I think if i am to develop a new habit, it should be something that is actually fun. Not being able to swallow my food could result fro this and its so gross! Okay, I'll stop being so vague...
After my shower, I laid down in my bed getting ready to attempt to get all the tangles out of my hair. I look over to my dresser for my brush. There sits a little box... a Christmas present I wish I had thrown away. Inside this box are the most sinful little chocolates. Thank goodness it was just a sampler. I take a small bite of one... I saver it... chewing slowly... but I can't eat i! I spit it out. Then realizing how satifing the taste was, I take another bite. Thirty minutes later I'm indulging in the last piece. It took me so long b/c in between each small bite, I spit again and again.. and then when I thought it was alll gone... I'd scrape my tongue w/ my teeth. just in case some caramel or coconot had some how imbedded itself and clinged on. Then I'd gag myself until I was sure none of it had accidentlally slipped down. This long process caused me to want to take even longer enjoying the wonderful taste of each bite.
Chewing and spitting is such a decitful habit. I worked so hard! It' not fair that I still consumed calories through my cheeks! I don't really understand how this can be considered an ed... How harmful can that be? Well they say it is.. Maybe I'll do some research. This was my second time today (earlier it was a roll).
Maybe tommorow I will be okay. I really don't want a new habit.

So its Christmas 2003 One week until 2004. I was trying to kind of reminisce over the last year. so I got out my schedule planner for the past year I always end up putting stupid comments in it like "day scott leaves for miami and you never get to talk to him again." I can't believe that one year ago we were still together. It seems lik we've been broken up.... or rather that I've been lonely for so much longer than that. I guess that is what happens when you try to have a long-distance relationship with someone you have never met... oh the drama. You know what's weird? Less than three weeks after we officially broke up (which actually came as a surprise b/c we hadn't talked for around 2weeks) I wwas already out there dating. Trying to fill the void. I still haven't. The closer a guy tory to get to me.. the bitching I get. Anyways, back to my year...
Jan-July are a blurr. I suppose I was happy in love. Or maybe I"m trying to forger how weak I was. I couldn't ask my dad... or tell him... thatI wanted to go see scott. It was constantly on my mind. THe failed attemptsare definitely uncountable. We grew farter apart b/c he couldn't understand my fear. He had a right to be upset though.... and I totally understand. I tried to stop being such a hermit and actually went out w/ my friends on more than a monthly basis... I even ventured to take my car, jen, and joey to the beach. That was fun. Soon after scott left to go see his sister and didn't get back till after I went on vacation w/ my family. When I got back, He still wasn't home... and the first time we talked... he broke up w/ me (july 4th)
So here are the guys that followed:
bank guy that dad didn't approve of b/c he was black - 2 dates
then there was that old friend that goes to school out of town and had a gf - 3 "hanging out" dates haha
umm then ther weas that fat guy who my friend set me up w/ - I think 3 dates?
now.. well now there this guy that my best friend is trying to set me up w/. We've hung out for the past three or four weekends. He has a bad rep for being a palayer... but so far he's only ben a gentenleman w/ me. I'm so sick of guys that try to take advantage of me... but I don't really care if I'm in a relationship or not. I mostly date to keep my friends happy. I need to work on my own self image.. in more ways than one

Okay, today has been very blah.
I woke up late... I've really been doing good on my restrictive dieting. Green tea and coffee... and one meal a day.... but that all ended today. I prolly gained 5 pounds today. We had this christmas party at work and all the food was vegetarian... and it looked so good... I just couldn't stop myself. I had around four platefuls... then I come home and eat... of all things... the potatoes sitting on the stove and some cookies.
Enough about food and my binge eating... how is life? Hmmm, its okay. I've been working and hanging out. I think my best friend is trying to set me up w/ this guy. We've been out on like a "double" date a few times. I'm just so not into the dating scene right now. I mean, guys and relationships only complicate your life and I'm not ready for that. Yeah, it would be nice to have someone; but I can't seem to get over have a certain someone. I miss him so much. I just wish he could forgive me for the past... and I could forgive him... and totally erase all the bad times from both our memories. since thats not quite possible. oh well, for now I'll just enjoy this period in my life to find myself...

Work sucks. I feel like I live my life at work. I haven't started to even think about what I'm going to get people for christmas and have tons of shopping to have done by this weekend. Its going to hit me at some point and I'm gonna start freaking out. I'm a horrible gift shopper. I always worry about if they will like it or not... and it takes me forever to decide.
I feel so empty. So why am I so huge? My lack of self-control in the past disgusts me. Its going to take forever to get all this off. I deserve to have to starve... It took a lot to go from bones to a well-padded fattie.. it took years. Oh, I really hope that it doesn't take that long for me to get it off. I was only a child then... now I have to fight off all these "womanly" curves. What is womanly about a huge ass and fat rolls? I want to be to touch my toes and still nothing rolling over. I'm going to FORCE my hips to shrink. I don't care what it taks to get there. I'm going to be a size 3 again... or smaller. I want to have to buy my clothes from the children's sectoin. I'm doing this for myself. Who cares what any guy or friend thinks of me.. I lost my love. No one's opinion of me matters anymore. This isn't what you think. I AM NOT anorexic.. but I do wish I could be. I just lack damn will-power. I need to buy some celery and actually only eat that.. until ppl get suspicious. Just eat it in front of people. Oh hell, everyone knows I don't have enough will power to go back to ana. I'm going to prove them wrong, but they don't need to know. Everyone can see I need to lose weight anyways. I'm sure the are talking about me behind my back. If I were them, I would probably do the same. I'll let the scales become my friend. They won't lie. I don't have to worry about them trying to word things in a way to not hurt my feelings. I need incentive and I will use them for it. I'm going to get this routine down... down to perfect. If i get off track again... I'll end up hating myself. There are things in my closent I am determined to wear again. I just ned to give myself time. I can and will do it
I feel a lot better now.
good-night

yeah, I would be posting more... but this site is constantly down.
I feel horrible today.

well, I haven't posted for over a week... but there really isn't anything new in my life. Scott went thru this like three day period of flirting w/ me. One of those things he must realize he has to do every now and then to keep me holding on to a string of hope. Oh well, I know that its stupid of me... but I can't help myself.
Ithink I'm going to go throw up the pasta I just ate now...

~sigh~ This day seems so useless. I succeeded in what... sitting on my ass.. getting in an argument scott... being at church for 3 hours... hm, yeah, I prolly was only paying attention 25% of that time.
On a happier note, I love the new pink cd! Hehe, I"m listening to it right now. Its great, I haven't gotten to listen to the whole thing yet, but yeah, I'm sure I'm gonna like all of it. Today I've had a caesar salad and a biscuit. I feel really fat though. I wish that I could start over.... skip that stupid period of my life where I ate so much. I want a new body... I would do it right this time. Oh well, thats what life is about, isn't it. Decisions and consequences... guess I"m just gonna have to deal with it.

Church was boring and now I"m arguing w/ my ex... ain't life grand? I gained a half pound yesterday.... and all I ate was french fries... I guess I'm just doomed to be fat.
argh, why do I always tell scott (my ex) all my emotions and everything on my mind.... he fucking laughed at me. He never tells me anything. I feel so desperate right now.... I feel so stupid.

Ack, I'm up way too early. Hehe, my new habit is to take nyquill at night. When it wears off, I'mm like wide awake. This is probably going to become a very bad habit.... and an expensive one. :| Oh well, I'm sick right now so I can take them until I get over this.
Yesterday was a good day. I only had green tea until I went out to eat w/ my friends around 9:30. I just ordered a basket of french fries at applebee's. I probably ate too many, but I guess thats okay since its the only thing I had all day.... well, that green tea and coffee. I haven't weighed in yet.... but when I do I'll decide if I can eat today or not. Blah, Its hard finding ways to avoid that "sunday family togetherness meal".... maybe i can get by w/ just getting a salad.
I'm so excited about mmy trip to Florida! I just have to work tommorow and then tuesday. Then its off to Pensacola for 5 days. I'm not going to enjoy the traveling.... but it will be worth it for for five straight days off work.
I think I'm gonna work on my lame ass webpage now.... yeah, the one I've spent like a total of five minutes on. I'm gonna have to go get ready for church soon though.

When I was walking outside yesterday, I saw my shadow... this distorted view of me. For some reason, the way I was standing in the sun, my arms looked stick thin. It looked right. I just wish I could be that thin. OKay, its not if I could... because I AM capable of it. I'm going to get thinner. I'm so fat now. I want to be able to touch my middle finger and thumb around my upper arm. I want to fit back into those clothes in my closent that I often question why I keep. I want so much, but I hardly work for it.
No food today.
I'm going to ignore the growling... I'm going to go out during supper time. I'm going to drink green tea on my break at work. I can do it.... I just have to remember.... for every indulgence of my past, there must be a lack of indulgence in the future. I'm never going to lose enough weight if I keep on eating when I say I'm not going to. We'll see what happens...

My Enemy

Okay, so... I'm starting this blog. It's posted nowhere... maybe I'll put it on one of my profiles or something. I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't think I care if anyone ever reads it though. It's just a place where I can sit down and write out my thoughts. Writing in a notebook doesn't seem to do anything for me anymore. It seems so limited. Like, I'm talking to someone who doesn't exist. Now I'm talking to a computer.... hm, yeah, that doesn't really make me feel much better. Maybe someday someone will be bored out of their mind and read this. Maybe not.
Today, I'm so bored. I have a bunch of crap I need to get done.... but I just don't feel motivated. My best friend is supposed to come over later and help me dye my hair... wahoo. Okay, yeah, I'm not all that excited about it. I feel so dull and ugly. I can't wait to go to Pensacola.... even if it is going to be w/ my parents. I mean, its going to be fun. At least I won't have to work for 5 days, and I get to see my sis. That will be cool. ~sigh~
I feel like I'm constantly striving for perfection of some sort. There has to be something mentally disturbing about setting unattainable goals.... or maybe they are only unattainable b/c I make them that way. I just need to lose 20 pounds, find a more respectable job, and oh yeah... get my ex whom I've-never-met-in-person-yet-always-argue-w/ back.
Alright, here's some stupid ass random poet I'm writing... that hardly rhymes, has no rhythm, and pretty much sucks... I know I know... I'm great at intro's haha... I should go on a tour w/ someone.

My enemy

When I look in the mirror, I hate who I see.
When I don't look in the mirror, I forget who I be.
It's like in this horrid battle I hide,
And I'm the only person on my side.
With every move I make... I remember my enemy's better counter action with which I've dealt.
I'm alone... this deep emotion is emptier than I have ever felt.
Every aspect of my life is a struggle.
I feel like I fell into a deep pool because of a shuffle.
I've forgotten how to swim,
So I fight to win.
I tred the water and see the light,
Putting up a good survival fight.
Going nowhere, but my destiny.
My life exists soley for others... my enemy.
I feel incredibly empty.
I want to be more empty.
Any good thoughts or feelings are chased away.
Why do I whine about being alone all day,
But then bitch to have my solitude?
Why do I eat when emptiness is crushed by food?
Why do I live if only for the sustenance of my enemy?
Reality... Reality will always be my enemy.

Lamentations

Lamentations 4:8-10
Their visage is blacker than a coal; they are not known in the streets: their skin cleaveth to their bones, it is withered, it is become like a stick.
They that be slain w/ the sword are better than they that be slain w/ hunger: for these pine away, stricken through for want of the fruits of the field.
The hands of the pitiful women have sodden their own children: they were their meat in the destruction of the daughters of my people.