Unrequited Seduction

Standing in front of a crowd of a thousand,
My body convulses and my mind turns blank.
Trying to forget how my soul has been damned,
How I've been demoted to the lowest rank.
My mouth try to utter an apology,
While all the piercing eyes shout their disbelief.
They make feel I deserve this agony.
Regret settles in. There will be no relief.

Shaking fists, mutterance of "crucify her,"
Vagueness, terror, suffering, embarrassment.
My mother, how could I defy her?
My father, why all the harassment?
That's what it all comes down to: social status.
How could this offspring of theirs be so horrid,
How could this young daughter have so much malice?
Sweat bands feel as if they're piercing my forehead.

I'm damn sick of being a people pleaser.
Its not something in my bones, body, or belief.
I love to be free, to be a men teaser,
To be myself is an ever sweet relief.
Now I stand for all th fucking crowd to see.
Not bodly, not energetic, but naked,
See my imperfections, my indecency.
See my temper, the reason I am hated.

This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
I'm ready for all of your criticism.
This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
Try to settle down, contain your orgasm.

Really, this is my stage to you.
You'll never be up here with me.
I'll never long to be with you.
Understand, you can't change me.

I'm the opposite of a people pleaser.
-- I am lonely --
Stubborness will keep me forever up here.
Lack of interest will keep the crowd down there.

Isn't it great to be wanted?

So, I"m thinking. In honor of memorial day weekend, I"mgoing to go out w/ a army boy... but there's a long story behind it... so let me give you the semi-edited version.
There was this guy my senior year of highschool who totally came out of his timid shell, and became loud, obnoxious, and obssessed w/ me. Its like he knew I wouldn't go out w/ him so he made it a point to harrass me on an hourly basis. I went to a small Christian school, and all my classmates took all the same classes. So every day, every hour of school this guy was constantly making lude comments toward me and "flirting" in his odd little way. Of course, I became annoyed and it was an understood on-going joke that all my schoolmates and teachers knew about. Since I was a smartass, none of the teachers really took my side. It was like the boy who called wolf. This isn't a pity story though... it was all funny, just slightly annoying; but you have to something to make the school day interesting. Okay, so this guy... he's now in the army and he for some reason is actually hot. Tan, muscular... you know, the works. HAHA... since I've always been a bitch to him, I don't have to worry about him getting mad and leaving when I am bitch.... so tonight he's taking me out to dinner. He's going back to afghanistan or somewhere in 4 days, so its all good. Maybe i'll post a pic on here of him if I can snap one tonight. Wahoo. I know I'll have fun b/c he knows he can't get anywhere w/ me. I guess this makes me even more bitchy though... going outw/ a guy for a free dinner and a confidence boost... but what girl hasn't done that?

Today was an interesting day... I had to get up really early and travel to a friend's of my sister's weddings. It wasn't horrid... jut all boring. Everthing about today was boring. 4 hours in a car. Two/three hours of boredom in a church/reception hall... then back to 4 hours in a car. wahoo! I'm all crampy and cranky... its great

some days I can think of nothing else...

Some days I can think of nothing else but how much I want to be with scott. Some days all I can think about is what we had... what more we could of had. I have to remind myself that he is with someone else now. She is about to move in with him, so I should be over him. July 4th will be a year since we broke up. Is it sad that I"m still not over him? Does love ever give up? I don't think I'll ever have the answer to that question. Every day proves that it can push me longer...

Just trying out this new feature.... pic of me everyone has seen.... 

"THE WOMAN LINGER at the waters edge... This is an image of bounty, a view of female physicality in which a woman's hungers are both celebrated and undifferentiated, as though all her appetites are of a piece, the physical and the emotional entwined and given equal weight. Food is love on this landscape, and love is sex, and sex is connection, and connection is food; appetites exist in a full circle, or in a sonata where eating and touching and making and feeling close are all distinct chords that nonetheless meld withand complement one another."

-- exert from the prologue of Appetites : Why Woman Want by Caroline Knapp

I finally was able to find and pick up this book at Barnes And Noble. It's awesome! Definitely recommend it. I haven't even read much yet... its great though. :)