Every Encounter

Lust is wanting every encounter to end in sex, love is wanting every encounter to never end.

I've had a bad day. I don't want to get into it... maybe some other day. Today, I'm going to set out to disprove myself. This is a letter I don't understand. It shows a side of my father I've never physically seen before. It exists on this paper I hold. He was basically asked to write it for a project I had in school... so don't think it's too sweet. I suppose he meant it, and I suppose it was nice of him. I just can't make it change my opinion of him. Maybe it will yours.

January 6, 2000

Dear Stephanie,

My first impression of you started long before you were born. Since your sister was born 3 weeks before her due date and because the doctor told us that the second baby usually comes earlier, we started expecting you 4 weeks before you were actually born. We kept praying and waiting, praying and waiting, and praying and waiting, but still no Stephanie. Finally on the day after your due date, you decided to join us. It seems like even today, we are always waiting on Stephanie. We knew that day that God had blessed us with a very special gift from heaven; that you would have a mind of your own; that you would do things in your own time and at your own speed.

My ambition for you was very simple. It wasn't that you be a doctor or lawyer or even an engineer some day, but that you would be healthy and happy; that you would accept Christ as your own personal Savior at a young ange and some day serve Him faithfully in what area he would call you. My ambitions for you today remains the same along with some new ones; that you would take advantage of the opportunity you have in getting a good education at Landmark Christian School, some day going to a christian college to further your education and some day in the far future meeting the mate that God would have you marry.

My advice to you today would be:

1. Seek to put Christ in everything you do
2. Treat others like you would want to be treated
3. Be thankful for the things and opportunities that are given you

Love you, your dad

--

you would think that if you were dating someone.... you would have a desire to see them.

Life Goes On

Well, its been a while. I've been busy lately. Um, basically, I'm doing very well. I have a wonderful boyfriend whom, for some reason I can't fathom, I am still with. We went on a trip to west virginia on thanksgiving day. It was weird... I went to see my grandfather who had had one of his three open heart surgeries done. I thought that I would be able to go while my mom or someone else was there, but it was jut mike and I. I am so glad he went with me b/c he can pretty much talk anytime... and I had no clue what to say to my grandfather. But yeah... that week was good. My parents went up there before me and came back after... so mike and I got to spend some quality time together without my parents breathing down my neck to be on home on time.... that and I got to wake up next to him.... something I had mentioned I missed doing in my last post. My grandfather is doing okay now. He had a leaky valve in his heart and the first surgery they went in and repaired it. That didn't work so they had to re-operate and replace the valve, then they went back in again to clean everything up. My mom was out of town a lot of the past month to be with my grandparents, but she's back now and we are starting getting ready for christmas... Something I'm not financially stable for yet. I pretty much know that I'm going to have a transaction bounce on monday.... unless I can find 5 or 6 dollars in change somewhere. I really don't want to borrow money from anyone else right now... I feel like I'm just digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole. Anyways, enough of the depressing stressful stuff. Life is good... if only mike would call me today. I was going to fix him some food since I doubt he's had much to eat today. He's just as broke as I am..... but I don't know where he is so I don't know if he would even be able to eat it. ~sigh~ I guess I can just hope I'll hear from him before I go to work. Until then... life will go on...

Another Cold Day

I miss the warm air of Florida. I miss waking up beside the one I love. I miss being actually excited about what I'm going to do today. I honestly want to go back down there right now. I can't wait another day. Oh well, I guess you bundle up and put that lovely smile on your face. You know, the fake one that anyone that works in sales knows about.... and go on with the day. I'll just keep in the back of my mind that I'm going to be down there soon.

Try Not To Miss Me Too Much

YAY! In less than 5 hours I will be on my way to South Carolina with Mike! :) Then... tommorow... I'm going to be on my way to West Palm Beach. Who's excited for me? hehe. I'm so excited. I'm going to have so much fun.... and I'm so excited that I get to spend all this time with mike with out having to worry about making it to work on time... or making curfew. It's going to be great. Have I mentioned I'm excited? Okay, well, I haven't finished packing... and I gotta get ready for church. Just thought I would share while I was printing out my bank statement. I'll be back on Friday, and I can be reached on my mobile yahoo id: peppersquat while I am there.

Yay for write-offs IV

Malicious Muse -- Recant to Suicide Seraphim

Leader of all rebeillion
Originator of uin
Endless hatred from your veins
Wanting to be He who reigns
What a sad creature you've become
Bloody tears when you're sullen
Turn into falmes when provoked
Shot off when your heart is choked
Or feel that false betrayal
You were that one unloyal
The one who started all this
The one who wanted all this
I watched you prowl about the earth
Laughing during a new sin's birth
You though you were so clever
Thinking you'd reign forever
Why don't you give up, sinner
You know who is the "winner"
Don't fool yourself with all this
You won't betray with a kiss
That has already happened
Your plan hasn't strengthened
Go ahead and try defeat
See if you can take the heat
Gather up all your followers
Make them think they are heroes
The end of you will soon come

Isaiah 14:12-19
How art thour fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!
For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God : I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation in the sides of the north:
I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High.
Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit.
They that see thee shall narrowly look upon thee, and consider thee, saying, Is this the man that made the earth to tremble, that did shake kingdoms;
That made the world as a wilderness and destroyed the cities thereof; that opened not the house of his prisoners?
All the kings of the nations, even all of them, lie in glory, everyone in his own house.
But thou art cast out of thy grave like an abominable branch, and as the rainment of those that are slain, thrust through with a sword, that go down to the stones of the pit; as a carcase trodden under feet.

Yay for write-offs III

Do You -- Recant to And I

Think about what you have done, are you satisfied
Have you found happiness, know the meaning of joy
You still don't want peace even after My Son died
And you keep trying to convince that they're My toy

Free will's only fault is man's inconsistency
(Why can't they make the right choice)
It's hard to choose between pleasure and decency
(When you're drawn by Satan's voice)

And do you realize, how you've currupted my universe--
How they worship you -- oh, how the have accepted your curse

And do you wish you could change this being who you have become --
An angel who has turned to a demon of insane reason

You are My only regret
You are My saddest angel
You are creator of sin debt
You are the ultimate rebel

And do you live and die for anything but your own gain
Have you tried to carry the burden of another's pain?

And do you care, you will always be defeated
Have you noticed where the Savior's seated?

Do you forsee what was always meant to be
Do you prophesy that which is known a lie
Do you agree whether you will be the key
Do you cry beacuse your chances have passed by?

My heart aches to see you thi way
Doom's the only future you're meant
But for your deceit you must pay
So your failure comes with torment
I've given hope to so many
All you have given comems with pain:
Hate, Heresy, Hypocrisy
My love you won't ever attain

You are the fearful cherubim
You are the beast I'll overthrow
You are the master of all sin
You are prince of an earthly show.

In Loving Memory of Joyce C. Tony P. Charles R.

I've said before. I'm not very good at this. Mourning... I just can't stand to think about... two widows... a widower... how sad can that be? What do you say..... what do you think. *sigh* These three ppl are ones I have known to pass away in the past 3 weeks due to cancer. All three leave behind many family memmbers. They would appreciate your prayers.

Yay for write-offs II

this is the one that I've posted before... and then took off at scott's request.

Sinner Don't -- Recant to "Please God"

Sinner don't leave again, put up a wall, shun, disobey
I'm still waiting for you to change your mind, love me again
The only reason you'll get close is to lead more astray
Take them, they'll lose hope. If not instrust your demons to mame.

Do you only come back when you're ready to attack
You're face will be bruised black from my one defensive smack

Creating sins my creations could never imagine
Until they learn and create in the same fashion

(gluttony)
Didn't I give you enough, ruler over the heavens
Prerequisite for world rulers, power is easy to intake
You pass this ailment on to man: a line of addiction sins
Destroy all in you path, break promises, love life, intoxicate

Sinner don't need, it will only lead to greed
Give me your burden, I promise you won't lack
Those who learn to stop this disease are a aspecial breed--
The won't bring heaven against me when I turn my back.

(Envy)
Destroyoing your life b/c you don't understand
Thinking your need could never less than other's
Covetting my aptibility, yearning to expand,
Wishing to feel the intimacy of lovers.

And do you want a worthless kingdom like this
To have control of demons in an abyss

(Greed)
Lascivious of the blood of your prey
Desiring for the simple reason of desiring
You can't control the need to disobey
But the unsatisfaction never becomes tiring

Sinner don't need, it will only lead to destruction.
Starve malicious hunger; strive to be holy
Being content is the only way to beat this affliction,
Drive away the evil, be able to stand boldly.

(Pride)
Why do you think your capabilities exceed mine?
I made you strong, beautiful, a sort of oracle
How can you let your qualities overtake your sensful mind
You slipped and fell when so close to your pinacle

And do you honestly think you could ever win
Your black heart is broken and covered in sin

(Sloth)
I knew you would be able to find the easy way out
Always taking the glory while others kept up the slack
You teach man to look at a My great plan as hard work and doubt
I guess there's a special technique to sneaking through the crack

Sinner don't become a slacker, its not the better way
I know you think it's because your mind and body become tired
But you're spirit will be much stronger if you will to stay
It just seems like your youthful fire has been buried.

(Lust)
Numb to malicious appeal, anything can allure
Seeing my final creation's seductive nature
Woman by day, succubus by night, keep far from her
This sensual sin can only addictively mature

And do you see how anyone can give into this sin
How you've perverted the passionate drive I gave to men

(Wrath)
I understand why you are angry
Vengance is Mine, you deserve nothing
Your satisfaction will never be
So just stop all this fighting

So sinner, go ahead and make your choice
The laws of nature will subdue and you will learn
But maybe not, because you won't heed My voice
That's okay, go ahead, soon I will have my turn.

Yay for Write offs

Okay, so my ex bitched when I started to post my recants to his twisted series.... but he really has no place in telling me what to do or not to do... so I'm going to start again. I don't feel like talking about my life today. So here are my "write-off"'s, bitch. Go ahead and curse at me.

Love Slave -- Recant to Insevire Malus

Watching my beautiful, sinless Son in so much pain,
Knowing that soon I'll have no choice but to turn my back,
His body's covered in blood and mixing with the rain,
From My creation's hateful rage and brutal attack.

Not being able to stand the painful cries of His voice,
I covered my face, drearyness and darkness covered three hours.
The Son of Man suffered on the cross by His own choice,
Denying the angles' and Satan's offered powers.

The weight of sin bringing Me closer to humanity,
Like a virgin tasting her first lustful appeal
I start to understand addiction of profanity,
Giving up My life for this disease is so unreal.

The weight of agony causes My body to sink,
While I know I'll have to rise to take another breath,
Unable to keep thoughts from My need for a drink,
Or how some sinners will reject the gift of My death.

Unable to look upon Him, heaven is somber,
My angles lament and my temple's veil was rent.
Ignorant men realize they killed a Man of honor.
Too late... The Savior's spirit's gone and his body's spent.

The cross is now empty, My will is now complete.
My Son surrendered and He gave up the ghost to sink.
His death doesn't support escape from lies and deceit,
Christ was willing to die, not self as some might think.

The battle between My Beauty and My Son begins.
The obvious conqueror of the keys to Hades will win.
Why else would He suffer with the weight of human sins?
Satan's sole challenge now is to keep his grip on men.

Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee
Take away this cup from me
Nevertheless, not what I will, but what thou wilt
Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do

Eloi Eloi lam sabachtan
My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?
Eloi Eloi lam sabachtan
My God, My God why hast thou forsaken me?

Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.
It is Finished.

Having no money kinda sucks...

I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to pay a $184 cell phone bill. Don't ask.... This is going to be interesting. I paid thirty off today, haha. I'm thinking that maybe I can slowly deplete myself of money... then, I won't go into debt.... all I know is that the first of the month is going to be a shocking and rather difficult time for me. I'm glad ppl warned me about credit cards... b/c I really listend... or... didn't listen at all, actually. *sigh* At least this weekend is a two job pay day... instead of one. And, Oh... this will make a difference... I got a ten cents raise at ukrop's hahahaha.... ten cents? are they fucking insane?

I have the offer to move to the state I've always wanted to live in. Mind you, this isn't the first or second time, but third. If the opportunity has popped up that many times... why haven't I taken advantage of it before? I think I considered both times.... and now, I really want to go! I want to get away from here. I'm sick of everything restricting me here. As I've used the analogy before of a goldfish not developing to its fullest potential b/c it is confined to a small bowl, now I can't think of anything better then to break free from this place. And its not just about being anywhere but here. It's about being with someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I can only imagine true happiness with him. No, I haven't made my decision. You should know me better than that. I'm just *sigh* trying to point out that I'm an idiot if I don't do this... and then keep complaining about my present life. It's like this corny joke I hear all the time at my church.
"A man was in his house during a bad storm and the area was starting to flood. As the waters started to rise, he had to go to the second story of his house. He started praying earnestly that the Lord would rescue him. Two men in a rescue boat come by and tell him to get in, they will take him to safety. He replies, 'No thanks. My God will deliver me.' The waters continue to rise and he is forced to climb ontop his roof. A second boat comes by, and the same conversation takes place. Then men couldn't convince him to get on board. When the waters start to touch his feet, he is still praying that Lord will miraculously save his life. A helicopter hovers by and tells him, this is your last chance; you have to get on. The man still replies, 'No. I'm waiting on God to save me.' Of course, the man drowns to death." How idiotic. The joke continues on to say that the man goes to heaven, and asks God, "why didn't you save me?" God's reply is, "I sent you two boats and and a helicopter."
Okay, go ahead insert fake laugh here. But seriously... I think not only in my Christian walk, but also in my life decisions, I ignore the obvious good choices; only because I want things to be more complicated. Or something like that.... Everything has its purpose, and everything works for good.... So I'm not going to let people terrify me of making decisions because they might be the wrong ones. So what? I don't care which decision is right or wrong. I don't want to have to stress or worry over something like that. After all, no one really knows what will happen.
My dad thinks he does though. That is, know what will happen. He told me last night that he knows I'm going to get in some big trouble and he is going to have to bail me out. He is convinced that the way "I'm heading" is going to lead to destruction... whatever that means. I argued w/ my father for around an hour last night. It was horrible. Absolutely horrible. I came home from hanging out w/ mike... actually on time.... and sit down to talk to my mother. My dad is watching something on CNN about the presidential debate, which I'm sure he watched every bit of. Mom makes some statement about how my dad had said that we should all go vote together.... then making sojme joke about showing me who to vote for. I'm just like... ha, I'll have to try to clear my schedule. My father seemed to miss the joking part of that... He mumbles something about how he and my mother aren't important enough to make time for... Then he asks me if I even know who is running.
He was just trying to set me off, but I was calm. "
Yes, dad." Then he says... "well, do you even know what the issues are?"
"Yes, dad"
"So what is your opinion on them"
"I don't really feel like having a heated discussion with you right now. Not about politics. I will keep my opinion to myself."
He mumbles something and walks out of the room to get some ice water. My mom whispers to me, "He's just upset about how the debate went." Ugggg, so take it out on your daughter? As soon as he walked back in the room he started yelling at me. Screaming. It went from subject to subject in a blur. Mostly centered around the fact that I never talk to him. I try to explain to him that he's never home, and that I talk to my mother plenty. So then he starts getting on her case... Asking her questions... what does she know about mike... blah blah... he sits down for a while, asking me things about mike and then getting upset after every answer.... "how old is he?" "23" "WELL, I didn't know that. It's pretty disturbing that I have to find out things about you from other people. Strangers know my own daughter better than me." The subjects drifted from my consideration of college he didn't know about... to me "treating my house like a hotel"... to not coming home by my 10:30 curfew... apparantly I don't try or care. This is getting me upset... why did you guys let me rant so much? Haha, I guess you could stop me... I'm gonna go cool down now.

okay?

I'm still slightly weirded out that random people that know scott and jess are visiting my site. Um, what do you want from me?
And really, do I need to justify why I think that scott is talking about me? I mean, obviously I didn't say I knew that... so I'm not some conceited bitch, but the little boy does tell me often (last night, a few times he did) that he would move here if I asked him to. I just don't get why all of his friends have some kind of hate toward me. Actually, I think they all have hate in general. Btw, I'm pretty sure he didn't want you to tell me that he is moving to Alaska. It was supposed to be disappearing.... Way to go, idiot.

wow...

I am so confused about what I should do right now. I was looking on the site that keeps the stats for my site... just kind of looking about at things I normally don't pay attention to. There was this refererer I didn't recognize. Some xanga site. I had no clue what it was so I figured what the hell.... visit it. Its someone else's live journal. A jess... a jess from colorodo... ummm... My ex's ex.... or I suppose they aren't together. Um, she randomly has my site linked on of her posts. I don't know what that was about.... but that wasn't the upsetting thing. One of the linked live journals she had looked like a name scott would make. Well, no, it was one that he made... one of the titles to a poem he wrote. I visited it. I felt like I was invading his privacy. Looking at something that I hadn't been invited to do. His latest post

Tap a keg, man, we'll drink more beer, everyday is a brand new year -
Faceplant.

I get so high. Maybe it's from the marijuana,
I'm not sure. Maybe it's
Steph, that may be closer to the truth. I'm
high
right now, so it's hard to
really come to a conclusion. But I'm
enjoying
life, and will enjoy it more in a
month. Sometimes, life really
is
beautiful, you have things to look forward to.
Sometimes things work
out.
About goddamned time for me. But if my life was
leading me up to
this, then
there isn't a worry, it really feels like fate
sometimes. Or
maybe I'm just
high. I dunno, my mind may be smoky, and my lungs
hate
me, and my heart is
with someone far away, I'm a little stretched at the
moment, but I'll
live.

I'm just like ummm, am I steph? What is he talking about? What's going on. I wanted to read more.... I wanted to read everything on the damn site. Not overlook anything, but I stopped myself. Why dig deep into the past? Why expose myself to those emotions? I'm fucking happy now! I have a wonderful boyfriend (as of wednesday night, yay for mme! yay for us!). I just.... I can't stand the thought of not being able to reach him anymore. I have moved on. I am not going to let him get to me.... but.... I still care! I mean, he still means a lot to me. I'm just not willing to give him any of my heart. He had his chance.... or shall I say chances, since there has been chance over chance over chance.... and how many guys have I dropped for him? This time is different. I found someone who I truly can see myself with. Who I truly feel compatable with. Who I truly love.
uhhhh, should that whom? oh, who the fuck cares. You get my point! I"m going to call my man now.... b/c I miss him... I think he's busy... but I'm gonna call anyways, hehe.

Sleeping In Is Great

Ah, First day in a while I've gotten to sleep in. I think I was supposed to do something this morning, but it suddenly doesn't matter. I slept in till 10. I'm gonna go shower in a bit and get ready to do whatever I need to get done today. I was supposed to go to a VMI football game w/ one of my friends, but I really don't feel like being all rushed and everything. I'm "on call" at victoria's secret from 3-7, meaning I won't know if I have to work until 2. I hate that! How am I supposed to plan my day if I don't know if I have to work? grrrr. Anyways! Um, Life is actually good. I'm just trying to not let anything of my past rule over me right now. I think I'm mdoing a good job. Not that I haven't had any down minutes in the past week, but... facing them.... writing or just plain crying, has helped me overcome them. Well, my posts haven't been all that interesting lately.... I've just not been depressed or bored.... so... yeah, here I am. With basically nothing to say! Hehe, I'll post later I guess.

ah, its fun to be busy

wow, I have a lot I want to say... but um, negative 5 minutes to say it. I've been keeping busy as shit lately. It's been nice. I gotta run to work now though. Justdidn't want anything to think I was dead. hehe, I'll post next time I have a down day.... which might be friday morning.... unless I make plans... hehe, tootles

Its been a while

Ah, I've been so busy lately. It's been great though. I started my job at victoria's secret last monday while still working at the florist at ukrops. So my schedule has been becoming kind of hectic. I doubt I will be online the week of valentine's day at all... unless its to get online and talk about how fucking tired I am! hehe
I started dating sommeone.... If you had asked me last sunday I wouldn't of called it dating.... but yeah, we are! I don't really wanna babble about him on here... well, I do; but I won't.
Um, I decided not to go visit my ex on his birthday like I told him I could. He's just been an ass lately, and I'm sick of dealing w/ it. I've been staying so busy which has kept my mind off of him.
Um, I went to court yesterday and had my speeding ticket dropped on the account that I'll go to driving school which doens't sound like much fun.... but that's okay. I'm happy! I'm glad the police officer told the judge that I was polite, b/c I honestly don't think I was all that polite to him.
So yeah, that's what's going on of substance. Today I'm going to an volleyball activity at church... I mmight ask mike to go. He still hasn't woken up and its like... um.... 5 till 12. Well, I'm gonna go make my veggie dish for the get together.

argh, why does this thing mess up when I post twice in one day?

Another shitty day.... another shitty dollar

I worked open to close today. I'm tired. Sick of work... on a brighter note I'm off tommorow. I hate working the entired day by myself.... its so lonely and.... long.... and.... ug, tiresome. I had to get so much done today. Anyways, I'm whiny and stuff so I'll post later

(this was actually posted on the first.... damn blog template is fucked up... someone fix it :( )

I almost forgot

I will post about cutting all the fuck I want to. The only recent cuts I have right now are on my knuckles... its from saturday night. I wasn't going to post about them, but if you are going to bich about me talking about them... I fucking will.... b/c I'm fuckign rude like that. I got in an argument w/ my ex saturday night, what's new? I know a lot of you are thinking that. I was frustrated... upset.... pretty much crying liking a baby. I wanted to stop shaking on my bed... I couldn't stand being so weak. So... emotional. I dug thru my purse and found some new razor blades... I had taken them for work... no way we are going to use the whole box in the next 50 years, anyways. I precisely cut little x's on each of my knuckles. They are pretty, I think. The blood was pretty heavy for some reason.... but... the real reason I did it for... is more important than them being pretty or bleeding heavily. It made me feel numb. I stopped crying... I had control. Scott called me back and I could talk in a nice calm voice. It was.... empowering.
what I don't get is why.... a lil loss of blood is considered such a serious thing. I mean, come on, I cut myself on accident at work at least twice a week.... if you can't the lil knicks from random things.... at least 4 times a day. Anyways, the marks on my knuckles haven't healed too great b/c on sunday morning during church I was playing w/ them. I ran my nail inside the wound so that the bright blood would come gushing out again. I don't know why that was fascinating me.... but I did it too all ten knuckles.... Blood can be so pretty sometimes. It has such a deep, yet vibrant color. A color that, if were on a piece of paper w/ other colors... would be the focal point. It's beautiful how the human body stores these beautifully colored cells beneath our ugly flawed skin. Why do ppl think blood is grotesque? Is it b/c its foreign? Or is it b/c its a bodily fluid? hmmmm, I dunno. I still say its beautiful (for like the 80th time). Enough babbling... really going to bed now... maybe.

Real Life Bitching

*sigh* Once again, I have to talk about WHY I started this blog, but this time its not for myself its for a lovely blog reader. AHEM, I didn't start it for you. I started it for me... A place for me to release those stupid and random thoughts that I would rather not tell people in real life. I will not cater what I write to you. I'm not even going to try to make it more interesting for you. nor do I care if I have an audience. Do you see me going around to people.... "ready my blog" and batting my eyes, uh, no. Anyways, on w/ my bitching. That's what I'm doing today. Bitching. Bitching so that I don't go in a chat room or call up someone and be a bitch to them.
Yesterday was a shitty day. I woke up... and much to my dismay, the migraine from the night before was still there. I forced myself to go to the gym and swim laps. The old men (the only people there aroung that time) at the pool were looking at me funny. I couldn't figure out why. When I went back into the locker roomm my face was pale except for two bright red spots on my cheeks and the rest of my body was almost blue. It was odd... HAHA, I don't know what was up w/ that. Do you ever have random things like that happen to you? I felt fine.... except for the pounding headache... so I just continued my work out w/ a little bit of cardio and some back strengthening. I came home and got ready for work... late as always. Had to avoid the small children who were jumping up and down on my legs. I don't understand why children are so enthralled w/ me when I hardly pay the annoying little critters any attention. Work was okay... until the storm/tornado thing hit. Then I spent my time trying to catch the flying plants outside.... ah, such fun. As time passes, I find out the road I live on is closed due to flooding... then I find out that the road that leads to the road I live off of.. was blocked off w/ police men.... lovely, just lovely. With myy little car, It wouldn't be smart to go through flooded waters anyways, I would think. When I finally get off work... I try to find a route home that isn't blocked by police men. The 7 minute drive took about 45 minutes. Finally arriving at home, GUESS WHAT? The electricity is off. Oh yippy... I go to my room and light a bunch of candles so I can settle in with a good book. About an hour later, my dad comes in my room. Its about 10:15. He always has this look on his face when he's been sleeping. It doesn't matter when, if he woke up in the past 30 minutes... he has this look. Its scowling. Like someone just whacked his wife's head off w/ a dull axe. Like he not only wants to kill.... but there's a bit of psycho murder mode in his eyes. Okay, analysizing this waaaaay too much.
He grumbles, "what are you doing?"
"uh, reading, dad, what do you expect me to do? The electricity is off."
"I figured you would go to bed like everyoyne else has"
"Um, I can't go to sleep when I just got home from work"
"Well, blow out those candles, our fire alarm is broke"
Starting to get frustrated I reply, "Um, there isn't going to be a fire, b/c I'm right beside the candles. I'll see if the flame spreads. I don't have a flashlight, and I don't want mom to get mad at me for using up her battery."
"blow them out"
"I'll light themm as soon as you leave"
okay, yeah, I'm a bitch to him.... but my gracious. He doens't trust his 20 year old (20 in 17 days! :D) daughter to have lit candles in her room? I remember once... I had a lot of candles lit in my room... and I was reading a book out loud so I could concentrate.... He thougth I was having a saonce (um, yeah, don't have the slightest clue how to spell that). I just don't think my dad gets anything sometimes. But, we had a nice little argument.... where he finally decided to drop the matter of the candles... mostly b/c we had started to argue about bigger things... and he got sidetracked.
After finishing my book, I down some nyquill hoping for a well-slept night. I wake up around 6 and see a light at a close house on... and then I noticed the blinking stereo and alarm clock. Yay! electricity is back on... then I fall back asleep not awaking till around 9. When I wake up, I plug in my cell phone charger. Damn thing won't work. I start to get annoyed, turning my cell on and off and tring to make sure the plug and plug-in were secure. Then having a thought, I look over the my alarm clock. DAMNIT. Stupid electricity went off again. So, I go back to sleep. Around 10:30 I realize I should start looking for a place to take a shower, friends are either not home... or don't have enough water pressure to take a shower. blah, I would of taken a shower w/ low pressure at my house.... too bad we have a well. I went to the gym.... locker rooms were closed. So, yay for me, I get to wash off w/ a bottle of water and soap in the dark. Oh, and shave too, b/c the only thing I had to wear to work that wasn't incredibly wrinkled was a knee-length skirt. Try shaving and washing off w/ an 8 oz. bottle of water. It's not an easy task. Well, I go to work... hair amess... in a skirt... and I get all these damn complimments about my unruly curly hair. I smile pleasantly, "thanks," and try to return a compliment. It annoys me how ppl feel the need to compliment youwhen you look different. So yeah.... my last complaint for tonight will be.... work sucked. As soon as my floral manager left... the managers in the front end made mem start helping them out. Grrrrr, I didn'th ave time for it, but I couldn't tell them no... well, I tried... but it didn't work. So now, when I open up shop in the morning... I'm going to have a million things to get done.... It's going to be great fun! And the best part.... I'll prolly still have my migraine. I think it's time for me to down some more nyquill. Sweet dreams to all..... and to all a good night.

lurking in the shadows

Do you know anyone who makes chills go down your spine? I do. I live with him. My father's presense in a room mmakes me nervous. I was sitting in the kitchen eating a late dinner, and he came in. I can't stand being home when he's here. He was getting a glass of chocolate milk. I don't know if he notcied me.... I closed my eyes hoping that it made me invisble. I heard him talking to my mmother about something... and as the voice drifted farther and farther away, I began to exhale. The moment had passed and I didn't have to make eye contact w/him. something about those cold, emotionless eyes makes me quiver. something about him, in general does. My father has never hit me... or even made a convincing threat to. I just am terrified of the man. He went back into the family room, where he still sits, and before long, i could hear him yelling something about a stupid referee. He's still yelling. He is in the room beside me. I didn't have to build up much courage to walk from mthe kitchen into here, b/c he is enthralled w/ his football game. I'm sure he didn't notice me. I just have to keep my music loud enough to drown out his voice. It scares me. I have to b quiet when I walk to the other room. I have to lurk in the shadows.

Pity Party

Out of all the evanescence fans, which is a large portion of Americans, I wonder how many can relate to these lyrics. Literally, personally, emotionally, the song linked is like... Everything I'm feeling right now. The tears, the blood, the decieving, the screams... where has it gotten me? I return to my same thought process and my same emotions. I spend my days pining oveer a life that I can only wish for. Pining for the easy way. What was so hard for me in the past... seems like the easiest way now. Why did I have to be so immature then? Too immature to deal w/ what was going on. Why do I have to be so immature now? Too immature to deal w/ what is going on. It's like my life is one step ahead of me. Once the opportunities I'm not taking now disappear, I know that I will be able to deal w/ them. Too late... fuck that... You live You learn.. and then you fucking hate yourself. You hate your weakness. Your incapabilties. Your lack of mmotivation.
To avoid dealing w/ the problems at hand, I make other problems. Ones that I can have control over, but I don't want them to go away until its safe. Until its safe for me to not have to deal with reality. And why should I have to? Why should I have to deal with shit? Somedays I wonder where I would be right now if I had become a people pleaser. I probably would be better off. I'm taking the hard road now though.... Its my path of choice... I just need a kick in the ass to get moving sometimes

Sorrowfully Thoughtful

I typed up a post and lost it due to a power surge. IT was deep... but I'm frustrated and I just don't care right now. Fuck electricity

There might be something interesting to you at some point in this post.... Too much crap to read to find it though!

It really sucks that people I know in real life sometimes read this blog. It really sucks that the person's whose heart I broke last night reads this blog. But the reason I started it (before all you other mother fuckers, mind you :P) was to release those thoughts that I couldn't keep in a notebook anymore.
In highschool, I would carry around one notebook to all of my classes. Almost every day, I was writing in it instead of my real note books. The thoughts and pages that I wrote included long love letters to Scott (most of which never got sent), depressing poetry about people dying, failing, just plain running out options, or characters stranded w/ only those who were going to torture them, random statemetnts of self-hate.. whether it be for eating a brownie or participating in some act that I regret, and for the most part drawings and doodlings about scott.
My entire thought process was always on a different wavelength than my friends and classmates. I was deep, yet uncommitted, and lazy. A lot of the same characteristics I have today.

Some days I want to write a letter to my lost love.

My dearest scott,
I hope you read this. I woke up this morning in the same manner I normally do. My alarm went off and I stretched half of my body to hit the off button. Blaming the cold (instead of the true culprit of loneliness), I curl back under the blanket with pillows surrounding me I often wonder if this mind trick actually works for other people, the one where you cuddle up to pillows instead of admitting your solitude. I know it doesn't really for me. I try to remember what I was dreaming about, but before long I've concocted a new illusion. Generally something close to reality. Something that could happen this very week. The most common, and the one I dreamed up this morning, is of us first meeting. The long warm embrace, the hesitant first kiss, the mesmerising affect of a love's eyes. Dreamy imaginations soon turn to unrealistic fantasies. I have to force myself to stop thinking about you to get on with my day. I have to remind myself of the bitterness in your voice. Knowing you still love me hurts even more because we can not be to face to face. We can not be together. Finally convinced to "seize the day," I roll out of bed and rush to get ready for whatever even I'm already late for. Don't think I forget about you though. I work as long as I can to save up that money to come and visit you. The smallest and craziest little things remind me of you. Cucumbers, dogs, curly hair, phone cards... and of course... those pics of you in my wallet. You are brought back into my thoughts... and damn are you hard to get out. I love you.
Forever Yours,
Stephanie Renee Huffman

Some days I want to just sit down and write about anyone but myself. Any character, but mostly ones that are failing. This poem was written as response to one of the poems scott sent me a while back. I'd say over 6 months ago. The series he wrote was from the view of Satan. I wanted to write a recant to everyone of the ones he wrote, but it has been very hard for me to write something from the view of God. Maybe it's because I'm not close enough to Him or maybe it's because His thoughts and actions are too much for me, as a human, to comprehend, much less make up. At any rate, this is one of the first ones I finished. It has generally has the same rhyme scheme and thought process as his, but it doesn't really flow like I wish it could. I wish I could post his writings for you guys to see... but I don't have permission, nor do I feel like asking for it. And scott, don't the ink I'm too weird. I don't think I ever told you about this. I've been writing them on some Sunday nights when like.... I'm just tired of listening to preaching... I think I have 4 or 5 done.... okay, enough babbling. :)

[Content removed by blog owner]


Some days I just want to admit an indulgence and express my self-disappointment. Here is my indulgence repentance. yesterday, I went against my vegan morals and went with my parents to Olive Garden. I ate the bread and salad (cheese and croutons included, mind you). then my entree -- fetuccini alfredo. My weakness... favorite dish at my favorite restaurant. You know how they ask you if want fresh grated cheese on top your dish? I look at her bewildered, and the whispered, "yes, please," but before she had made one complete turn, I yell, "STOP" with a little bit too much enthusiasm. After she left the table, and my face had returned to its normal color; I began to indulge in that immoral act. Eating all those inhumane foods not only made me feel guilty, but also grotesque. It made me hate me.... and I ate every last bite.

I do love my mother

All through my childhood and teen years I blamed my mother's accident on why my life was so miserable. Last night, my father and I got into a huge argument. Normally this doesn't happen, but my mother was on my side. I just started thinking... how much she cares about our family and how much it must hurt her to see how much my father and I despise each other. He made some statement about how he can't stand to look at me somedays... and although I couldn't see her... I could just hear going... "chuck.... stop..." We don't always get along and most of the time I do want to say that she is a horrible mother and so distant from reality... but after I read this file I found on my comptuer a little over a year ago... it makes me just think. I do love her. I know she loves me too...
Sorry, this is really long.... I jut feel like sharing. If you don't feel like reading it, just aske me to sum it up. I love it so much better in her words though.

I was in an automobile accident in September of 1989, which totally changed my life. Chuck and I had just decided to step out by faith and put our two daughters in a Christian school, although we didn’t know exactly how we could afford it. Kimberly was going into the second grade and Stephanie was just entering kindergarten. After checking out Landmark, I told Chuck I just couldn’t drive that distance everyday – 2 times a day! It was an hour round trip on 295 and I was terrified of interstate driving! So, we decided to put them in a Christian school very close to where we lived. Then, on the second week of school, I found out that an accident could happen close to home also.
It had been a very busy day for me. I had taken the girls to school, and later that morning, went to church to practice with a lady who sang specials. Time got away from me and I was there much longer than I had planned. I still needed to go to the grocery store before picking up the girls from school. After rushing through the store, I was doing fine, but if I went on to school from the store, my cold foods would get warm while waiting in the car line. It was a very hot September day, so I decided it would be better if I ran the groceries home and put them in the air condition house. I could put them away when I got home. There was only one problem with this plan – I didn’t make it home from school that day. In fact, I didn’t even make it to school!
This was during the time that Hungry Road was being widened from 2 lanes to 4. With all the construction delays, I found it was faster to go the back roads to school. However, this involved going across Staples Mills Road at a place where it widens from 2 lanes to 4 – without a stoplight! I remember pulling up to Staple Mills and looking both ways. To my left, there was nothing coming. To my right, there was a car, but it wasn’t that close or going that fast. As I pulled across the first 2 lanes, I heard a tractor-trailer truck rush its motor. I remember looking across at it and wondering what it was doing on these back roads. I looked to my right again as I continued crossing and I remember seeing a vehicle fly around the car I thought I had time to cross in front of. The driver of the tractor-trailer had been trying to warn me. It all happened so fast! My van was hit at the side door – right where the girls would have been if the had been with me. Thank the Lord they weren’t! My van then hit the tractor-trailer and went off the road. The Lord is so good because I don’t remember anything after this, except for thinking or saying (I’m not sure which) "Oh no, I’m going to end up in the hospital. I hate hospitals!" The next three weeks I have no memory of.
When Chuck got home from work that evening, he didn’t know where I was or why the groceries – even the cold foods – were sitting in the kitchen still in bags. As he sat wondering, the doorbell rang. It was a policeman who told him that I had been in an accident and hurt very badly. I was at St. Mary’s hospital - "But what about the girls?" he asked. The policeman told him I was the only one in the car. "Where are the girls?" he wondered. Right after that, Dreama Fuson called to tell him that she had the girls. She was my emergency number and when I didn’t show up by 5 o’clock, the school had called her.
When Chuck got to the hospital, the doctors weren’t very optimistic. I was semi-conscious. They told him that I probably wouldn’t live through the night and, it would probably be better if I didn’t because more than likely, I would be a vegetable for the rest of my life. Wow! If I lived, they said it would probably take a year before they would even know how much I would recover.
Here Chuck stood – His wife probably wouldn’t live through the night or be a vegetable if she did. He had two young daughters, which needed their mommy. He began to pray, and then he called my family and his family to get them and their churches to pray, and they called their friends and families. Soon, many people were praying for me, people all over the United States. Some of the ladies in our church spent the whole night praying for me, and our families drove straight down from West Virginia arriving in the wee hours of the morning.
I had no broken bones, but I was soon black and blue with bruises. I was wearing my seat belt, which probably helped to save my life. However, the jolt of the accident caused me to suffer a brain injury. The hospital had to shave my head on one side and drill a hole in my skull to relieve the pressure caused from my brain swelling. – And yes, in case you are wondering, I DO have a brain! This was proof!
The first three weeks were very critical – but Chuck was there for me. During this time God gave him a peace in his heart that everything was going to be all right and Romans 8:28 became his favorite Bible verse. The nurses and doctors told Chuck that it helped for my family to talk to me even if I wasn’t responding. My mom told me later that she couldn’t stand to come in to see me with Chuck because it broke her heart to hear him talk to me and tell me how much he and the girls loved me and needed me to get well.
After three weeks, I had improved enough to be taken to Sheltering Arms Hospital to begin therapy. But then, in addition to everything else Chuck received a phone call in the middle of the night. Blood clots had developed in my legs and some of them had gone to my lungs. Things were critical again for a while. But later therapy started, and at age 31, I had to learn to do all those wonderful things that a baby learns! Things we do every-day without even thinking, such a feeding ourselves. Although my mouth is big, I still had trouble hitting it with food! I may hit my forehead, or who knows what! Another thing I had to learn to do, as an adult was to walk! The floor seemed a lot farther away for an adult than it is for a one-year-old! When they first got me up to walk between two polls that looked like parallel bars gymnast use, I begged to have my wheelchair back. My legs wouldn’t move. But as time went on, and after much exercising and stationary bike riding, I could walk with a walker. Later, I learned to walk up and down stair holding on to the rails. At that time we lived in a two-story house with all the bedrooms upstairs, so this was important.
The brain injury not only effected my coordination, and motor skill, but also, my memory. After I learned to maneuver a wheelchair, I would leave my room to go exploring in the hall. There was only one problem with this – I would forget what room to go back to. I would go into someone else’s room and accuse them of being in my bed. The nurses soon learned that when I was in a wheelchair, to tape a card with my room number on it to my skirt tail. That way I could find my way back to the right room. My memory was so terrible that I could eat lunch and after they took the tray away, I couldn’t remember if I had ate, much less what I had eaten. Chuck would come to see me in the evenings and I would tell him that no one had been there all day. But, when he got home, someone would call him to tell him they had come. Then they would tell him something funny I had done, or something funny I had made them do!
On the weekends I was allowed to come home, and things I used to do without even thinking, I couldn’t do. Even the smallest things, such a walking to the bathroom! Every time I needed to go, Chuck had to walk me there and wait to walk me back. I had to be helped in and out of the bathtub. Every time I went up stairs Chuck had to walk behind me, and when I came down he had to walk in front of me to catch me if I lost my balance. At bedtime he would pile pillows and sleeping bags high at the foot of the bed to elevate my legs to reduce the swelling. In the middle of the night I would often stretch, pointing my toes, which caused terrible pain and cramps. Chuck would always wake up and rub my legs until the cramp went away. He took care of me like I was his baby. The Lord has blessed me with a wonderful husband. He loved and nursed me back to health!
During the time I was in the hospital, Chuck had to make some important decisions at work. Decisions he had to make alone because he wasn’t able to talk them over with me. His company was offering lay-off packages and with the years he had with the company, if he had taken the lay-off offer, he could have received a year’s pay. – A year he could have spent helping me recover, he thought, but at the end would involve moving somewhere else to live and work. He didn’t know if I could adjust to the move, so he took a cut in his position to stay in Richmond. He thought that was best for me. After three weeks at Sheltering Arms Hospital, I got to go home. However, I still had a long way to go and so I had to go to therapy every day.
While I was in the hospital and therapy, Chuck’s parents and my parents spent a lot of time in Richmond helping out. However, some weeks, Chuck was on his own. Not only did he have to fix lunches and cook for the girls, but also, help with their homework. And then, there was his favorite thing – fixing their hair of the morning! Some mornings they would go to school and ask their teacher to fix it. But, after I got out of the hospital, they would get up early before I left for therapy so I could do it. Fixing little girl’s hair just wasn’t Chuck’s thing!
As time went on, and therapy continued, I could walk with a walker, then a prong cane, and finally a regular cane. However, the cane was my security blanket that I did not want to give up. Finally, they told me I could have it for just one more week because I didn’t need it. During that week I was quite comical because I would walk through the therapy center holding it tightly – but with it raised a foot off the floor! I wasn’t using it, but I had it just in case I needed it. I was preparing myself for when they would take it from me!
While at the therapy center, the Lord showed me how much we really have to be thankful for. Some of the people there were just pitiful to see. Some had had strokes that affected them much like my head injury affected me, but others were much worse. I don’t remember the names of anyone there, but I can remember their circumstances. One boy was only 19 years old and had been in a terrible motor cycle accident. Before the accident, he was engaged, but his fiancé couldn’t cope with the way he was now. He couldn’t even talk – but I remember his sad eyes. Believe me, we all take a lot for granted.
In addition to the physical therapy I had to go through, they had to deal with my loss of memory. Part of the day I would spend playing computer memory games. Even at the beginners’ level, I would become frustrated. Also, they would often question me about computers because I had some important church records stored on our computer and no one knew exactly how I had them stored. Many were praying that I would remember by the end of the year when they would need these records.
A lot of household duties I had to find new ways of doing. I could walk across the room and forget what I went for. I found that if I said things out loud and heard it, I could remember it much better. I also learned to set timers especially when I was cooking so I wouldn’t burn everything – I still have to do this today although at times, I still treat Chuck as a god and give him burnt offerings! When I first started cooking again I would spend most of my time just looking for things because I couldn’t remember where I had put them away. In addition to that, I was still on blood thinner and my coordination wasn’t good so I wasn’t supposed to use a knife. Try cooking without using a knife – it’s not easy! Even after my coordination improved, I still struggled with my memory. I remember trying to crochet again, my hands were able but my memory wasn’t. I could read just one line of directions, but I couldn’t remember it long enough to do it. Crocheting and cross-stitching became my therapy- they both helped my coordination and my memory.
Before the doctors would release me to drive again, I had to go through a driving course at the therapy center. The doctor wanted to make sure my head injury didn’t effect my judgement. Then, after 4 months in the hospital and therapy, I was finally released, but I still had a long road ahead of me. My memory was much better now, but for some reason, I didn’t remember how to get around and go places. On the weekends, when Chuck and I were out, I would see stores that I had always gone to and it was like seeing them for the first time. I had lived at the grocery store and the fabric store, but now, I didn’t remember where they were or how to get to them. It was like being in a new city and discovering where everything is!
Chuck would encourage me to go out for drives during the daytime just to get me out of the house and back to my normal self. Anytime I went out, there were three things I made sure I had just in case I got lost. One was Chuck’s phone number at work. I also had the phone number of a man that worked with Chuck that we were friends with – just in case Chuck wasn’t in his office. And, a city map. Several times I had to get the map out, but I never had to call him to get home. I also had to learn my license number because when I came out of a store, even after just a short time, I couldn’t remember where I had parked. I never knew there were so many mini-vans in Richmond!
I remember one week right after I got out of therapy, when I guess I was having a pity-party. All week, I kept praying over and over again asking God "Why? Why had this happened to me?" I wanted to know why because I really didn’t want to go through this again! Every time I would pray – Roman 8:28 would come to my mind. All week long I moped around and kept praying, "Why, Lord?’ The answer was always Romans 8:28. I had always heard preachers say that when you are going through trials, that it was God trying to get your attention. Well, He had my attention, but why was my answer always Roman 8:28? The next Sunday, God gave the preacher a message just for me. He preached about how God sends trials into our lives sometimes to make us stronger and to trust Him more. - Not always because we have disobeyed Him. I’m a slow learner, but when I finally quit mopping and asking "Why?" and started thinking about Roman 8:28, I could see a lot of good things which had come as a result of my accident. Our family was definitely drawn closer to each other and to God. My girls saw first hand what prayer can do. We also saw the importance of having our children in a Christian school, which cared for them and worked with them during this time. The girls’ classmates made cards and prayed daily for me. (I still have all these cards!) There are many other things that I learned also, like – not to take even the little things for granted, and not to rush through life but to slow down. And, I saw how much I was loved and what a wonderful family the Lord has given me! A preacher friend of ours told Chuck that he was going through "wife appreciation time" – but I think it was "husband appreciation" time for me, too. It was through this time that I saw how much I was loved by the way he was always there for me and the way he took care of me
Now, when I do things that are just normal everyday activities, I sometimes have to just stop and thank God. I have to thank Him because I can do these things. There are so many things I couldn’t do today if God hadn’t helped me. We ALL have so much to be thankful for. There are many things that I had to learn to do again and I don’t want to ever take them for granted. Things such as playing the piano. I took piano lessons again, along with Kimberly, and although I still can’t play great, I’ve come along way. However, my hands and brain still have problems working together! And then, there is sewing. With the Lord’s help, I have been able to make dresses for all the important events in my girls’ life. I started with Stephanie’s kindergarten graduation dress. Then, every year I would make their Easter dresses and later, I was able to make Kimberly’s homecoming dresses. Later, I made Stephanie’s high school graduation dress. I couldn’t have done it without the Lord’s help.
Then, there are those things, which involve my memory – like teaching a Sunday school class. I am so thankful for the opportunity! Wow! With the Lord’s help, and lot of prayer, I can! "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Phil. 4: 13)
When the pastor first asked me about teaching, I told him I would pray about it, and I did. However, I prayed, "But, Lord . . ." as I tried to talk Him out of it. God used a chorus I was singing one day to show me I just needed to say "Yes". The song said, "Yes, Lord, yes, to Your Will and to Your Way. Yes, Lord, yes, I will trust You and obey. . ." I wasn’t really trusting the Lord, was I? I wasn’t happy until I said, "Yes."
There are several songs that Chuck and I used to sing before the accident, which now have a new meaning to us. We would sing, "Learning to Lean" – but did we really know what it meant to lean on Jesus? We do now! And other songs like, "Thank you Lord, for Your Blessings on Me." Not only do we have "a roof up above us" and "a good place to sleep. There’s food on our table" (We can feed ourselves that food!) "And shoes on our feet" (Our feet which can move and walk!) How often do we thank God for this? God "gave me His love, and a fine family," a wonderful family! "Thank you, Lord. For Your blessings on me"!
Several years after my accident, I was visiting a friend in Alabama, which introduced me to a lady in her church who instantly remembered me because she had prayed for me. The same thing happened in West Virginia when my mother-in-law started to introduce me to a lady in her church. "This is my daughter-in-law Kathey, she . . ." that was as far a she got when the lady looked at me and said, "I know, I prayed for you." It is such a humbling but blessed feeling to know that others prayed for me. People that didn’t even know me - prayed for me. They prayed earnestly because years later they still remembered praying and even remembered my name! I still tear up today when I think about all those who prayed for me. I’m so glad that God hears and answers prayers.

Sometimes timing just plain sucks

I got a speeding ticket today for 60/45. I can't afford that right now... and the asshole who pulled me over actually did it illegally according to my friend (who majored in law enforcement). He was driving on the opposite side of the road from me... turned on his sirens.... made a u-turn... actually, he was a bad driver and so it was a 3-point turn and then pulled me saying he had clocked me at 60. As soon as he turned on his sirens I braked, so he must of clocked me when he was on the opposite side of the road... which he's not allowed to do. I mean, I know I deserve the ticket... I'm just frustrated. I can't afford itright now. I don't wanna get shit from my parents... they are going to try to tell me that they can take my license away or something... which they can't, but they think they can... and if they find out they can't... they will prolly say that they can do whatever they want while I live here... I hate having that hung over my head. I just don't want to tell them... I'm scared. hehe, I'm such a dork.... a broke dork at that.

Btw, when I say don't respond or say anything to me about something... I mean it, I didn't know I would have to turn of my comments to one of my posts b/c people are just that rude.

ah, wish me luck

After tedious moments of deciding what to wear, I am putting aside the fact that joey might not mtalk to me for a month... and scott, well, might not for eternity, and focusing on doing well in my interview with Victoria's Secret... in a approximately 1 hr 10 minutes. I must be on my way... just wanted to check w/ the before the interview... will keep you posted, hehe. tata

Bitter Blood -- Recipe of Ruin

Fresh blood at sight
Scaly skin pricks
Unaware of pain
Elimnatned of might
Reflection of remorse
Hoping for no scar
Wonder about recurence
Denying another course

Set the blade down
Clean up the wound
Stop being delirious
Don't want your life ruined
Find the good way
Stop looking at the disfigurement
Wanting to add more details
Just stop wanting this torment

Making more marks
Engraving empty emotions
Breathing bitter blood
Heeding harsh hatred
Knowing not numbness
Controlled, coherent, careless
Under unstoppable unity
With ruining recipe

Wipe the reddened skin
Cover up the sin
Do not let anyone know
Do not allow marks to show
They can not comprehend
Learn to lie and pretend
Hope it won't happen again
Maybe this will be the end...

The little Goldfish

Isn't it wierd how we try to fit so much in between four walls and a roof? We bring in animals, plants, light, minature waterfalls, and lil aquariums... then we buy things like treadmills and stationary bikes so we can do what we could easily do outside... but in our little controlled enviroment. We light candles that are scented like flowers or trees and we play relaxing tapes entitled "nature songs." What is so hard about opening the door and stepping outside? Why limit a little goldfish to a small tank, just so you can look at him.... If he were in the wild he would grow and be a large fish. His life wouldn't be created and prolonged for your enjoyment. What do you think that fish gets out of you? Companionship? HA... It gets nothing... It just gets to swim in small little circles. Sometimes that's how I feel. I feel like my parent's goldfish. I feel as if they not only control what I do.... but how I've developed. I'm so sick of being here, and I think I"ve admitted that bluntly enough. I'm going to have to start planning on changing it. Not later, not tommorow, or next week... but right now.

Ah, okay, so I didn't make it thru the ten days. I stopped. I blacked out the gym a few too many times. I had a talk w/ a friend. I don't know... well, okay, I'm fucked in the head. Really, I am. What made me break my fast the first timem was t hat I stepped on the scales... I wasn't supposed to... but I was waiting for my water to get hot to take my shower... and its just my habit. I had lost 12 pounds in four days. That was just so... like, wow! and my mind started thinking... well, I don't really need to fast... blah,blah, totally forgetting the reasons I started in the first place... or maybe my original reason was to lose weight. I don't know... all I know is I had to stop. :( I don't feel like posting about anything else going on in my life... I'm just so annoyed w/ my mother right now... and so annoyed at myself.... wondering if I'm leading anyyone on. Apparantly I am.. apparantly I'm a bitch for being friendly ("flirting").... whatever, I'm nto going to change how I act b/c someone told me it was leading someone on.... I just don't even give a shit...

ARGH, back to square two

So on Friday night... I was bored and wanted to go out. I call up a friend... somehow he ends up convincing me to go out to eat w/ him. So we went to a mexican restaurant and I ate a huge taco salad. It was good... and they actually got my order right... I had to break out a lil bit of spanish... "Argh, no quiero queso" lol... it was great and yeah, I ate. :( So I have to start all over. Pain in the ass. I'll make it thru at some point. I'm gonna keep starting over till I get all ten days in :) well, I gotta run....

I want this to be my profile pic... and its not working... gr.. trying again

aaaah, I'm hungry still

End of day three is no better... night time is the worst. I'm always hungry at night. It's so horrible. Um, my day was okay today. I had to go to a floral design class... it was fun. I learned a lot, but had a confidence boost b/c some of the people there knew nothing. Then I worked tonight... really hard... I don't wanna talk about it... but yeah, I blacked out twice. I'm good... tis all good... just had to move too many heavy things too fast and yeah... got all dizzy and shit. I got my job done though, on time for once! YAY... I'm tired now... just gonna chill and try to avoid wanting food.

Day 3

okay, so let me kind of recap. The day before yesterday (Tuesday), I was driving on my way to work... and we've been having lots of rain lately... non stop, really. I was driving along the rode... hit a lot of water, hydroplaned, and made a complet donut in the middle of the road. I can't believe I didn't hurt anyone! Its so wierd.. amazing... that no one was around b/c its a pretty busy road. I just know to drive slower over puddles now. :)
Yesterday morning I woke up to the smell of fresh baked cookies and an empty stomache. It was such a vile smell  knowing that I couldn't/wouldn't eat anything.  I walk to the kitchen... pour a glass of juice... reflect... ah, it was a day. Nothing special. I had the day off and am still not feeling well (cramps, boo). I just relaxed, did a few errands.... mostly sat on my ass in front ofthe computer... and then went to church. This morning... I woke up, still w/ hunger pains.... but I don't feel light headed, yay! Tommorow I hope will be easier.

What Is Grieving really?

  I hardly go to funerals, but when I do... I always feel so out of place. Everyone is weepy or have that blank stare on there face. I just don't understand it. Thinking back to people that i have lost, I can't say I've openly cried about them. Somberness only comes out of respect. The actual act of grieving I don't think I'll ever understand. They say everyone grieves in their own way.... and so I tried to think, well, what is my way? I mean, I know I write when I'm upset... and I can think of things I wrote when certain people passed away... but how can that be a form of grieving? Writing is what I do when I'm feeling sorry for myself... writing is what I do when I don't want to talk to anyone but my paper... I don't know, maybe that is my way... My way to cope? All I know is whenever I hear bad news like I heard yesterday.... all I want to do is pick up a pen and keep to myself.
  Yesterday, two teenagers lost their father. He was working, crossing a street or on the street's side, and a truck ran him over. I'm not quite sure how it feels to lose a parent, especially at that age... although I do have a close friend who does. I remember holding her and my friends at the funeral. I remember how she had said that she didnt' want anyone to dress drab for her funeral. How different is this situation though? I mean,  so unexpected... It makes everyone reflect on how much to value life. How "life is but a vapor that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away." Your prayers would be appreciated for the family... the mother passed away a few years ago, and now the father.

Day 1 of Fast

So I am officially starting my juice fast this morning. I was supposed to start like three weeks ago... but I didn't. Anyways, I'm starting today. I bought pineapple juice and passion fruit apple carrot juice b/c I don't have a juicer. :( If this fast is successful I will have to go buy me one. IF I can find one under $100. The one I want is like $250. Oh well... we'll see
Today was supposed to be a good day for me. I was supposed to get a lot done.... but I'm on my period and cranky. I'm pretty much using it as an excuse to not get all the things done I need to.  Oh well, tommorow is another day. I'll do it tommorow.

I think I've become horrible about posting often

So I found out that the two guys I talk about on here come and look at this sight... funny how that's like really embarrassing. hey boys, why don't you post on here? :P haha, don't be shy! oh well.... no drama today... just a story
This is a technique the Eskimos use to massively hunt wolves. They take a knife and kill one drenching the knife w/ the wolf's blood and then freezing it on. Once the blood freezes on, they dip it again and freeze. They do this repeatedly until the knife has a nice thick coating of blood, and then they sit it out in the middle of a field where they are having problems w/ lots of wolves. The wolves will smell that blood and find it. Desiring flesh, they lick the blood off the knife...  As it melts and they taste the blood in their mouth, it makes them want more and more.  They lick all the cold blood off and then they start to taste warm blood, not realizing it is their own. They lick and lick until they can't anymore. Soon, they can be found.... not far from the knife with bloody mouths and lifeless bodies.
Isn't sad how our addiction sins: lust, greed, and jealously can do the same to us. We dont' always realize what we are doing to ourselves.  I guess the main thing to remember... everything in moderation. Gluttonous desires destroy a person.

Aw, its joey! Hehe, I hope he doesn't mind I posted this pic.... sssssshhhh, don't tell him. I was gonna take a pic of the both of us.... but my cam fell and broke.... now it won't work w/ just batteries. gr

I miss joey. He left this morning around 12. We had an interesting morning.... his car wouldn't start gr. Anyways, yeah, the past week went by really fast; but I"m still confused. Everything felt so right... but was that b/c he's here physically? We'll see what happens. I just want to hold him right now.

confused.... argh....

eh, I've had a good past few weeks..... new guy in the scene... he's wonderful. Of course, scott has to come back into the picture to complicate things. I want to be w/ him so badly....
Parents are out of town! yay! Joey is coming in town... sadly, he doesn't live here... joey.... the newguy.... I'm so grrrr I don't know what I want anymore

Stay Gone

I think... one day... I'll be able to say to myself, I am complete. Right now, all I do is question my worth. I mean, I'm going no where in my life... and although it's something I realize; I do not care. It's just like so inhuman of me. I used to be so deep. I put my heart into everything I did. Now I'm just an apathetic lil brick. All my passion has been drained, and the only way to get it back is to provoke me w/ the love of the one I lost. The one who needs to stay gone. The one I can't make do that... because I don't want him to.

Shit Life -- Dope

Ithink I'm finished w/ the catching up thing. I mean other shit happened.... but its an entirely new weekend and I"m so over that stuff now. Except scott... wont' ever be over him. I wake up everyone morning thinking about him. I seriously lay in my bed not being able to get up b/c I'm sitting there thinking about himn. I don't want to go on w/ my day b/c I have to face the reality of being alone. I just lay there till the last possible moment... then ten minutes before I'm supposed to be somewhere else I jump out of bed, take a five minute shower, and race out the door... this is what I do every morning. No exceptions.
yay for yesterday! okay, not so much. I was supposed to go to the beach. Me and my best friend headed up there in my lil car. Its like... a 2 hour drive (a little over an hour when I'm driving). She wants to go up to a mall that's "close to the beach." I didnt' really understand why at first... but I was like, okay, thats cool. So after we finally gt out of richmond... had tons of errands to run first... its like 12:30 and we are in the virginia beach area... or not really... but close. She tells me to get off the wrong exit and we are going like to downtown newport news.... the stupid mall was in downtown norfolk... so we have to turn around. She calls up her friend for directions and she tells us we have to go thru the tunnel then to go into downtown. Somehow we end up in downtown portsmouth and we are going thru another tunnel.... so then we get direction from a randomn guy... go back thru the damn tunnel... finally make it to these mall. It was a nice mall.. three story. Good stores. I spent too much money, like always; but the real reason were there... was, I should of guessed, b/c she like some guy that moved up to that area and worked at the mall. Yeah, okay.... so we finally decide to go back to the beach... and of course... its starts pouring down the rain and storming. I was going to get my belly button pierced at the beach.. was so excited; but we ended up going back home. Traffic was horrid... took us like 3 or 4 hours to get back. Stupid ppl can't drive. Then I was cranky from traffic and like... we were doing random stupid shit but I was cranky the whole time. I never got my belly button pierced waaaaaahhh... okay, enough w/ the whining.
I've been having binge eating relapses lately... I guess b/c I've been upset. I'm not really sure why, I've actually purged a few timems too; but it wasn't by choice. Last night I ate a whole lot... and today I'm trying really hard to stop mysyelf. I hate being like this.

a new day, a brigher outlook? nah

I still think about scott every day. OH, btw... I haven't heard the song that I have linked here (click on the title to view the lyrics), but I totally love the lyrics. I need to hear it... I HAVE TO. haha, I'm such a dork.
okay, back to "catching up." I left you off pissed off about scott being a dickhead for getting back w/that girl... or at least that's what he's attempting to do. So, I mean, I'm numb to this, right? It's painful and it makes me cry; but I'm becomming callous to heartache. My parents go out of town last thursday... I have to go to work early and then when I get off I go to king's dominion w/ my best friend and her little brother. I love her to death... and him, but argh, I was so frustrated that day. I love going to amusement parks for the thrills and the fun, not the whining. We go to the water park and have a blast, but after awhile it becomes boring even for little matthew. So we go into the amusement park part of the park and this boy... who is almost 13 years old won't ride any of the coasters. Is that baffling to you? I mean, when I was like 6 I was whining b/c I could only ride the kiddie coasters.... As soon as I bcame tall enough I was ridding everything! I mean, what is wrong w/ this kid? So yeah, I get frustrated but I still go along w/ the lil whiny boy and do what he wants. So we ride one water ride and after we are wet we d ecide to go ahead and ride the log flume... ooooo the log flumme? lol, who is scared of that? you can ride it as an infant. Stupid boy is scared. We're going up the last hill and I start screaming and talking to the operator on top that I want off.. just joking b/c I thought it was hillarious. Apparantly it wasn't. Apparantly I was being a bitch and making fun of the little baby. ARGH.... I thought that was so stupid. STUPID STUPID STUPID. That's how I feel about it. Anyways, I just had to get that out... not too interesting but I got it out. Um, Friday I worked in the morning again... hardly got any sleep that nigth just b/c I was all sad about scott and I don't know... I stayed online pretty late and then had to be at work at 7:30. When I got off I did random shit like bought my dad a father's day president.. went grocery shopping... out to eat w/ some friends.. etc. Then I went and rented some mmovies for me and allen to watch that night. Gothika, 50 first dates, and the italian job. He cam over around 11:30 and like... I don't know... he was really being all that f lirty... I drank some of the jack daniel's he brough over... but he didn't. I was like whatever... we watched twoish movies.. talked some. not much... he asked to kiss me and I told him no... haha. I mean, he's still w/ his gf and I wasn't really feeling that attracted to him at all at that mmoment. So like, at 4 I told him that I was going to go to bed since we were leaving for the beach at 7. He decided to go home instead of spending the night here... which I thought was odd since it was so late... but I was just like okay.... said bye or whatever. So then I clean up the house some b/c my parents were coming home saturday. I never actualy went to sleep. I got online for a while.... cleaned and packed and then itwas like 5:30. I took an hour nap and then got up and g ot ready for the beach. ALlen calls me at like 7:15ish and tells me he can't go to the beach b/c his parents got in this big fight and stuff. So it ends up being me, my best friend, her boyfriend, and two other guys in our cool lil expedition... it was sweet! Okay, let me rephrase... huge expedition. Um, we get there... having a blast... we met up w/ two other guys and its just like a great timem w/ all these guys me and jennifer. I love not being around a bunch of self conscious whiny girls. OOOOOHHHH, back it up, let me tell you what happened w/ jennifer. Okay, so like, she didn't have her bathing suit on yet so we stop at a rest stop so she can put it on. She has a gorgeous bathing suit... it cost her $100, so I would hope so, but i notice this problem when we get back in the car. Her like padding was showing really really bad. I couldn't tell her b/c I was sitting in the back and she was driving a nd I didn't wanna come off bitchy and embarass the fuck out of her. So when we get to the beach, I come up to her and ask her if she could take the padding out b/c it was showing a bit. I mean, come on, that's embarrassing. Who wouldn't want to be told that. I guess she was acting out defensive b/c she got really bitchy at me... kept readjusting me and asking me if was showing. Knowing that we were going to be like, running around, in the water, tackling each other... I tell her yeah, its okay for now. And then she keeps asking me over and over.... ARGH... anyways, so we get out on the beach and we start playing volleyball. I look over at her, and half the fake boob is sticking out.... So I run past her to get the ball and try to tell her discreetly to look down... so finally she takes the stupid things out. I mean, I understand why she didn't wnat to... b/c the bathing suit was going to be a lil big on her when she did. But looking from a guy's perspective... to see a girl w/ padding in her top is like... wow, she must be insecure... why does she want to false advertise? IT's not like that for us though... its just like, if you have a thin bathing suit on, you're going to have headlights showing when yo uget cold (which I did... oh well) and w/ the padding you look slightly bigger... but its still your boobs. Anyways, that was just drama of the morning.... she apologized later. I'm tired of typing and you're probably tired of reading... so I"m going to continue this once again... later.

a little bit of catching up

*sigh* I've been having some shitty days lately.... some good, a lot of shitty. Okay, I don't think I've told you anything since before my sister's wedding so I'll try to recap... this might take more than one day to do.
Okay, so the actual night of my sisters wedding (june 5th), I get a text message from scott. He's really upset and all like saying he needs to talk. I'm a softie so, even though it was like 1 am and I hadn't gotten any sleep for the past two days (my sis wedding was very stressful/time consuming), we talk on the phone. since I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate the details of it all being online... I'll make it short and sweet. He was forced to not be able to talk or see his ex. He was very upset and I talked to him for a long while. I can't stand to see him so sad and frustrated. We talked a lot. Like every day for a long time. After a while, I asked him why he had picked me to come to about all this... and he said, well, isn't it obviou? I still love you. We start telling each other I love you and such and I started feeling really close to him. He seemed to be dealing pretty well w/ the whole ex thing and I thought we were getting somewhere. He was still kinda sad all the time and I knew there was one thing I could do that would definitely cheer him up since conversation wasn't working: phone sex. We had some fun. it was great. OKay, so you know I said this is shit so you're just waiting for the downfall right? oh well, gonna have to wait a bit.
Let's introduce a new character. His name is Allen. We went to school together. He was a year older than me, but we still had some classes together. Apparantly, he's had a crush on me since 10th grade (2000). I guess, when I was in highschool I thought I was too good for all the guys at my school. That and I was dating scott for the latter part. I dont' remember dating a single guy. I can remember rejecting a whole lot of nice guys... hot guys... but I don't think I ever dated at all. In my eyes, boys equal complications and pain.... and why did I need more of that in my life? Anyways, this allen guy, last summer told me about how he's liked mem forever and never could ask me out b/c I was dating somemone online and everything. We hang out a lot the last week before he goes back to college in pensacola. He had a girlfriend down there and I told him that I will never be the "girl that a guy cheats on his gf with." To me, that is like the most horrid and disgusting title anyone could ever earn. Anyways, this summer he's been kinda flirting w/ me and stuff... and then last sunday I was telling how my parents were going out of town. Just joking, I asked him if he wanted to come over and ahve drinks... he's all like yeah yeah.... and so I was like, fine, that would be cool. This was all taking place during church, so I asked him if he wanted to go outt o lunch. We go out... spend like a long timem driving around and talking and everything. We kinda got on the subject of sex. Me being totally innocent and him having some experience. We talked about what he had done.. being mostly oral sex... and then he starts asking me if I would like to do that w/ him blah blah... and I couldn't lie and say, no, I don't... so I say, yeah, maybe. Totally getting his hopes up, I suppose I'm a bitch like that. The truth is, I would like to do those things.... w/ a certain person. I'm just not into any other guys. Anyways, I call scott after this and kinda tell him about it. He's kinda pissed. I was just trying to be honest w/ him. I love him so much... I regret telling him. I think that is pretty much the reason shit happened. That night I call him and we start talking about things and he has me try something new on the phone and I guess I wans't really into it... into it yet, anyways... which aggravated him. Then we just start arguing...pretty much the first argument we had had since we started talking again that was like... the kind where you get all annoyed at each other. He then states that he just wants to g o.... he always bails out in the middle of arguments. He wouldn't tell me he loved me. He ended up hanging up on me b/c I wouldn't say goodnight... I was being bitchfully stubborn. Then after that, he was either busy or didn't feel like talking... or not there... whenever I called. I catch him online one night.. and I try to talk to him, but he doesn't respond. So since I'm annoyed, I start searching the chat rooms he normally chats in.... and I notice that his ex is online (she wasn't able to for a while b/c of the "situation"). ANyways, I start talking to her about shit and everything and like being totally nice even though we were both jealous of each other. I call scott and leave him a message on callwave that I had talked to his ex and he needed to get offline so we could talk about what I had said to her, since he stillwasn't able to talk to her. I was so mad... I called a million timems but he wouldn't get off. So yeah, a few days pass... me trying to contact him every day and not being able to... then I ask him a few days ago online if he's getting back w/ jess his reply "things weren't going to work out between us steff, and you know it" ARGH! I had fucking faith in us. NO, he has to get back w/ his ex. He always does this to me..... fucks me over.... sigh... I'm frustrated and I need to gt offline.... I'll post some of the more happy stuff tommorow or sometime. I promimse there are some good things. good-night

I'm sick of ppl thinking they can undrestand me (Precious Illusions)

A friend of a little-more-than-a-friend of mine (let's call him Bob) came to me yesterday with concern. Apparantly Bob had expresed to her that he was worried about me. She wouldn't come right and say it, but finally she was talking openly about it. Bob had told her that I starve myself. What do you say to that? I tell her, "No, I don't." And she keeps pushing it. I start to explain how I've been stressed lately and food stresses me out more. I would have told her and explained to her that I've had both anorexia and compulsive over eating disorder, and I simply do not trust my appetite. It's stressful to sit and decide what to to eat, how much to eat, when to eat, how fast to eat... it's so hard to do that when you know either one whether it be to either extreme, could lead to a relapse. I was going to explain that's why I haven't been eating lately, but I didn't get the chance. I was going to tell her what I've been stressed about: sis's wedding, job, Scott... the fact that I'm almost in debt. I didn't get a chance to talk about those either. It was like she was saying, "honey, you just need to eat. People don't deserve to have to worry about you." Its not that fucking simple. It's like this : don't fucking worry about me then. I understand food sustains life. I'm not stupid enough to starve myself to death. By the way, why didn't Bob come to me about this? What am I supposed to think of him now?

aw, its a mom, sis, and sis moment

Unrequited Seduction

Standing in front of a crowd of a thousand,
My body convulses and my mind turns blank.
Trying to forget how my soul has been damned,
How I've been demoted to the lowest rank.
My mouth try to utter an apology,
While all the piercing eyes shout their disbelief.
They make feel I deserve this agony.
Regret settles in. There will be no relief.

Shaking fists, mutterance of "crucify her,"
Vagueness, terror, suffering, embarrassment.
My mother, how could I defy her?
My father, why all the harassment?
That's what it all comes down to: social status.
How could this offspring of theirs be so horrid,
How could this young daughter have so much malice?
Sweat bands feel as if they're piercing my forehead.

I'm damn sick of being a people pleaser.
Its not something in my bones, body, or belief.
I love to be free, to be a men teaser,
To be myself is an ever sweet relief.
Now I stand for all th fucking crowd to see.
Not bodly, not energetic, but naked,
See my imperfections, my indecency.
See my temper, the reason I am hated.

This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
I'm ready for all of your criticism.
This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
Try to settle down, contain your orgasm.

Really, this is my stage to you.
You'll never be up here with me.
I'll never long to be with you.
Understand, you can't change me.

I'm the opposite of a people pleaser.
-- I am lonely --
Stubborness will keep me forever up here.
Lack of interest will keep the crowd down there.

Isn't it great to be wanted?

So, I"m thinking. In honor of memorial day weekend, I"mgoing to go out w/ a army boy... but there's a long story behind it... so let me give you the semi-edited version.
There was this guy my senior year of highschool who totally came out of his timid shell, and became loud, obnoxious, and obssessed w/ me. Its like he knew I wouldn't go out w/ him so he made it a point to harrass me on an hourly basis. I went to a small Christian school, and all my classmates took all the same classes. So every day, every hour of school this guy was constantly making lude comments toward me and "flirting" in his odd little way. Of course, I became annoyed and it was an understood on-going joke that all my schoolmates and teachers knew about. Since I was a smartass, none of the teachers really took my side. It was like the boy who called wolf. This isn't a pity story though... it was all funny, just slightly annoying; but you have to something to make the school day interesting. Okay, so this guy... he's now in the army and he for some reason is actually hot. Tan, muscular... you know, the works. HAHA... since I've always been a bitch to him, I don't have to worry about him getting mad and leaving when I am bitch.... so tonight he's taking me out to dinner. He's going back to afghanistan or somewhere in 4 days, so its all good. Maybe i'll post a pic on here of him if I can snap one tonight. Wahoo. I know I'll have fun b/c he knows he can't get anywhere w/ me. I guess this makes me even more bitchy though... going outw/ a guy for a free dinner and a confidence boost... but what girl hasn't done that?

Today was an interesting day... I had to get up really early and travel to a friend's of my sister's weddings. It wasn't horrid... jut all boring. Everthing about today was boring. 4 hours in a car. Two/three hours of boredom in a church/reception hall... then back to 4 hours in a car. wahoo! I'm all crampy and cranky... its great

some days I can think of nothing else...

Some days I can think of nothing else but how much I want to be with scott. Some days all I can think about is what we had... what more we could of had. I have to remind myself that he is with someone else now. She is about to move in with him, so I should be over him. July 4th will be a year since we broke up. Is it sad that I"m still not over him? Does love ever give up? I don't think I'll ever have the answer to that question. Every day proves that it can push me longer...

Just trying out this new feature.... pic of me everyone has seen.... 

"THE WOMAN LINGER at the waters edge... This is an image of bounty, a view of female physicality in which a woman's hungers are both celebrated and undifferentiated, as though all her appetites are of a piece, the physical and the emotional entwined and given equal weight. Food is love on this landscape, and love is sex, and sex is connection, and connection is food; appetites exist in a full circle, or in a sonata where eating and touching and making and feeling close are all distinct chords that nonetheless meld withand complement one another."

-- exert from the prologue of Appetites : Why Woman Want by Caroline Knapp

I finally was able to find and pick up this book at Barnes And Noble. It's awesome! Definitely recommend it. I haven't even read much yet... its great though. :)

Its frustrating that once I finally let ppl read my writings.. they don't get me. I normally don't let people read mostly b/c I have this problem w/ perfection. I'll sit and re-word my writings 20... 30 times. This one I went over once and didn't feel like changing anything. The stupid parts make the better sound good? no... not really. Anyways, the other reason I don't let ppl is b/c I don't think they will get me, and my gracious, I was right. This fucking poem has nothing to do w/ suicide. ITs about running out of options. Its about knowing there is nowhere I can turn where my heart won't feel ripped out. ~sigh~ I really don't care if people get it. Just say to yourself, "wow, that was a piece of shit" and go on w/ your life.

Peaceful Anguish

She sits and stares into the void of the night,
And trys to find sommething in her life that's bright.
Not that it would help her.

Her mind instantly turns to her lost lover;
The pain is too intense for her to cover.
Not that it would hide her.

She finds a rope and trys to make a slipknot
To end her sad life and make her body rot.
Not that it would hold her.

She throws the rope and picks up a razor blade,
Closes her eyes to make all memory fade.
Not that it would haunt her.

She suddenly becomes ever so peaceful--
So peacefully numb to her pain, it's blissful.
Not that it would hurt her.

She slowly scrapes the blade down her wrist's vein;
Along w/ the blood, rushes in all the pain.
Not that it would harm her.

She jumps, startled, so startled that the blade fell.
She screamed at it and told it to go to hell.
Not that it would hear her.

She see's a lost, sad girl in the window glass,
Not recognizing her reflection or past.
Not that it would hate her.

She's tired, angry, confused, and worn out.
Can't feel her pulse because her heart's been torn out.
Not that it would hunt her.

She stops eating because she hates her "temple."
Starvation's techniqute is ever so simple.
Not that it would house her.

Her body slowly startes to emaciate.
Of course, its not something she utterly hates.
Not that it would heal her.

She walks to the kitchen to the pantry door,
Food binging starts while her mind keeps screaming "more! "
Not that it would hush her.

She eats until she can not eat anymore,
Stares in the toilet's void, falling to the floor.
Not that it would hollow her.

Her body hates her.
Her mind hates her.
Her heart hates her.
Not that they would humble her.

Her body gains when she tells it to lose.
Her mind heals when she wants it to bruise.
Her heart hates when he trys to amuse.
Not that they would honor her.

Her body bleeds when she tells it to heal.
Her mind rebels when she wants to deal.
Her heart is numb when she trys to feel.
Not that they would hinder her.

She sinks into a dark corner... knowing that her life will continue for eternity. She doesn't fight her problems anymore. Just sits back and watches them in a way that seems a distant view. Peaceful anguish will continue. She needs a savior to heal her, but will he ever appear? It seemms as if he has stopped caring

wow, its been a while. I'm gonna just type up a random writing