I'm still depressed... thought you should know.

Not sure what is going through my mind right now.

I really do have a lot of great things right now.

• Wonderful Boyfriend
• Enough money to get by
• A job
• Good health (hopefully I don't have scabies...examining arm right now)
• Eternal security
• Great friends
• All my teeth
• and well... I can't think of much I want that I don't have

I don't know what's wrong w/ me.... *sigh*

With This Knife Smile Empty Soul

i let myself fall into a lie
i let my walls come down
i let myself smile and feel alive
i let my walls come down

no matter how i try i don't know why
you push so far away
you wrapped your hands tight around my heart
and squeezed it full of pain

with this knife i'll cut out the part of me
the part that cares for you
with this knife i'll cut out the heart of me
the heart that cares for you

i can't believe the way you took me down
never saw the pain
coming in a million broken miles
like poison in my veins

with this knife i'll cut out the part of me
the part that cares for you
with this knife i'll cut out the heart of me
the heart that cares for you

the hate and the fear
the nightmares that wake me up
in the tears
the nightmares and (the hate)...

You're Not The First

You're not the first to do this to me.
You're not the first to make me feeel this way.
You're not the first to make me sob.
Not the first to make me agonize.
You're not the first to hang up on me.
You're not the first to stand me up.
You're not the first to disappoint me.
Not the first to leave me.
You're not the first to use me.
You're not the first to cheat on me.
You're not the first to seduce me.
Not the first to bruise me.
You're not the first that has made me feel this way.
Not the first to make me want to hurt myself.
You're not the first to cry for me.
Not the first to deceive me.
You're not the first one I felt I couldn't live without.
Not the first "love of my life."

Maybe you were a lot of my firsts.
Maybe I'm soon to make the biggest mistake I've made.
Maybe I shouldn't post this.....
But all that with in me keeps going back to this one thought.

You weren't my first of all.

And although you just called me to wish a good day... while I was looking at my last entered text... I don't feel any happier. I don't feel complete. I'm just sitting crying, after pretending everything is okay.

I don't think you understand. You're losing me day by day. It's not just b/c you're not my first...

It's also because this isn't the first t ime.

This isn't the first time you made me feel like this.
And this isn't the first time you've made me agonize...

I'm sorry I'm numb, and I'm sorry I seem hollow.
I just really can't take this any longer.
All the pain, scrutiny, expectations.

I'm numb b/c I c an't stop thinking.
Are things ever going to change?

So go ahead and threaten me again. Tell me you're going to l eave me. You won't hear crying. You won't hear a fight. I've been drained of all that.

I'm just an empty person.

I'm t rying to figure o ut who was obssessively viewing my pages at like midnight last night all t hey way until 2am. It's kinda weirding me out. I h ad like 50 pageloads and a lot of them were repeated pages of the blog.... its weird. I have the ip and the isp but can't figure out the location of the person. If anyone wants to help me w/ that..... that would be awesome. I'm just kind of freaked out, wouldn't you be too?

Thinking back

I don't know why but I started to think of this random mannerism I h ad when I was 12, and I felt like posting it. Just to make me sound a bit more psycho... :)

It was a punishment of sorts, although I didn't have to do anything to deserve it. I just punished myself more if needed.

I have this desk chair in my room. I would be "doing my homework" in it and throw a pencil on the floor so that if my mom walked in I would tell her I was getting my pencil. What I was really doing is bending over the chair so that the edge of it would dig into my stomache. I would see how long I could stand putting all my weight into the sharp edge of the chair. I would j ust hang there..... blood rushing to my head. I still don't really understand why I did it. Maybe it was some inward way of showing how much I hated my body, or maybe I was even more psycho way back when than I am now, but I do know that I did it. I did it every day. Sometimes, i would wake up in the middle of the night and want to do it. I would be at school trying to push the desktop into my stomache w/o people noticing just to try and have that same feeling. Maybe it made me feel smaller. Maybe I just wanted to be reassured that there wasn't anything extra there. I wanted to feel my bones rubbing against the plastic.

Now, the reason I would be punishing myself is another story.

I would take my lunch to school every day (we had to pack lunches b/c the cafeteria just served ice cream and milk.), and my mom always packed certain things in it. My sandwich which I ate on occasion, a bag of chips which I normally gave a way to friends, yogurt/pudding/fruit which I would ball up in my napkin and throw away, and some sort of sweet. Now t he sweet was put back into my lunch box.

Every morning my mom forced me to drink Carnation Instant Breakfast. Not b/c she was a mean mom who wouldn't let me have anything else...... but b/c I refused to eat anything. During lunchtime, the sandwich was normally eaten, a lot of times my sister would come check on me to see if I had eaten it. When I got home from school I would go and take the sweet into my room and put it in my closent. I would do this for a few weeks and they w ould accumulate until I had a bad day. A bad day b/c I had a bad grade to be signed or something stupid like that. I wouldn't k now how to tell my parents and I would hide a way in my room right after getting home. I would close the door, lock it, put something in front of it, and then crawl into my very tiny closent and sit in the dark, quickly eating every l ittle debbie cake in there.

I can't believe how vivid my memory is about this. I can't remember half of what happened yesterday, but I remember feeling the urgency to shovel food into myself. As if, eating all those sweets that a normal kid would of already eaten, would make me, in fact, normal. And normal kids knew how to deal w/ their parents, right? Normal kids didn't wake u p in the middle of the night to undress and weigh themselves. Normal kids didn't punish themselves, but that's exactly what I did. After finishing the last one, I would make myself lay over that chair and stare at t he pencil until dinnertime.

Dinnertime is when I would tell my parents. Dinnertime I would tell them..... and I would cry. I would cry b/c they were telling me my punishment. I would cry hoping they would forget about the food on my plate. They hardly ever forgot.

I was always the last one to leave the table. Always sitting there fighting off eating any more green beans. I would wait until no one is the room and I would put the food back into the serving dishes. I w ould go tell my mom I had finished, and sometimes she w ould come and check the trash can. I just thought I was so clever. I had perfected the art.

That chair sits in my room still today, and I haven't lain over in probably 6 or 7 years. I hadn't even thought about what I used to do till today. I was trying analyze why, but I think it's just something I did. No explanation. I didn't need one way back then, so I guess I don't now either.

I'm bi-polar.... for sure......

HAHA, it seems like every other post on here is me bitching about something then the next is a good mood. Sometimes I feel like every other statement that comes out of my mouth rotates like that.
Today is a good day, so far. I got t o sleep in! YAY! I was supposed to clean the nasty alcoholic type stench out of my car this morning... b/c someone (who will remain unnamed) accidentally shut my door w/ their nasty cisco drink sitting on the inside ledge of the door. My car is covered in red sticky stuff.... and it was filled w/ lots of junk in the first place. It looks like someone died in there!! HAHA... well, I'm being lazy as crap..... but I'm glad I got t o sleep in since I have to work 12:30-9 at Ukrop's then i have to go into VS and do the floorset for SAS. Rumor has it that we might be there until 4am..... So yeah, I was going to get up all early and go to the gymn and clean and make some food for the potluck tonight.... which of left me completely energized and all...... but no... I was lazy, what's new? HAHA, the gymn probably would of been packed out anyways since its the first monday of the year. All those ppl and their silly resolutions to be in shape this year! I didn't really make any resolutions this year. I find myself making resolutions every day..... so nothing new. I always let myself down! Eh, I think that soon I will be on top of my life... then I'll be all happy all the time and e verything. Well..... yeah..... time to go get ready for work.... yay for that