The reasons I know I'm scared.

When I look back at every "relationship," I've been in all I can think of are the bad times.

I remember fighting every day...

I remember being a complete bitch.

I hated myself more than I hated him.

I felt restricted... possessed... and obligated.

I guess I could sit here and slander every relationship I've ever had with someone, but that's not really what is on my mind right now. I've always fought to be single because it's so less complicated. You don't have anyone else to worry about but yourself... but what happens when you can't help but to think about someone else, regardless of being "with them." I mean, can I really fight this so much longer?

It's quite obvious who I'm talking about... but in case you're out of the loop... I'll go ahead and explain.

Jen (best friend) tried to set me and james up like... 3 or 4.... is still don't know... years ago. I was in one of those I-don't-want-a-relationship stages of my life. Nothing ever came of it and he moved to fucking PA. We started talking a lot in the past 3 months and the first weekend of this month I went to visit him... it was great. I feel so content when I'm around him. We planned for him to come see me on my birthday... but my birthday is on September 17th and I've already seen him twice since then... he's even planning on coming this weekend too. One time he came down and once we met in the middle... isn't that adorable? We talk all the time... pretty much all day through texts... and fall asleep on the phone most nights. I'm just so freaking happy.. I don't want to lose this... and that is why I'm so scared.

The Cosmopolitan Girl

A conversation a few weeks ago led to one of my friends commenting to me that my stories always sound like something out of cosmo. She then told me, "you should have a blog!" I was like... duh, I do! I don't think my escapades of infatuation, awkward sexual moments, and shameful drama are that which my blog readers would enjoy or more imporantly, I would feel like sharing. I could tell the stories... but then why would I have specific close friends to spill my guts to? And really, even though I would tell even a stranger most of the details of my life, I don't find them necessary pieces of information. For this friend, that's what we talk about though. It's weird because we aren't exactly best friends, but we both know things that each other's best friends don't know.
I guess I could start leaving really juicy stories... tell ppl to read them and work up an audience, but knowing what kind of attention that would bring... I think I'll stick to my random thoughts that just pop into my head... not dramatic details of a life that I hardly enjoy.