the recreation of this woman...

I'm ready for change and motivation. I've gotten a new mindset in thought that I would share, but fear I'll fail to meet the expectations I've set ahead and couldn't deal with the embarrassment of that. It will involve, for sure: less greed. Less food, less drinking, less attention, less men, less laziness, less fear of myself... more God, more exercise, more motivation, more alone time, more happiness, more accomplishments, more money, and more pride. I think that list seems long, but they all go hand in hand with this new mindset. As in less fear of myself will lead to more alone time, which I really do need. I don't consider those things which I'm lessening all that horrible, or something that I couldn't go back to after I've developed (reverted back, really) into the strong, independent woman I once admired. I'm not quite sure what happened to her, but I'm confident that she still exists within me. I just can't handle how I've been acting lately. My lifestyle is making me someone I'm not. I have a list of goals and they will become my new life. I'm probably going to seem extremely unsocial, but I need this for me. It isn't about anyone else. An overwhelming loneliness is the only thing that kick me back into gear.

And then maybe I can start to welcome in (but never search for) a man who can handle me. Someone that is a stronger leader in faith and in love. After this, maybe I could be with a man who God actually wants me to be joined.

Not one who has stronger religious views... but different because that did not work. Not one who has higher ambitions because that was so fake and did not work. Not one who seems to be so perfect, but underneath it all was so wrong... so childish and did not work. All three of those "loves" of my life I had to eventually let go and dismiss, and I don't plan on wasting that kind of time on another man (or boy) again.

Reposted thoughts

Unrequited Seduction
Standing in front of a crowd of a thousand,
My body convulses and my mind turns blank.
Trying to forget how my soul has been damned,
How I've been demoted to the lowest rank.

My mouth trys to utter an apology,
While all the piercing eyes shout their disbelief.
They make feel I deserve this agony.
Regret settles in. There will be no relief.

Shaking fists, mutterance of "crucify her,"
Vagueness, terror, suffering, embarrassment.
My mother, how could I defy her?
My father, why all the harassment?

That's what it all comes down to: social status.
How could this offspring of theirs be so horrid,
How could this young daughter have so much malice?
Sweat bands feel as if they're piercing my forehead.

I'm damn sick of being a people pleaser.
Its not something in my bones, body, or belief.
I love to be free, to be a men teaser,
To be myself is an ever sweet relief.

Now I stand for all th fucking crowd to see.
Not bodly, not energetic, but naked,
See my imperfections, my indecency.
See my temper, the reason I am hated.

This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
I'm ready for all of your criticism.
This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
Try to settle down, contain your orgasm.

Really, this is my stage to you.
You'll never be up here with me.
I'll never long to be with you.
Understand, you can't change me.

I'm the opposite of a people pleaser.
-- I am lonely --
Stubborness will keep me forever up here.
Lack of interest will keep the crowd down there.

I'm not sure if I'm ever going to find someone that can make me overcome this... I wrote it in '04....