Wouldn't it be nice?

Wouldn't it be nice if you could say anything you wanted to someone and they didn't get mad or frustrated with you?
Wouldn't it be nice if you were the only one in the world that had a mouth to speak with, after all you are the only one with enough intelligence to be entitled to that?
Wouldn't it be nice if you could snap your fingers every time you wanted or though y ou might want anything.... and someone would appear and take care of it for you?
Wouldn't it be nice if all you had to do in a relationship is show up and you're loved and wanted and revolved around?
Wouldn't it be nice to be able to do anything you wanted whenever you wanted with no regards to what you promise other ppl... but yet they always follow through w/ what they say they might have the time to do?
WOULDN'T it be nice if you could control the entire fucking universe?

Yeah, mike.... I'm sure it would be NICE.. I'm sure you could handle all those things. I hate to break it to you, but you ARE the one with the "balls" in the relationship. So if you feel that something has to be doen, DO IT. You are so f ucking ridiculous sometimes. I can't stand all this whining about not being happy. It's fucking stupid. Don't sit around and whine about it. Move the fuck on. The only time I'm not content is when I have to listen to you WHINE every fucking day about me not being who you want me to be. GET OVER IT. Learn that if y ou want something done, you s hould ask if the person will do it.... Not ask WHY they haven't. Like I'm supposed to read your fucking mind. You know what would be nice, mike? To not have to l ive everyday feeling like I'm an insufficient person. The sole f acts that I'm 21 and haven't spent one day in college, my relationship w/ my parents sucks, I work 60-70 hours a w eek and am still broke, my relationship God sucks, and I h ave time for no one in my life (including myself).... make me feel like a failure.... thank y ou for adding something to the list. Thank you for making me feel worse a bout myself every day..... Thank you, mike.... now kindly just stop doing that? thanks... that would be cool

GRR, happy new year! I think most of my days in 2005 were spent with me feeling the s ame way I do right now. So fucking frustrated! I think I feel a bit better now though. HA

Supporting Slavery?

I'm feeling quite disturbed about the bag of hershey's in my room.

I was glancing at my magazine today where I came across an article that didn't have to do w/ animal advocacy, but human advocacy. (I'm halfway quoting this b/c I'm tired and lazy, and they dont' care if I do!) The vast majority of cocoa comes from small farms, mostly in financially poor areas of the global south, where children clear fields with machetes and apply dangerous pesticides. They have no idea what chocolate tastes like. Some of them are clearly enslaved. Some children work 80 to 100 hours a week, and an expose done by the British Brodacasting Company showed some of them with heavily scarred backs from beating with whips and switches. This documentary entitled "Slavery: a Global Investigation" aired five years ago. It reported that children were being bought from their parents in Mali Burkina Faso, and Togo for a nominal price then shipped to the Ivory Coast and sold to cocoa farms.

The plight of the children caught the attention of Senator Tom Harkin, a Democrat from Iowa, and Representative Eliot Engel, a Democrat from New York. In 2001, after reading shocking media reports Engel proposed a federal system to certify and label qualified cocoa products as slave-free. Mars, Hershey's, Nestle, and other majory chocolate manufactures would not qualify. Four years later, Harken and Engel admit that the plan to eliminate slavery has failed.

To see this article, visit Friends of Animals. And if don't want to support the slave industry, there are still some chocolate companies you can know aren't partaking. Fair Trade has put their stamp of approval on some small companies, such as, Chocolate Decadence and Paul Newman which are both sold at Ukrops.

Just Because

I'm so excited! I'm off for the next few days. Well, until tuesday, I think. Going to West Virginia again for the holidays. I'll finally get to see my dad side of the family since I got there too late to see them on Thanksgiving (thanksgiving... bad memories... trying to block them out). I'm pretty excited, but mostly overwhelmed. I've been so busy lately and I haven't had time to do half of the things I need to do. I have pretty much no clean clothing and our dryer is broke so I was going to go the laundry mat, but I don't think I have time now. Sooooo. yeah.
Hm, don't know if I'm exchanging gifts with mike or not tonight.... if so I need to go wrap his.
Well, I should run. Didn't really have time to be on here in the first place.

Merry Christmas!
and have a safe and happy holiday ;)

Just sitting here wondering why Mike has made no attempt to call me... :( I'm bored. I guess I should go get some rest. I'm starting Christmas shopping tommorow. Not that I'm off. I just work 12-6:30 though so that gives me some before and after t ime to do some shopping. don't know what I'm getting anyone.... suggestion would be great. Well, I think I'm gonna go watch tv w/ my sis and her hubby now. Yay! there in town.

Blaaaahhh....

So, I should post and tell all about this huge fight I had w/ my dad. I just don't feel like going into details. What it boils down to....
He exploded at me when I was leaving for my normal saturday night w/ mike. Something I've been doing for like.... almost a year, every weekend. He called me a whore. He told me I wasn't saved. He said that I use the house as a hotel. I never want to be around him or my mom. I don't speak to him. I'll tell everyone else things about me and not him. He asked me if I wanted to go speak to the pastor. He told me to leave and never come back. He wouldn't let me leave. After a half an hour... he finally let me go.
Don't think I d idn't have my hateful comments back. I told him I hated being around him... and so forth. Made him shut up for about a half a minute when I told him he was the only one that ever made me take a knife to myself.... a half a minute. Not much of a shocker. I thought it w ould be a big deal. He just told me I wans't saved. As if, someone who has a relationship w/ God can't be pushed to depression. If only they knew the horrible things I did when I w as younger. Thank God I'm stronger than that know. I left, thinking I wouldn't ever come back... but reality always sinks in. I d on't want to have to deprive myself of luxuries so that I can have my own place. I know I will sink myself into a hole I can't get out of. So here I am.... hoping that I can just avoid him... I know my mom doesn't hold grudges.... but he always bottles things up and explodes at me.... I can't wait till I push him for the next explosion...

Someone please stop the snow...

It's snowing outside... accumulating. Let's go build a snow man..... okay.... no, let's not b/c I hate the snow... haha.
Life has been moving on. Mike and I have talked. Spent most of the day yesterday sleeping with him. I always feel so content in his arms.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. Mike's dad yelling at us..... shoney's..... I felt like crap from the night before, but slept it off w/ mike. Called out of work. Went to evening church. Went out to eat w/ one of my new bestest friends. She's awesome. Her boyfriend came to eat w/ us.... but left to make some sort of scene. Nice to know that I'm not the only one that deals w/ public drama. Then we went back and I got to see these cute lil baby pups that they adopted to give to her sis for Christmas. It was a good day.
Actually, Saturday was a good night w/ Mike. Italian dinner .... quiet coffee shop... hole in the wall bar.... byrd theatre.... drunk boyfriend.... deep sleep.... "fun and games."
I'm pretty content right now.

Post 101

It's saturday night and I've worked 9-5 today. I always sleep at mike's on saturday nights.... not s ure if I should be putting clothes into my bag right now or not. I'm so at a loss of emotions with this. There comes some point where your brain just stops letting you open up to get hurt. I don't know if I'm even going to see mike tonight. He called me at work today so I suppose that means we will be meeting up soon. I told him I wanted to have a talk. I just hope what's really on my mind.... what's been in the back of my mind for so long.... will have a chance to be heard. I hope we don't end up hanging out w/ his friends or m y friends and then going home and passing out. All together, what I'm really hoping for is some change. Drastic isn't needed.... just change in general. Straightner should be heated up soon.... so I guess I'll go get ready for my night. I'm thinking tonight will be a good night, at least that's what I keep telling myself to believe. We shall see.