I've found peace of mind;
I'm feeling good a gain.
I'm on the other side,
Back among the living,
Ain't a cloud in the sky,
All my tears have been cried;
And I can finally say,
Baby, baby stay,
Stay right where you are.
I like this way;
It's good for my heart.
I haven't felt like this,
In God knows how long,
I know everything's gonna be okay,
If you just stay gone.
I still love you,
And I will forever.
We can't hide the truth,
We know each other better.
When we try to make it work,
We both end up hurt;
And it ain't supposed to be that way.
So baby, baby stay,
Stay right where you are.
I like it this way;
It's good for my heart.
I haven't felt like this,
In God knows how long,
I know everything's gonna be alright,
If you just stay gone.
19.7.06
2.7.06
With All Morality Lacking (I didn't mean for this to be so long)
I don't know how many times in the past 4 or 5 years I have adamantly claimed I could never be that girl that a guy cheats on his woman with. NEVER.
And although a kiss is not cheating per say, I feel like a horrible piece of blah right now. Just spent a drive home in tears. I could blame the tequila, afterall, anyone that drinks w/ me knows better than to slip tequila into my drinks. It might be funny at first... but it's very hard to calm me down; and I get very... VERY fucked up.
I could blame the guy, afterall it was his commitment and his marriage, not mine. I mean why should I be bound to the rules of a decision I didn't even make?
I could just plain blame the situation... the fact that people around me were setting me up for it. Acting like it was their entertainment of the night.
I could just make up reasons why it happened. They might make me feel better; and, even better, they might make you feel better about what I did.
I just can't do that though. I was in the wrong. I will start the story from the beginning
I have this great friend who invites me over to her house normally on the weekends. There is normally alcohol and a whole lot of fun involved. She's crazy... so is her fiance and her friends that chill there are just great. I guess it was two weeks ago? I'm not sure. I got completely plastered with her. If you know anything about me being plastered lately, you will know that the two of us then started to make out. Just b/c that's how I've become!! HAHA. There are generally a group of people over there... sometimes a lot, sometimes just a few. When everyone had left, it was just me, my friend, her fiance, a lady that lives with them, two random quiet guys, and this hot married guy. Now I knew that he was married b/c we had talked about this before, about him not being happy with his recent civil bonding. I was supposed to go out that night, but deciding to stay in with them and just have fun. There were shots of everything being handed to me. Everclear, tequila, rum, vodka, wild turkey, umm... well, anything and everything that was handed to me. We played music... I danced... b/c I love to dance. People joined... the married guy joined. We had fun. I definitely remember kissing him. I remember throwing my guts up. I was told in the morning that we "made out," but I'm quite sure there wasn't more than a few innocent kisses. I thought it was funny, told myself never to do it again, and went on with things. The people there weren't going to tell his wife. No big deal.
So last night... last night I came over so we could watch fireworks (so the cops would come for like the third weekend in a row)... there was a nice crowd of people drinking, as usual. His wife was there... she didn't' seem to social, but whatever. I don't think I met her. I was having fun, planning on going out later. I had a margarita made with rum, so that I wouldn't get all messed up... but then when a different person made the second one it had tequila in it. yeah... gotta love me when I have tequila in me. I talked to that guy for a while. He has this look in his eyes that draws me. It's like he's not afraid to look at me straight on and lock eyes. I don't know why I'm so attracted to him. Maybe it boils down to the everfamous wanting what you can't have syndrome. I've seemed to be familiar with that lately. Wanting guys that aren't even freaking here!! Not just an hour away... but states away... why? Anyways, back to the story, I started acting probably sluttish. Apparantly guys were taking titty shots off of me(not there is anything to take a shot off of, ha)... I was just being social... at some point his wife left. I made out with some other guy that's girlfriend had just left. Not really sure HOW that happened. Anyways, I went over and talked to him and he was pulling me close. I knew people were watching. I pulled him aside and told him that we needed to not act like this. People were there that would tell his wife, and we shouldn't be acting like this regardless. That didn't seem to matter. I asked him if they would tell, and he said he trusted them. At some point we end up making out on the couch. I take full responsibility. I was allowing all of this... to be made a spectacle. I just smiled and enjoyed myself throughout the night... It's wrong of me to be such an attention whore. One of his guy friends came over to talk to him, but got pissed when he got close and yanked him away. They started into it for a bit. Of course, they were cool guys. I would hope if I were him, that I would have friends like that. They just kept saying "i love you man" and he left. So here I am, sitting there, people pissed... and they don't want me to leave making awkward random conversation. I walk outside and people are still just kinda being cool w/ me... saying that they aren't mad at me, but he doesn't need to be doing that. They knew his wife and said that she didn't deserve this. It kind of made me feel like some random whore who was just making out w/ him... that there wasn't really mutual hardcore attraction. That that wasn't what I wanted, when in reality, and in that moment. That is what I wanted. I wanted there to be no one else there... It's so horrid of me to say. To see the words in front of me, disgusts me. I left, even though they didn't want me to because they thought I was too drunk to drive. I was fine. I went somewhere where I better belong. I love that I could go somewhere like that.
Now today, I must face the regrets of what I did. I went over to my friend's to get my flip flops that I had left. I talked to her a bit. She was reasonable about the whole situation. Obviously, not happy, but told me I was still welcome. Now I don't know what I want to do. I mean, I go back there next weekend and everyone hates me and I get to apologize to everyone... or I wait it out a bit and when I do show up... I'll still be known as that whore. Especially since he went home and told his wife before anyone else did. She told him she never wanted to see him again. I fucking ruined someone's marriage... or at least I feel like I did. That is why I spent my drive home crying. I don't know how much I like this person that I've become. I mean... somedays I really do. I have so much fun, and I feel so free. I can't stand the thought of hurting people w/ my fun though, and I know that is exactly what I did.
And although a kiss is not cheating per say, I feel like a horrible piece of blah right now. Just spent a drive home in tears. I could blame the tequila, afterall, anyone that drinks w/ me knows better than to slip tequila into my drinks. It might be funny at first... but it's very hard to calm me down; and I get very... VERY fucked up.
I could blame the guy, afterall it was his commitment and his marriage, not mine. I mean why should I be bound to the rules of a decision I didn't even make?
I could just plain blame the situation... the fact that people around me were setting me up for it. Acting like it was their entertainment of the night.
I could just make up reasons why it happened. They might make me feel better; and, even better, they might make you feel better about what I did.
I just can't do that though. I was in the wrong. I will start the story from the beginning
I have this great friend who invites me over to her house normally on the weekends. There is normally alcohol and a whole lot of fun involved. She's crazy... so is her fiance and her friends that chill there are just great. I guess it was two weeks ago? I'm not sure. I got completely plastered with her. If you know anything about me being plastered lately, you will know that the two of us then started to make out. Just b/c that's how I've become!! HAHA. There are generally a group of people over there... sometimes a lot, sometimes just a few. When everyone had left, it was just me, my friend, her fiance, a lady that lives with them, two random quiet guys, and this hot married guy. Now I knew that he was married b/c we had talked about this before, about him not being happy with his recent civil bonding. I was supposed to go out that night, but deciding to stay in with them and just have fun. There were shots of everything being handed to me. Everclear, tequila, rum, vodka, wild turkey, umm... well, anything and everything that was handed to me. We played music... I danced... b/c I love to dance. People joined... the married guy joined. We had fun. I definitely remember kissing him. I remember throwing my guts up. I was told in the morning that we "made out," but I'm quite sure there wasn't more than a few innocent kisses. I thought it was funny, told myself never to do it again, and went on with things. The people there weren't going to tell his wife. No big deal.
So last night... last night I came over so we could watch fireworks (so the cops would come for like the third weekend in a row)... there was a nice crowd of people drinking, as usual. His wife was there... she didn't' seem to social, but whatever. I don't think I met her. I was having fun, planning on going out later. I had a margarita made with rum, so that I wouldn't get all messed up... but then when a different person made the second one it had tequila in it. yeah... gotta love me when I have tequila in me. I talked to that guy for a while. He has this look in his eyes that draws me. It's like he's not afraid to look at me straight on and lock eyes. I don't know why I'm so attracted to him. Maybe it boils down to the everfamous wanting what you can't have syndrome. I've seemed to be familiar with that lately. Wanting guys that aren't even freaking here!! Not just an hour away... but states away... why? Anyways, back to the story, I started acting probably sluttish. Apparantly guys were taking titty shots off of me(not there is anything to take a shot off of, ha)... I was just being social... at some point his wife left. I made out with some other guy that's girlfriend had just left. Not really sure HOW that happened. Anyways, I went over and talked to him and he was pulling me close. I knew people were watching. I pulled him aside and told him that we needed to not act like this. People were there that would tell his wife, and we shouldn't be acting like this regardless. That didn't seem to matter. I asked him if they would tell, and he said he trusted them. At some point we end up making out on the couch. I take full responsibility. I was allowing all of this... to be made a spectacle. I just smiled and enjoyed myself throughout the night... It's wrong of me to be such an attention whore. One of his guy friends came over to talk to him, but got pissed when he got close and yanked him away. They started into it for a bit. Of course, they were cool guys. I would hope if I were him, that I would have friends like that. They just kept saying "i love you man" and he left. So here I am, sitting there, people pissed... and they don't want me to leave making awkward random conversation. I walk outside and people are still just kinda being cool w/ me... saying that they aren't mad at me, but he doesn't need to be doing that. They knew his wife and said that she didn't deserve this. It kind of made me feel like some random whore who was just making out w/ him... that there wasn't really mutual hardcore attraction. That that wasn't what I wanted, when in reality, and in that moment. That is what I wanted. I wanted there to be no one else there... It's so horrid of me to say. To see the words in front of me, disgusts me. I left, even though they didn't want me to because they thought I was too drunk to drive. I was fine. I went somewhere where I better belong. I love that I could go somewhere like that.
Now today, I must face the regrets of what I did. I went over to my friend's to get my flip flops that I had left. I talked to her a bit. She was reasonable about the whole situation. Obviously, not happy, but told me I was still welcome. Now I don't know what I want to do. I mean, I go back there next weekend and everyone hates me and I get to apologize to everyone... or I wait it out a bit and when I do show up... I'll still be known as that whore. Especially since he went home and told his wife before anyone else did. She told him she never wanted to see him again. I fucking ruined someone's marriage... or at least I feel like I did. That is why I spent my drive home crying. I don't know how much I like this person that I've become. I mean... somedays I really do. I have so much fun, and I feel so free. I can't stand the thought of hurting people w/ my fun though, and I know that is exactly what I did.
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