want to explode when I see Mike. I want to get over this horrible feeling in my gut when I see his face. It's like it's still bruised up in my mind. I'm not saying I want to be best buds with him; I just don't want to hate him. I don't want to hate anyone ~sigh~

OH WAIT
Did I mention I'm going to the beach today? I'm off today! Hooray!

Today is going to be an amazingly fabulous event.
I'm off to clean now.

It has been a while

Well, my life has been moving in a fast pace. One I'm setting, not anyone else. I am enjoying my "independece," as I am calling it. Really, I have never felt like I do right now. I feel free and happy. Not because mike and I broke up, or for any paticular reason. It is just combination of my feelings, circumstances, and surroundings. I have my obligations: work, family, and taking care of myself; but they all seem to fit into what I want. I want to be busy at work. I want to see my family, especially my sis who just moved back to virginia. And well, taking care of myself, is something that I have learned and practiced but forgot to do for a while. I have goals, but they aren't overwhelming me. I know what I have to get done, and all it will take is a boost of motivation. Going out and h aving fun is so EASY now. I can just call up my friends or someone I met and want to get to know.. and go out. No drama needed. I'm loving it. I feel wanted and fun and energized again. My days are generally planned to t he moment, but if they aren't I can just enjoy some r&r time. I"m not bragging or gloating. I hope everyone gets a chance in their life like this one I am experiencing right now. I've had so much fun, made so many new friends, and have been reminded of those who will always be there for me.
I am truly happy, and I hope this is an attitude I will be able to carry throughout the rest of my life. I hope the same for you. So when you see me, notice the glimmer in my eye, and do know that it isn't that fake one t hat I sometimes put on for show; but a look of a girl who holds no grudges or regrets in the back of her mind. A girl who you will love to know.

a thought reposted

This is a technique the Eskimos use to massively hunt wolves. They take a knife and kill one drenching the knife w/ the wolf's blood and then freezing it on. Once the blood freezes on, they dip it again and freeze. They do this repeatedly until the knife has a nice thick coating of blood, and then they sit several out in the middle of a field where they are having problems w/ lots of wolves. The wolves will smell that blood and find it. Desiring flesh, they lick the blood off the knife... As it melts and they taste the blood in their mouth, it makes them want more and more. They lick all the cold blood off and then they start to taste warm blood, not realizing it is their own. They lick and lick until they can't anymore. Soon, they can be found.... not far from the knife with bloody mouths and lifeless bodies. Isn't sad how our addiction sins: lust, greed, and jealously can do the same to us. We dont' always realize what we are doing to ourselves. I guess the main thing to remember... everything in moderation. Gluttonous desires destroy a person.

More mad confessions

I feel the need to confess that I am a violent person. Then again, I'm not the one that just broke a wall sconce(sp). I will admit that I need help. I'm sure that sitting on a couch and revealing my inner thoughts will only bring out more problems than I need. Maybe this is the only communication my psyche understands. There are a lot of things that have made me boiling mad that I have never talked out... they just disappeared or faded, and I moved on or pretended like I did. Today, in a sort of outline form, consisted of the following. I worked 7:30a.m. to 10:30p.m. Went to a mardi gra party of a friend afterward. I had fun but stayed out much later than I should have.... drank much more than I should have.... and we can say the same for Mike. He was sweet when we got home offering to caress me and "take care" of me since my knee is killing me. Something turned wrong. He misunderstood my "i'm tired" and got all distant. I can't take not being understood. I think that is one of my truest weaknesses. It's like I open up to the world and I find myself so easy to understand, why would someone not be able to read me? We exchanged words... somewhere along the line he said "just leave me alone." Of course I have to take this to an extreme, and told him "no, this is my house. You leave." Naturally, unwanted feelings make most people leave... he went to sleep on the couch. This boiled inside of me, literally, I could feel the anger burning in me. I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with that statement, but it's completely true. That's when I turned abusive or whatever you want to call it. He was ignoring me... and I suppose one slap would be okay; but he just layed there, eyes closed, not flinching. He knew that would just kinder more anger. At this point I'm like walking in and out of rooms screaming into pillows, having a psychotic fit by it's very definition. Slaps and attempted draggings later, he left. Then he came back.... banged on the door... I was bitchy...then realized he was changing his fucking tire. I kind of wanted to walk around the car and see if there was actually a flat tire, or if he made it up. It just seemed a little too destiny-like, and when I"m pissed destiny is not really part of any factor. Whatever. He's now mad at me (as if he wasn't before, haha) b/c I'm sitting here typing on my computer which I'm sure he can see the glare of through the window.... and I'm wondering if that slamming noise was t he car dropping on his drunken ass. (Yes, drunken. he drove quite drunkenly.) I am sorry for going crazy, but I know that remorse means nothing when you can't get to the root of the problem. I'm not really sure if the root is us, as a couple, or me as a person. I want to lean toward the latter. I want to let you know that I don't think that anyone else should ever have to be this close to me b/c I will end up destroying them too.

Good thing I have to be at work at 6... and I won't be going to sleep anytime soon.

But Who Am I?

Not quite sure how I feel. I casually monitor who visits this blog, just because I like to know a bit of information. Most people don't stray far from this first page that pops up. Sometimes people will look at a few other pages... I guess if they are bored or whatever. It's cool t o see what search engine searches yield my page... but I generally just look at the stats and go on. Whatever, ya k now? Well, this is has been buggging me for a few days.... someone i n alexandria, va keeps viewing m y page looking at 50 or so pages at a time. I don't care if they do. I have nothing to hide, but I have to wonder what are they looking for in all my mad ramblings? Do they know me? Are they trying to prove something? And who am I for them to waste all t his t ime looking at my page?
Well, whover you are... I just kind of would be at a lot more peace of mind if y ou would make yourself known. Whether in an anonymous comment or tagboard message. Or an email....or contacting me in one of those million ways there are to contact me. I mean, I know I mean something to you. Whether its just mere interest or s omething else. I just don't want to be paranoid every time I s ee your ip..... and I can't figure out who you are. Even the isp is weird.... kay... well.... that's all.

Broken Up Thoughts... Don't feel like being personal

Don't feel l ike being personal. know you will check this sometime soon.
I'm in a really bad mood right now. You haven't felt the need to call me. When you did call me you couldn't even give me an estimate when you would be off. It's just my fucking evening off. I guess it doesn't matter anymore to you. My entire body itches every fucking night so much that i just lay around sobbing and scratching getting no sleep. I guess you aren't reliable enough to bring me a fucking tube of medicine for over a week since you got it. You probably used up the rest of it knowing you. Whatever, I guess I'm going t o have to get my own. Since you left me with empty promises. I'm not trying to be melodramatic.... but I don't think you understand that I can't take the fucking itching anymore. You fucking told me I could use your goddamn shit. This is going on like god.... I don't even know how long its been. All I know is I'm overworked.... haven't gotten hardly any sleep, and fucking pissed off at you and m y mother. We should have talked when y ou came over Sunday morning.... but we just fucked. As if, overdue sex can make up for all my feelings of mistrust. The thing is.... I think I've come to a point where I've actually accepted that you are cheating on me. You may or you may not.... I'm not going to fight that mental battle with myself anymore. In just the past few days, I've had a girl emailing me.... telling me basically that thing again where you wouldn't consider it cheating b/c you didn't sleep with her.... but you are acting like I don't exist so that makes me feel even more shitty.... your insecurities aren't an excuse for lining up someone else just in case we really break up... and then the fact that you had some whore hanging over you when you were supposed to be with me. I mean you complained to me about not wanting t o be out late... bitched at me for still being at sara's... then you w eren't even home when I got there. I guess being out till 4:30 in the morning isn't late? I guess I'm suppposed to just let the fact that some bitch told me to go home when I was talking to YOU just roll off my back. I guess I'm just supposed to ignore that you didn't even attempt to call me back until you got home. As if, you had to look cool t o your friends and not call back the bitch that hung up on you. It's okay, Mike, they already think I'm a bitch. You really don't have to m ake me look any worse to any of your friends. It just makes you l ook like a dumbass for dating me. You're out way later than is sensible every night.... and I'm supposed to just not expect explanations. Like tonight.... you supposedly started work at 1... but it's 10:45 and you haven't called me. I called your parents earlier and you weren't home. I suppose you're somewhere. Maybe you are still "working" or whatever.... maybe you got a hold of some friends and are hanging out with them. I'm sure I'm the last thing on your mind. I'm only good for when you wake up in the morning w/ a hard on. As if, whining about being horny is a turn on. I'm just so fucking frustrated right now.... I c ould go off on another 15 tangents.... but what good does it do? It doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't get through your fucking thick skull. You will always have firstly yourself on your mind. I think that's one of the few things I can always be sure of. I guess I won't see you tommorow... or if I do you will be mad at me for having plans to hang out with Cheryl for part of the night or whatever.... I'm just so sick of all this. It's too much for me to have to balance, and it shouldn't be so complicated. I really wish you could try hard to help and t ake a load off of my back.
I'm tired of being stressed, tired, depressed, and alone.

No Way

Blank stares into the wall,
Numbness, a stone facade,
Emotionless by force,
A terrified source,
Contemplating decsion,
Wishing intervention,
But those thoughts don't stray far,
Regret's always in mind.

Next day, same lifeless stare,
Wondering when this ends,
Long days with out a noise,
Knowing this was her choice,
A need for confession--
The lasting obsssession
Haunts her by day and night;
But still she carries on.

New year, and she's still scared,
Terrified of purpose,
Tormented with deadly remorse,
No sentiment is worse.
Than this reminiscing,
All the things she's thinking,
Doesn't know what she wants,
Lost passion and desire.

View her lost and sad state,
But do not come so close.
Notes of the life she took,
Dreaming to have one look,
How it would have turned out,
One way might have worked out,
But there's no way to know,
No way to compensate.

He thinks that is just okay to call m e randomly a couple of times a year. What for? I'm not exactly sure. He must think that once he hangs up on me that I turn to sobs. I'm not weak like that anymore. Of course, I have an inkling that he does it because he wants to know that I'm okay. It's always t he same conversation. He's vague about everything going on in his life. This time he told a bit more than last.... he's still in alaska but planning on moving to t he "east coast" sometime soon. No paticular region or state.... all he felt comfortable s aying was the east coast. Whatever. He always wants to know if I'm okay.... if I'm still w/ Mike.... if I'm pregnant. Then he says something condescending about me. Like this t ime he said that I wouldn't make a fit mother so it's a good thing. Whatever. I pretty m uch had the same responses... same questions as always. Whatever. I suppose this will go on until I change my number.. or actually, he might just call my parents and bribe them into giving him my number. So I'm pretty much just feelinglike s aying.... whatever to it all.

"House of Sins"

A legacy to the online community of "ana" and "mia," house of sins is no longer a informative site; it is now a live journal. Of course, I hadn't been there in ages.... the site went down like two years ago. I missed it then.... but soon got over it. Eh, no one knows what I'm talking about. I was just surfing the web.... came across a link to the page. I was reading about these girls struggles... and it brought me back to when I used to be like that. People don't understand that its not always for attention. Somedays all I wanted to do was be alone. Absolutely alone. I would scream at my family members if they as so m uch knocked on my door. Here's one of the posts:

user: fuckedupandfat
I suck. I'm not getting out of bed today. I ate loads all night, and didn't purge. This morning i am still empty inside as always. It is always a futile attempt to fill some big hole that exists for reasons i cant explain. I am supposed to be playing rugby right now but i feel so fat, ugly and disgusting that i dont want any one to see me. I know i am letting the team down but i just want to dissapear.If only people knew how lonely my life has been and how numb i've been so alone. Bulimia feels like home to me. Life is so muted with an eating disorder but i guess that's the point. i'm scared to give it up, it might hurt more with out it.
*sigh*
xxxxxxxxx


Current Mood: depressed

The Controversy of the Century

I feel like addressing something I would never really want to because I got over it when I was in around 7th grade. Let me preface by saying that I am a Baptist, and a republican... a conservative. I believe the Bible in it's entirety, but I will be t he first to admit, regretfully, sometimes my actions do not match my beliefs.
So much talk about gays. Normally I take the approach of the subject as.... I DON'T CARE, next subject please. Honestly, I don't care. Somedays I feel like we are making martyrs out of anyone that dramatically stands up to say that they are attracted to the opposite sex.
I mean, it's like suddenly, after decades of people stepping out of the closent, the gay/lesbian haters have gotten a hold of generation X. We really are supposed to be accepting of this. I never imagined from my own peers I would hear people talking about same sex relationships in disgust.
No I don't "believe" in it, but I'm not going to shove that (among many) of my beliefs down someone else's throat.
I love my friends no matter who they have chosen to spend their life and relationships with. I support them as much as I would support a friend who needed a friend's hand to hold while she signs papers for an abortion. I know, personally, I'm against it... but it's not my body and its not my choice.
Maybe this is why I'm not into politics. Letting other people's passion for a subject affect the way we think and react to that subject just seems wrong.
On a lighter note, the most beautiful creature God created was the woman. I almost come to the point of obssessing over how deep a woman can be. Just the strength... the unsurpassable ability to desire.... I could go on... :) Anyways, how could combining two females possibly be grotesque. Men, on the hand, are just pigs; so they deserve each other.
So I'll end with the thought I've had since I was 12. I don't care if you are bisexual, homosexual, hetereosexual, or just nonsexual. I'll accept you for you who you are, because you deserve at least that much from everyone.

"I know I'm Not Pretty"

The lack of confidence some people possess saddens me greatly. I've never met a truly ugly person. I've met some that had a defect or acted ugly, but I would never think to myself.... that person is ugly. I might think condescending things.... they're fat.... they have bad acne... etc., but never have I thought or muttered something so horrible.
Today, I was working at VS; and a women came in w/ a return. She walked through door and I smiled and said hello, but my manager struck up a conversation with her and I continued the work I was doing. When you first open your gate in the morning, the last thing you want is a negative sale. So maybe I looked annoyed.... I don't know. Anyways, this lady is a regular at my other job. She claims she comes in and buys flowers from me everyday..... but um, not everday. Maybe like every other week. She annoys me slightly. While I was helping another client, my manager and her have this conversation:
"That girl over there works at Ukrop's, doesn't she? She acted like she didn't know me, and I buy flowers from her every day."
"yes ma'am she does. I thought I saw her say hello to you."
"Well, I know I'm not pretty, but neither is she. She should look in the mirror."
"Well, ma'am I think that was a little uncalled for."
I'm not quite sure how she got onto that track, but when courtney was telling me about it, I just thought about how sad it is that someone could even begin to start a sentence off with "I know I'm not pretty" much less end it the way she did. It made me just a little more thankful of my own confidence and the person that I have become.

a supermodel portrait

Exhausted last night, I sat down in my desk chair. I had finally risen from the bathtub. I adorned myself how I thought was stunning and, well, was rejected. The sadness of it all just seemed majestical. I sat there, drinking my wine, leg propped up on the desk; and I could think of nothing else but how I was going to have to force myself to slumber. The soft dancing light of the candles was reflecting of mike's face, and I could hear his heavy breathing. Sip after sip, I contemplated. I could not figure out what I was feeling or wanting. I felt so alone even though I was only a few feet away from my love. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew the fighting of the night wasn't over; and I was very right about that. During that moment though, all I could do is stare at my surroundings. I decided that the emotions on my face where photographic, that this was the emotion I saw in a sad model's eyes. I wanted to capture it. Bottle it up and look at it later on. As if the stance, the feel, the look of it all were something that should be remembered. Not because it represented something.... but the lack thereof. The thoughts of confusion and blankness... the look of my soul, cold and apathetic. Then I realized that this wasn't me. I'm not apathetic... just exhausted. So I laid down, and hours later and after much difficulty, we both fell into sleep.

"Under Construction"

Giving this blog a face lift... but don't feel like finishing it right now. Come back when it looks better.... haha

A work in progress.... one of my laziest writings.

The Rejection of the Succubus

Her anger is kindled under those dark green eyes,
She can't stand to be treated with abuse and lies.
No other victim has looked at her as you braved,
She serves absolutely no purpose when not craved.

Ninety nine of her new offspring have died tonight.
Her night's work is almost over, but you must fight.
Do you desire what she is able to offer?
She should be told you're drained of passion, don't bother.

She brings herself down to your still, lifeless body,
Doing what past lovers did to get you ready.
You lie there coldly rejecting her seduction;
She doesn't get how you could delay production.

Hours upon hours pass, while you lay in deep sleep.
Sanity, calmness, and tranquility you keep.
While she laments and screeches, cuts and convulses,
Ready to give up, she returns to her solace.

The arms of Lucifer offer a place to wail,
So she can destroy thoughts of how it felt to fail.
He takes away all feelings of dispair and fear.
Sealed with his kiss the dark angel's scars dissapear.

The very next night you are the first of her prey,
She has practiced and schemed your defeat all day.
A special tactic, an element of surprise;
The same seductress, but in a new disguise.

When you pillow your head, thoughts turn to your Savior.
Inseperable love, every endeavor.
"In distress, persecution, famine, or nakedness..
Death, life, angels, principalities, powers,
Things present, things to come,
Height, Depth, or any creature..." [Romans 8]

Silently she blows the air in the space of void,
The empty part of your bed, no woman has toyed,
Your hand moves toward it as if you need assurance
That you are alone, there is no need for endurance.

Slowly she start to allow her warmth to surround;
And you being to realize that something's around.
The invisible feelings now are carassing,
And the pleasure that she'll bring seems everlasting.

Your body gives in before your mentality,
Sightless being allures with sensuality.
She wont be visible til attraction's intense,
Won't let her guard down til you can't take the suspense.

She hears your moan which makes her think she has you trapped.
So you blink your eyes and see in whose arms you're wrapped.
Her wicked facade brings you back to reality:
Her beauty can not conceal her brutality.

Beyond her reasoning, your body is lifeless.
She begins to accept... and to become fightless.
Losing this fight takes away her satisfaction;
Then takes her life b/c of your cold rejection.

I'm still depressed... thought you should know.

Not sure what is going through my mind right now.

I really do have a lot of great things right now.

• Wonderful Boyfriend
• Enough money to get by
• A job
• Good health (hopefully I don't have scabies...examining arm right now)
• Eternal security
• Great friends
• All my teeth
• and well... I can't think of much I want that I don't have

I don't know what's wrong w/ me.... *sigh*

With This Knife Smile Empty Soul

i let myself fall into a lie
i let my walls come down
i let myself smile and feel alive
i let my walls come down

no matter how i try i don't know why
you push so far away
you wrapped your hands tight around my heart
and squeezed it full of pain

with this knife i'll cut out the part of me
the part that cares for you
with this knife i'll cut out the heart of me
the heart that cares for you

i can't believe the way you took me down
never saw the pain
coming in a million broken miles
like poison in my veins

with this knife i'll cut out the part of me
the part that cares for you
with this knife i'll cut out the heart of me
the heart that cares for you

the hate and the fear
the nightmares that wake me up
in the tears
the nightmares and (the hate)...

You're Not The First

You're not the first to do this to me.
You're not the first to make me feeel this way.
You're not the first to make me sob.
Not the first to make me agonize.
You're not the first to hang up on me.
You're not the first to stand me up.
You're not the first to disappoint me.
Not the first to leave me.
You're not the first to use me.
You're not the first to cheat on me.
You're not the first to seduce me.
Not the first to bruise me.
You're not the first that has made me feel this way.
Not the first to make me want to hurt myself.
You're not the first to cry for me.
Not the first to deceive me.
You're not the first one I felt I couldn't live without.
Not the first "love of my life."

Maybe you were a lot of my firsts.
Maybe I'm soon to make the biggest mistake I've made.
Maybe I shouldn't post this.....
But all that with in me keeps going back to this one thought.

You weren't my first of all.

And although you just called me to wish a good day... while I was looking at my last entered text... I don't feel any happier. I don't feel complete. I'm just sitting crying, after pretending everything is okay.

I don't think you understand. You're losing me day by day. It's not just b/c you're not my first...

It's also because this isn't the first t ime.

This isn't the first time you made me feel like this.
And this isn't the first time you've made me agonize...

I'm sorry I'm numb, and I'm sorry I seem hollow.
I just really can't take this any longer.
All the pain, scrutiny, expectations.

I'm numb b/c I c an't stop thinking.
Are things ever going to change?

So go ahead and threaten me again. Tell me you're going to l eave me. You won't hear crying. You won't hear a fight. I've been drained of all that.

I'm just an empty person.

I'm t rying to figure o ut who was obssessively viewing my pages at like midnight last night all t hey way until 2am. It's kinda weirding me out. I h ad like 50 pageloads and a lot of them were repeated pages of the blog.... its weird. I have the ip and the isp but can't figure out the location of the person. If anyone wants to help me w/ that..... that would be awesome. I'm just kind of freaked out, wouldn't you be too?

Thinking back

I don't know why but I started to think of this random mannerism I h ad when I was 12, and I felt like posting it. Just to make me sound a bit more psycho... :)

It was a punishment of sorts, although I didn't have to do anything to deserve it. I just punished myself more if needed.

I have this desk chair in my room. I would be "doing my homework" in it and throw a pencil on the floor so that if my mom walked in I would tell her I was getting my pencil. What I was really doing is bending over the chair so that the edge of it would dig into my stomache. I would see how long I could stand putting all my weight into the sharp edge of the chair. I would j ust hang there..... blood rushing to my head. I still don't really understand why I did it. Maybe it was some inward way of showing how much I hated my body, or maybe I was even more psycho way back when than I am now, but I do know that I did it. I did it every day. Sometimes, i would wake up in the middle of the night and want to do it. I would be at school trying to push the desktop into my stomache w/o people noticing just to try and have that same feeling. Maybe it made me feel smaller. Maybe I just wanted to be reassured that there wasn't anything extra there. I wanted to feel my bones rubbing against the plastic.

Now, the reason I would be punishing myself is another story.

I would take my lunch to school every day (we had to pack lunches b/c the cafeteria just served ice cream and milk.), and my mom always packed certain things in it. My sandwich which I ate on occasion, a bag of chips which I normally gave a way to friends, yogurt/pudding/fruit which I would ball up in my napkin and throw away, and some sort of sweet. Now t he sweet was put back into my lunch box.

Every morning my mom forced me to drink Carnation Instant Breakfast. Not b/c she was a mean mom who wouldn't let me have anything else...... but b/c I refused to eat anything. During lunchtime, the sandwich was normally eaten, a lot of times my sister would come check on me to see if I had eaten it. When I got home from school I would go and take the sweet into my room and put it in my closent. I would do this for a few weeks and they w ould accumulate until I had a bad day. A bad day b/c I had a bad grade to be signed or something stupid like that. I wouldn't k now how to tell my parents and I would hide a way in my room right after getting home. I would close the door, lock it, put something in front of it, and then crawl into my very tiny closent and sit in the dark, quickly eating every l ittle debbie cake in there.

I can't believe how vivid my memory is about this. I can't remember half of what happened yesterday, but I remember feeling the urgency to shovel food into myself. As if, eating all those sweets that a normal kid would of already eaten, would make me, in fact, normal. And normal kids knew how to deal w/ their parents, right? Normal kids didn't wake u p in the middle of the night to undress and weigh themselves. Normal kids didn't punish themselves, but that's exactly what I did. After finishing the last one, I would make myself lay over that chair and stare at t he pencil until dinnertime.

Dinnertime is when I would tell my parents. Dinnertime I would tell them..... and I would cry. I would cry b/c they were telling me my punishment. I would cry hoping they would forget about the food on my plate. They hardly ever forgot.

I was always the last one to leave the table. Always sitting there fighting off eating any more green beans. I would wait until no one is the room and I would put the food back into the serving dishes. I w ould go tell my mom I had finished, and sometimes she w ould come and check the trash can. I just thought I was so clever. I had perfected the art.

That chair sits in my room still today, and I haven't lain over in probably 6 or 7 years. I hadn't even thought about what I used to do till today. I was trying analyze why, but I think it's just something I did. No explanation. I didn't need one way back then, so I guess I don't now either.

I'm bi-polar.... for sure......

HAHA, it seems like every other post on here is me bitching about something then the next is a good mood. Sometimes I feel like every other statement that comes out of my mouth rotates like that.
Today is a good day, so far. I got t o sleep in! YAY! I was supposed to clean the nasty alcoholic type stench out of my car this morning... b/c someone (who will remain unnamed) accidentally shut my door w/ their nasty cisco drink sitting on the inside ledge of the door. My car is covered in red sticky stuff.... and it was filled w/ lots of junk in the first place. It looks like someone died in there!! HAHA... well, I'm being lazy as crap..... but I'm glad I got t o sleep in since I have to work 12:30-9 at Ukrop's then i have to go into VS and do the floorset for SAS. Rumor has it that we might be there until 4am..... So yeah, I was going to get up all early and go to the gymn and clean and make some food for the potluck tonight.... which of left me completely energized and all...... but no... I was lazy, what's new? HAHA, the gymn probably would of been packed out anyways since its the first monday of the year. All those ppl and their silly resolutions to be in shape this year! I didn't really make any resolutions this year. I find myself making resolutions every day..... so nothing new. I always let myself down! Eh, I think that soon I will be on top of my life... then I'll be all happy all the time and e verything. Well..... yeah..... time to go get ready for work.... yay for that