Stay Gone

I think... one day... I'll be able to say to myself, I am complete. Right now, all I do is question my worth. I mean, I'm going no where in my life... and although it's something I realize; I do not care. It's just like so inhuman of me. I used to be so deep. I put my heart into everything I did. Now I'm just an apathetic lil brick. All my passion has been drained, and the only way to get it back is to provoke me w/ the love of the one I lost. The one who needs to stay gone. The one I can't make do that... because I don't want him to.

Shit Life -- Dope

Ithink I'm finished w/ the catching up thing. I mean other shit happened.... but its an entirely new weekend and I"m so over that stuff now. Except scott... wont' ever be over him. I wake up everyone morning thinking about him. I seriously lay in my bed not being able to get up b/c I'm sitting there thinking about himn. I don't want to go on w/ my day b/c I have to face the reality of being alone. I just lay there till the last possible moment... then ten minutes before I'm supposed to be somewhere else I jump out of bed, take a five minute shower, and race out the door... this is what I do every morning. No exceptions.
yay for yesterday! okay, not so much. I was supposed to go to the beach. Me and my best friend headed up there in my lil car. Its like... a 2 hour drive (a little over an hour when I'm driving). She wants to go up to a mall that's "close to the beach." I didnt' really understand why at first... but I was like, okay, thats cool. So after we finally gt out of richmond... had tons of errands to run first... its like 12:30 and we are in the virginia beach area... or not really... but close. She tells me to get off the wrong exit and we are going like to downtown newport news.... the stupid mall was in downtown norfolk... so we have to turn around. She calls up her friend for directions and she tells us we have to go thru the tunnel then to go into downtown. Somehow we end up in downtown portsmouth and we are going thru another tunnel.... so then we get direction from a randomn guy... go back thru the damn tunnel... finally make it to these mall. It was a nice mall.. three story. Good stores. I spent too much money, like always; but the real reason were there... was, I should of guessed, b/c she like some guy that moved up to that area and worked at the mall. Yeah, okay.... so we finally decide to go back to the beach... and of course... its starts pouring down the rain and storming. I was going to get my belly button pierced at the beach.. was so excited; but we ended up going back home. Traffic was horrid... took us like 3 or 4 hours to get back. Stupid ppl can't drive. Then I was cranky from traffic and like... we were doing random stupid shit but I was cranky the whole time. I never got my belly button pierced waaaaaahhh... okay, enough w/ the whining.
I've been having binge eating relapses lately... I guess b/c I've been upset. I'm not really sure why, I've actually purged a few timems too; but it wasn't by choice. Last night I ate a whole lot... and today I'm trying really hard to stop mysyelf. I hate being like this.

a new day, a brigher outlook? nah

I still think about scott every day. OH, btw... I haven't heard the song that I have linked here (click on the title to view the lyrics), but I totally love the lyrics. I need to hear it... I HAVE TO. haha, I'm such a dork.
okay, back to "catching up." I left you off pissed off about scott being a dickhead for getting back w/that girl... or at least that's what he's attempting to do. So, I mean, I'm numb to this, right? It's painful and it makes me cry; but I'm becomming callous to heartache. My parents go out of town last thursday... I have to go to work early and then when I get off I go to king's dominion w/ my best friend and her little brother. I love her to death... and him, but argh, I was so frustrated that day. I love going to amusement parks for the thrills and the fun, not the whining. We go to the water park and have a blast, but after awhile it becomes boring even for little matthew. So we go into the amusement park part of the park and this boy... who is almost 13 years old won't ride any of the coasters. Is that baffling to you? I mean, when I was like 6 I was whining b/c I could only ride the kiddie coasters.... As soon as I bcame tall enough I was ridding everything! I mean, what is wrong w/ this kid? So yeah, I get frustrated but I still go along w/ the lil whiny boy and do what he wants. So we ride one water ride and after we are wet we d ecide to go ahead and ride the log flume... ooooo the log flumme? lol, who is scared of that? you can ride it as an infant. Stupid boy is scared. We're going up the last hill and I start screaming and talking to the operator on top that I want off.. just joking b/c I thought it was hillarious. Apparantly it wasn't. Apparantly I was being a bitch and making fun of the little baby. ARGH.... I thought that was so stupid. STUPID STUPID STUPID. That's how I feel about it. Anyways, I just had to get that out... not too interesting but I got it out. Um, Friday I worked in the morning again... hardly got any sleep that nigth just b/c I was all sad about scott and I don't know... I stayed online pretty late and then had to be at work at 7:30. When I got off I did random shit like bought my dad a father's day president.. went grocery shopping... out to eat w/ some friends.. etc. Then I went and rented some mmovies for me and allen to watch that night. Gothika, 50 first dates, and the italian job. He cam over around 11:30 and like... I don't know... he was really being all that f lirty... I drank some of the jack daniel's he brough over... but he didn't. I was like whatever... we watched twoish movies.. talked some. not much... he asked to kiss me and I told him no... haha. I mean, he's still w/ his gf and I wasn't really feeling that attracted to him at all at that mmoment. So like, at 4 I told him that I was going to go to bed since we were leaving for the beach at 7. He decided to go home instead of spending the night here... which I thought was odd since it was so late... but I was just like okay.... said bye or whatever. So then I clean up the house some b/c my parents were coming home saturday. I never actualy went to sleep. I got online for a while.... cleaned and packed and then itwas like 5:30. I took an hour nap and then got up and g ot ready for the beach. ALlen calls me at like 7:15ish and tells me he can't go to the beach b/c his parents got in this big fight and stuff. So it ends up being me, my best friend, her boyfriend, and two other guys in our cool lil expedition... it was sweet! Okay, let me rephrase... huge expedition. Um, we get there... having a blast... we met up w/ two other guys and its just like a great timem w/ all these guys me and jennifer. I love not being around a bunch of self conscious whiny girls. OOOOOHHHH, back it up, let me tell you what happened w/ jennifer. Okay, so like, she didn't have her bathing suit on yet so we stop at a rest stop so she can put it on. She has a gorgeous bathing suit... it cost her $100, so I would hope so, but i notice this problem when we get back in the car. Her like padding was showing really really bad. I couldn't tell her b/c I was sitting in the back and she was driving a nd I didn't wanna come off bitchy and embarass the fuck out of her. So when we get to the beach, I come up to her and ask her if she could take the padding out b/c it was showing a bit. I mean, come on, that's embarrassing. Who wouldn't want to be told that. I guess she was acting out defensive b/c she got really bitchy at me... kept readjusting me and asking me if was showing. Knowing that we were going to be like, running around, in the water, tackling each other... I tell her yeah, its okay for now. And then she keeps asking me over and over.... ARGH... anyways, so we get out on the beach and we start playing volleyball. I look over at her, and half the fake boob is sticking out.... So I run past her to get the ball and try to tell her discreetly to look down... so finally she takes the stupid things out. I mean, I understand why she didn't wnat to... b/c the bathing suit was going to be a lil big on her when she did. But looking from a guy's perspective... to see a girl w/ padding in her top is like... wow, she must be insecure... why does she want to false advertise? IT's not like that for us though... its just like, if you have a thin bathing suit on, you're going to have headlights showing when yo uget cold (which I did... oh well) and w/ the padding you look slightly bigger... but its still your boobs. Anyways, that was just drama of the morning.... she apologized later. I'm tired of typing and you're probably tired of reading... so I"m going to continue this once again... later.

a little bit of catching up

*sigh* I've been having some shitty days lately.... some good, a lot of shitty. Okay, I don't think I've told you anything since before my sister's wedding so I'll try to recap... this might take more than one day to do.
Okay, so the actual night of my sisters wedding (june 5th), I get a text message from scott. He's really upset and all like saying he needs to talk. I'm a softie so, even though it was like 1 am and I hadn't gotten any sleep for the past two days (my sis wedding was very stressful/time consuming), we talk on the phone. since I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate the details of it all being online... I'll make it short and sweet. He was forced to not be able to talk or see his ex. He was very upset and I talked to him for a long while. I can't stand to see him so sad and frustrated. We talked a lot. Like every day for a long time. After a while, I asked him why he had picked me to come to about all this... and he said, well, isn't it obviou? I still love you. We start telling each other I love you and such and I started feeling really close to him. He seemed to be dealing pretty well w/ the whole ex thing and I thought we were getting somewhere. He was still kinda sad all the time and I knew there was one thing I could do that would definitely cheer him up since conversation wasn't working: phone sex. We had some fun. it was great. OKay, so you know I said this is shit so you're just waiting for the downfall right? oh well, gonna have to wait a bit.
Let's introduce a new character. His name is Allen. We went to school together. He was a year older than me, but we still had some classes together. Apparantly, he's had a crush on me since 10th grade (2000). I guess, when I was in highschool I thought I was too good for all the guys at my school. That and I was dating scott for the latter part. I dont' remember dating a single guy. I can remember rejecting a whole lot of nice guys... hot guys... but I don't think I ever dated at all. In my eyes, boys equal complications and pain.... and why did I need more of that in my life? Anyways, this allen guy, last summer told me about how he's liked mem forever and never could ask me out b/c I was dating somemone online and everything. We hang out a lot the last week before he goes back to college in pensacola. He had a girlfriend down there and I told him that I will never be the "girl that a guy cheats on his gf with." To me, that is like the most horrid and disgusting title anyone could ever earn. Anyways, this summer he's been kinda flirting w/ me and stuff... and then last sunday I was telling how my parents were going out of town. Just joking, I asked him if he wanted to come over and ahve drinks... he's all like yeah yeah.... and so I was like, fine, that would be cool. This was all taking place during church, so I asked him if he wanted to go outt o lunch. We go out... spend like a long timem driving around and talking and everything. We kinda got on the subject of sex. Me being totally innocent and him having some experience. We talked about what he had done.. being mostly oral sex... and then he starts asking me if I would like to do that w/ him blah blah... and I couldn't lie and say, no, I don't... so I say, yeah, maybe. Totally getting his hopes up, I suppose I'm a bitch like that. The truth is, I would like to do those things.... w/ a certain person. I'm just not into any other guys. Anyways, I call scott after this and kinda tell him about it. He's kinda pissed. I was just trying to be honest w/ him. I love him so much... I regret telling him. I think that is pretty much the reason shit happened. That night I call him and we start talking about things and he has me try something new on the phone and I guess I wans't really into it... into it yet, anyways... which aggravated him. Then we just start arguing...pretty much the first argument we had had since we started talking again that was like... the kind where you get all annoyed at each other. He then states that he just wants to g o.... he always bails out in the middle of arguments. He wouldn't tell me he loved me. He ended up hanging up on me b/c I wouldn't say goodnight... I was being bitchfully stubborn. Then after that, he was either busy or didn't feel like talking... or not there... whenever I called. I catch him online one night.. and I try to talk to him, but he doesn't respond. So since I'm annoyed, I start searching the chat rooms he normally chats in.... and I notice that his ex is online (she wasn't able to for a while b/c of the "situation"). ANyways, I start talking to her about shit and everything and like being totally nice even though we were both jealous of each other. I call scott and leave him a message on callwave that I had talked to his ex and he needed to get offline so we could talk about what I had said to her, since he stillwasn't able to talk to her. I was so mad... I called a million timems but he wouldn't get off. So yeah, a few days pass... me trying to contact him every day and not being able to... then I ask him a few days ago online if he's getting back w/ jess his reply "things weren't going to work out between us steff, and you know it" ARGH! I had fucking faith in us. NO, he has to get back w/ his ex. He always does this to me..... fucks me over.... sigh... I'm frustrated and I need to gt offline.... I'll post some of the more happy stuff tommorow or sometime. I promimse there are some good things. good-night

I'm sick of ppl thinking they can undrestand me (Precious Illusions)

A friend of a little-more-than-a-friend of mine (let's call him Bob) came to me yesterday with concern. Apparantly Bob had expresed to her that he was worried about me. She wouldn't come right and say it, but finally she was talking openly about it. Bob had told her that I starve myself. What do you say to that? I tell her, "No, I don't." And she keeps pushing it. I start to explain how I've been stressed lately and food stresses me out more. I would have told her and explained to her that I've had both anorexia and compulsive over eating disorder, and I simply do not trust my appetite. It's stressful to sit and decide what to to eat, how much to eat, when to eat, how fast to eat... it's so hard to do that when you know either one whether it be to either extreme, could lead to a relapse. I was going to explain that's why I haven't been eating lately, but I didn't get the chance. I was going to tell her what I've been stressed about: sis's wedding, job, Scott... the fact that I'm almost in debt. I didn't get a chance to talk about those either. It was like she was saying, "honey, you just need to eat. People don't deserve to have to worry about you." Its not that fucking simple. It's like this : don't fucking worry about me then. I understand food sustains life. I'm not stupid enough to starve myself to death. By the way, why didn't Bob come to me about this? What am I supposed to think of him now?

aw, its a mom, sis, and sis moment