He thinks that is just okay to call m e randomly a couple of times a year. What for? I'm not exactly sure. He must think that once he hangs up on me that I turn to sobs. I'm not weak like that anymore. Of course, I have an inkling that he does it because he wants to know that I'm okay. It's always t he same conversation. He's vague about everything going on in his life. This time he told a bit more than last.... he's still in alaska but planning on moving to t he "east coast" sometime soon. No paticular region or state.... all he felt comfortable s aying was the east coast. Whatever. He always wants to know if I'm okay.... if I'm still w/ Mike.... if I'm pregnant. Then he says something condescending about me. Like this t ime he said that I wouldn't make a fit mother so it's a good thing. Whatever. I pretty m uch had the same responses... same questions as always. Whatever. I suppose this will go on until I change my number.. or actually, he might just call my parents and bribe them into giving him my number. So I'm pretty much just feelinglike s aying.... whatever to it all.

"House of Sins"

A legacy to the online community of "ana" and "mia," house of sins is no longer a informative site; it is now a live journal. Of course, I hadn't been there in ages.... the site went down like two years ago. I missed it then.... but soon got over it. Eh, no one knows what I'm talking about. I was just surfing the web.... came across a link to the page. I was reading about these girls struggles... and it brought me back to when I used to be like that. People don't understand that its not always for attention. Somedays all I wanted to do was be alone. Absolutely alone. I would scream at my family members if they as so m uch knocked on my door. Here's one of the posts:

user: fuckedupandfat
I suck. I'm not getting out of bed today. I ate loads all night, and didn't purge. This morning i am still empty inside as always. It is always a futile attempt to fill some big hole that exists for reasons i cant explain. I am supposed to be playing rugby right now but i feel so fat, ugly and disgusting that i dont want any one to see me. I know i am letting the team down but i just want to dissapear.If only people knew how lonely my life has been and how numb i've been so alone. Bulimia feels like home to me. Life is so muted with an eating disorder but i guess that's the point. i'm scared to give it up, it might hurt more with out it.
*sigh*
xxxxxxxxx


Current Mood: depressed

The Controversy of the Century

I feel like addressing something I would never really want to because I got over it when I was in around 7th grade. Let me preface by saying that I am a Baptist, and a republican... a conservative. I believe the Bible in it's entirety, but I will be t he first to admit, regretfully, sometimes my actions do not match my beliefs.
So much talk about gays. Normally I take the approach of the subject as.... I DON'T CARE, next subject please. Honestly, I don't care. Somedays I feel like we are making martyrs out of anyone that dramatically stands up to say that they are attracted to the opposite sex.
I mean, it's like suddenly, after decades of people stepping out of the closent, the gay/lesbian haters have gotten a hold of generation X. We really are supposed to be accepting of this. I never imagined from my own peers I would hear people talking about same sex relationships in disgust.
No I don't "believe" in it, but I'm not going to shove that (among many) of my beliefs down someone else's throat.
I love my friends no matter who they have chosen to spend their life and relationships with. I support them as much as I would support a friend who needed a friend's hand to hold while she signs papers for an abortion. I know, personally, I'm against it... but it's not my body and its not my choice.
Maybe this is why I'm not into politics. Letting other people's passion for a subject affect the way we think and react to that subject just seems wrong.
On a lighter note, the most beautiful creature God created was the woman. I almost come to the point of obssessing over how deep a woman can be. Just the strength... the unsurpassable ability to desire.... I could go on... :) Anyways, how could combining two females possibly be grotesque. Men, on the hand, are just pigs; so they deserve each other.
So I'll end with the thought I've had since I was 12. I don't care if you are bisexual, homosexual, hetereosexual, or just nonsexual. I'll accept you for you who you are, because you deserve at least that much from everyone.

"I know I'm Not Pretty"

The lack of confidence some people possess saddens me greatly. I've never met a truly ugly person. I've met some that had a defect or acted ugly, but I would never think to myself.... that person is ugly. I might think condescending things.... they're fat.... they have bad acne... etc., but never have I thought or muttered something so horrible.
Today, I was working at VS; and a women came in w/ a return. She walked through door and I smiled and said hello, but my manager struck up a conversation with her and I continued the work I was doing. When you first open your gate in the morning, the last thing you want is a negative sale. So maybe I looked annoyed.... I don't know. Anyways, this lady is a regular at my other job. She claims she comes in and buys flowers from me everyday..... but um, not everday. Maybe like every other week. She annoys me slightly. While I was helping another client, my manager and her have this conversation:
"That girl over there works at Ukrop's, doesn't she? She acted like she didn't know me, and I buy flowers from her every day."
"yes ma'am she does. I thought I saw her say hello to you."
"Well, I know I'm not pretty, but neither is she. She should look in the mirror."
"Well, ma'am I think that was a little uncalled for."
I'm not quite sure how she got onto that track, but when courtney was telling me about it, I just thought about how sad it is that someone could even begin to start a sentence off with "I know I'm not pretty" much less end it the way she did. It made me just a little more thankful of my own confidence and the person that I have become.