Real Life Bitching

*sigh* Once again, I have to talk about WHY I started this blog, but this time its not for myself its for a lovely blog reader. AHEM, I didn't start it for you. I started it for me... A place for me to release those stupid and random thoughts that I would rather not tell people in real life. I will not cater what I write to you. I'm not even going to try to make it more interesting for you. nor do I care if I have an audience. Do you see me going around to people.... "ready my blog" and batting my eyes, uh, no. Anyways, on w/ my bitching. That's what I'm doing today. Bitching. Bitching so that I don't go in a chat room or call up someone and be a bitch to them.
Yesterday was a shitty day. I woke up... and much to my dismay, the migraine from the night before was still there. I forced myself to go to the gym and swim laps. The old men (the only people there aroung that time) at the pool were looking at me funny. I couldn't figure out why. When I went back into the locker roomm my face was pale except for two bright red spots on my cheeks and the rest of my body was almost blue. It was odd... HAHA, I don't know what was up w/ that. Do you ever have random things like that happen to you? I felt fine.... except for the pounding headache... so I just continued my work out w/ a little bit of cardio and some back strengthening. I came home and got ready for work... late as always. Had to avoid the small children who were jumping up and down on my legs. I don't understand why children are so enthralled w/ me when I hardly pay the annoying little critters any attention. Work was okay... until the storm/tornado thing hit. Then I spent my time trying to catch the flying plants outside.... ah, such fun. As time passes, I find out the road I live on is closed due to flooding... then I find out that the road that leads to the road I live off of.. was blocked off w/ police men.... lovely, just lovely. With myy little car, It wouldn't be smart to go through flooded waters anyways, I would think. When I finally get off work... I try to find a route home that isn't blocked by police men. The 7 minute drive took about 45 minutes. Finally arriving at home, GUESS WHAT? The electricity is off. Oh yippy... I go to my room and light a bunch of candles so I can settle in with a good book. About an hour later, my dad comes in my room. Its about 10:15. He always has this look on his face when he's been sleeping. It doesn't matter when, if he woke up in the past 30 minutes... he has this look. Its scowling. Like someone just whacked his wife's head off w/ a dull axe. Like he not only wants to kill.... but there's a bit of psycho murder mode in his eyes. Okay, analysizing this waaaaay too much.
He grumbles, "what are you doing?"
"uh, reading, dad, what do you expect me to do? The electricity is off."
"I figured you would go to bed like everyoyne else has"
"Um, I can't go to sleep when I just got home from work"
"Well, blow out those candles, our fire alarm is broke"
Starting to get frustrated I reply, "Um, there isn't going to be a fire, b/c I'm right beside the candles. I'll see if the flame spreads. I don't have a flashlight, and I don't want mom to get mad at me for using up her battery."
"blow them out"
"I'll light themm as soon as you leave"
okay, yeah, I'm a bitch to him.... but my gracious. He doens't trust his 20 year old (20 in 17 days! :D) daughter to have lit candles in her room? I remember once... I had a lot of candles lit in my room... and I was reading a book out loud so I could concentrate.... He thougth I was having a saonce (um, yeah, don't have the slightest clue how to spell that). I just don't think my dad gets anything sometimes. But, we had a nice little argument.... where he finally decided to drop the matter of the candles... mostly b/c we had started to argue about bigger things... and he got sidetracked.
After finishing my book, I down some nyquill hoping for a well-slept night. I wake up around 6 and see a light at a close house on... and then I noticed the blinking stereo and alarm clock. Yay! electricity is back on... then I fall back asleep not awaking till around 9. When I wake up, I plug in my cell phone charger. Damn thing won't work. I start to get annoyed, turning my cell on and off and tring to make sure the plug and plug-in were secure. Then having a thought, I look over the my alarm clock. DAMNIT. Stupid electricity went off again. So, I go back to sleep. Around 10:30 I realize I should start looking for a place to take a shower, friends are either not home... or don't have enough water pressure to take a shower. blah, I would of taken a shower w/ low pressure at my house.... too bad we have a well. I went to the gym.... locker rooms were closed. So, yay for me, I get to wash off w/ a bottle of water and soap in the dark. Oh, and shave too, b/c the only thing I had to wear to work that wasn't incredibly wrinkled was a knee-length skirt. Try shaving and washing off w/ an 8 oz. bottle of water. It's not an easy task. Well, I go to work... hair amess... in a skirt... and I get all these damn complimments about my unruly curly hair. I smile pleasantly, "thanks," and try to return a compliment. It annoys me how ppl feel the need to compliment youwhen you look different. So yeah.... my last complaint for tonight will be.... work sucked. As soon as my floral manager left... the managers in the front end made mem start helping them out. Grrrrr, I didn'th ave time for it, but I couldn't tell them no... well, I tried... but it didn't work. So now, when I open up shop in the morning... I'm going to have a million things to get done.... It's going to be great fun! And the best part.... I'll prolly still have my migraine. I think it's time for me to down some more nyquill. Sweet dreams to all..... and to all a good night.

lurking in the shadows

Do you know anyone who makes chills go down your spine? I do. I live with him. My father's presense in a room mmakes me nervous. I was sitting in the kitchen eating a late dinner, and he came in. I can't stand being home when he's here. He was getting a glass of chocolate milk. I don't know if he notcied me.... I closed my eyes hoping that it made me invisble. I heard him talking to my mmother about something... and as the voice drifted farther and farther away, I began to exhale. The moment had passed and I didn't have to make eye contact w/him. something about those cold, emotionless eyes makes me quiver. something about him, in general does. My father has never hit me... or even made a convincing threat to. I just am terrified of the man. He went back into the family room, where he still sits, and before long, i could hear him yelling something about a stupid referee. He's still yelling. He is in the room beside me. I didn't have to build up much courage to walk from mthe kitchen into here, b/c he is enthralled w/ his football game. I'm sure he didn't notice me. I just have to keep my music loud enough to drown out his voice. It scares me. I have to b quiet when I walk to the other room. I have to lurk in the shadows.

Pity Party

Out of all the evanescence fans, which is a large portion of Americans, I wonder how many can relate to these lyrics. Literally, personally, emotionally, the song linked is like... Everything I'm feeling right now. The tears, the blood, the decieving, the screams... where has it gotten me? I return to my same thought process and my same emotions. I spend my days pining oveer a life that I can only wish for. Pining for the easy way. What was so hard for me in the past... seems like the easiest way now. Why did I have to be so immature then? Too immature to deal w/ what was going on. Why do I have to be so immature now? Too immature to deal w/ what is going on. It's like my life is one step ahead of me. Once the opportunities I'm not taking now disappear, I know that I will be able to deal w/ them. Too late... fuck that... You live You learn.. and then you fucking hate yourself. You hate your weakness. Your incapabilties. Your lack of mmotivation.
To avoid dealing w/ the problems at hand, I make other problems. Ones that I can have control over, but I don't want them to go away until its safe. Until its safe for me to not have to deal with reality. And why should I have to? Why should I have to deal with shit? Somedays I wonder where I would be right now if I had become a people pleaser. I probably would be better off. I'm taking the hard road now though.... Its my path of choice... I just need a kick in the ass to get moving sometimes

Sorrowfully Thoughtful

I typed up a post and lost it due to a power surge. IT was deep... but I'm frustrated and I just don't care right now. Fuck electricity

There might be something interesting to you at some point in this post.... Too much crap to read to find it though!

It really sucks that people I know in real life sometimes read this blog. It really sucks that the person's whose heart I broke last night reads this blog. But the reason I started it (before all you other mother fuckers, mind you :P) was to release those thoughts that I couldn't keep in a notebook anymore.
In highschool, I would carry around one notebook to all of my classes. Almost every day, I was writing in it instead of my real note books. The thoughts and pages that I wrote included long love letters to Scott (most of which never got sent), depressing poetry about people dying, failing, just plain running out options, or characters stranded w/ only those who were going to torture them, random statemetnts of self-hate.. whether it be for eating a brownie or participating in some act that I regret, and for the most part drawings and doodlings about scott.
My entire thought process was always on a different wavelength than my friends and classmates. I was deep, yet uncommitted, and lazy. A lot of the same characteristics I have today.

Some days I want to write a letter to my lost love.

My dearest scott,
I hope you read this. I woke up this morning in the same manner I normally do. My alarm went off and I stretched half of my body to hit the off button. Blaming the cold (instead of the true culprit of loneliness), I curl back under the blanket with pillows surrounding me I often wonder if this mind trick actually works for other people, the one where you cuddle up to pillows instead of admitting your solitude. I know it doesn't really for me. I try to remember what I was dreaming about, but before long I've concocted a new illusion. Generally something close to reality. Something that could happen this very week. The most common, and the one I dreamed up this morning, is of us first meeting. The long warm embrace, the hesitant first kiss, the mesmerising affect of a love's eyes. Dreamy imaginations soon turn to unrealistic fantasies. I have to force myself to stop thinking about you to get on with my day. I have to remind myself of the bitterness in your voice. Knowing you still love me hurts even more because we can not be to face to face. We can not be together. Finally convinced to "seize the day," I roll out of bed and rush to get ready for whatever even I'm already late for. Don't think I forget about you though. I work as long as I can to save up that money to come and visit you. The smallest and craziest little things remind me of you. Cucumbers, dogs, curly hair, phone cards... and of course... those pics of you in my wallet. You are brought back into my thoughts... and damn are you hard to get out. I love you.
Forever Yours,
Stephanie Renee Huffman

Some days I want to just sit down and write about anyone but myself. Any character, but mostly ones that are failing. This poem was written as response to one of the poems scott sent me a while back. I'd say over 6 months ago. The series he wrote was from the view of Satan. I wanted to write a recant to everyone of the ones he wrote, but it has been very hard for me to write something from the view of God. Maybe it's because I'm not close enough to Him or maybe it's because His thoughts and actions are too much for me, as a human, to comprehend, much less make up. At any rate, this is one of the first ones I finished. It has generally has the same rhyme scheme and thought process as his, but it doesn't really flow like I wish it could. I wish I could post his writings for you guys to see... but I don't have permission, nor do I feel like asking for it. And scott, don't the ink I'm too weird. I don't think I ever told you about this. I've been writing them on some Sunday nights when like.... I'm just tired of listening to preaching... I think I have 4 or 5 done.... okay, enough babbling. :)

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Some days I just want to admit an indulgence and express my self-disappointment. Here is my indulgence repentance. yesterday, I went against my vegan morals and went with my parents to Olive Garden. I ate the bread and salad (cheese and croutons included, mind you). then my entree -- fetuccini alfredo. My weakness... favorite dish at my favorite restaurant. You know how they ask you if want fresh grated cheese on top your dish? I look at her bewildered, and the whispered, "yes, please," but before she had made one complete turn, I yell, "STOP" with a little bit too much enthusiasm. After she left the table, and my face had returned to its normal color; I began to indulge in that immoral act. Eating all those inhumane foods not only made me feel guilty, but also grotesque. It made me hate me.... and I ate every last bite.

I do love my mother

All through my childhood and teen years I blamed my mother's accident on why my life was so miserable. Last night, my father and I got into a huge argument. Normally this doesn't happen, but my mother was on my side. I just started thinking... how much she cares about our family and how much it must hurt her to see how much my father and I despise each other. He made some statement about how he can't stand to look at me somedays... and although I couldn't see her... I could just hear going... "chuck.... stop..." We don't always get along and most of the time I do want to say that she is a horrible mother and so distant from reality... but after I read this file I found on my comptuer a little over a year ago... it makes me just think. I do love her. I know she loves me too...
Sorry, this is really long.... I jut feel like sharing. If you don't feel like reading it, just aske me to sum it up. I love it so much better in her words though.

I was in an automobile accident in September of 1989, which totally changed my life. Chuck and I had just decided to step out by faith and put our two daughters in a Christian school, although we didn’t know exactly how we could afford it. Kimberly was going into the second grade and Stephanie was just entering kindergarten. After checking out Landmark, I told Chuck I just couldn’t drive that distance everyday – 2 times a day! It was an hour round trip on 295 and I was terrified of interstate driving! So, we decided to put them in a Christian school very close to where we lived. Then, on the second week of school, I found out that an accident could happen close to home also.
It had been a very busy day for me. I had taken the girls to school, and later that morning, went to church to practice with a lady who sang specials. Time got away from me and I was there much longer than I had planned. I still needed to go to the grocery store before picking up the girls from school. After rushing through the store, I was doing fine, but if I went on to school from the store, my cold foods would get warm while waiting in the car line. It was a very hot September day, so I decided it would be better if I ran the groceries home and put them in the air condition house. I could put them away when I got home. There was only one problem with this plan – I didn’t make it home from school that day. In fact, I didn’t even make it to school!
This was during the time that Hungry Road was being widened from 2 lanes to 4. With all the construction delays, I found it was faster to go the back roads to school. However, this involved going across Staples Mills Road at a place where it widens from 2 lanes to 4 – without a stoplight! I remember pulling up to Staple Mills and looking both ways. To my left, there was nothing coming. To my right, there was a car, but it wasn’t that close or going that fast. As I pulled across the first 2 lanes, I heard a tractor-trailer truck rush its motor. I remember looking across at it and wondering what it was doing on these back roads. I looked to my right again as I continued crossing and I remember seeing a vehicle fly around the car I thought I had time to cross in front of. The driver of the tractor-trailer had been trying to warn me. It all happened so fast! My van was hit at the side door – right where the girls would have been if the had been with me. Thank the Lord they weren’t! My van then hit the tractor-trailer and went off the road. The Lord is so good because I don’t remember anything after this, except for thinking or saying (I’m not sure which) "Oh no, I’m going to end up in the hospital. I hate hospitals!" The next three weeks I have no memory of.
When Chuck got home from work that evening, he didn’t know where I was or why the groceries – even the cold foods – were sitting in the kitchen still in bags. As he sat wondering, the doorbell rang. It was a policeman who told him that I had been in an accident and hurt very badly. I was at St. Mary’s hospital - "But what about the girls?" he asked. The policeman told him I was the only one in the car. "Where are the girls?" he wondered. Right after that, Dreama Fuson called to tell him that she had the girls. She was my emergency number and when I didn’t show up by 5 o’clock, the school had called her.
When Chuck got to the hospital, the doctors weren’t very optimistic. I was semi-conscious. They told him that I probably wouldn’t live through the night and, it would probably be better if I didn’t because more than likely, I would be a vegetable for the rest of my life. Wow! If I lived, they said it would probably take a year before they would even know how much I would recover.
Here Chuck stood – His wife probably wouldn’t live through the night or be a vegetable if she did. He had two young daughters, which needed their mommy. He began to pray, and then he called my family and his family to get them and their churches to pray, and they called their friends and families. Soon, many people were praying for me, people all over the United States. Some of the ladies in our church spent the whole night praying for me, and our families drove straight down from West Virginia arriving in the wee hours of the morning.
I had no broken bones, but I was soon black and blue with bruises. I was wearing my seat belt, which probably helped to save my life. However, the jolt of the accident caused me to suffer a brain injury. The hospital had to shave my head on one side and drill a hole in my skull to relieve the pressure caused from my brain swelling. – And yes, in case you are wondering, I DO have a brain! This was proof!
The first three weeks were very critical – but Chuck was there for me. During this time God gave him a peace in his heart that everything was going to be all right and Romans 8:28 became his favorite Bible verse. The nurses and doctors told Chuck that it helped for my family to talk to me even if I wasn’t responding. My mom told me later that she couldn’t stand to come in to see me with Chuck because it broke her heart to hear him talk to me and tell me how much he and the girls loved me and needed me to get well.
After three weeks, I had improved enough to be taken to Sheltering Arms Hospital to begin therapy. But then, in addition to everything else Chuck received a phone call in the middle of the night. Blood clots had developed in my legs and some of them had gone to my lungs. Things were critical again for a while. But later therapy started, and at age 31, I had to learn to do all those wonderful things that a baby learns! Things we do every-day without even thinking, such a feeding ourselves. Although my mouth is big, I still had trouble hitting it with food! I may hit my forehead, or who knows what! Another thing I had to learn to do, as an adult was to walk! The floor seemed a lot farther away for an adult than it is for a one-year-old! When they first got me up to walk between two polls that looked like parallel bars gymnast use, I begged to have my wheelchair back. My legs wouldn’t move. But as time went on, and after much exercising and stationary bike riding, I could walk with a walker. Later, I learned to walk up and down stair holding on to the rails. At that time we lived in a two-story house with all the bedrooms upstairs, so this was important.
The brain injury not only effected my coordination, and motor skill, but also, my memory. After I learned to maneuver a wheelchair, I would leave my room to go exploring in the hall. There was only one problem with this – I would forget what room to go back to. I would go into someone else’s room and accuse them of being in my bed. The nurses soon learned that when I was in a wheelchair, to tape a card with my room number on it to my skirt tail. That way I could find my way back to the right room. My memory was so terrible that I could eat lunch and after they took the tray away, I couldn’t remember if I had ate, much less what I had eaten. Chuck would come to see me in the evenings and I would tell him that no one had been there all day. But, when he got home, someone would call him to tell him they had come. Then they would tell him something funny I had done, or something funny I had made them do!
On the weekends I was allowed to come home, and things I used to do without even thinking, I couldn’t do. Even the smallest things, such a walking to the bathroom! Every time I needed to go, Chuck had to walk me there and wait to walk me back. I had to be helped in and out of the bathtub. Every time I went up stairs Chuck had to walk behind me, and when I came down he had to walk in front of me to catch me if I lost my balance. At bedtime he would pile pillows and sleeping bags high at the foot of the bed to elevate my legs to reduce the swelling. In the middle of the night I would often stretch, pointing my toes, which caused terrible pain and cramps. Chuck would always wake up and rub my legs until the cramp went away. He took care of me like I was his baby. The Lord has blessed me with a wonderful husband. He loved and nursed me back to health!
During the time I was in the hospital, Chuck had to make some important decisions at work. Decisions he had to make alone because he wasn’t able to talk them over with me. His company was offering lay-off packages and with the years he had with the company, if he had taken the lay-off offer, he could have received a year’s pay. – A year he could have spent helping me recover, he thought, but at the end would involve moving somewhere else to live and work. He didn’t know if I could adjust to the move, so he took a cut in his position to stay in Richmond. He thought that was best for me. After three weeks at Sheltering Arms Hospital, I got to go home. However, I still had a long way to go and so I had to go to therapy every day.
While I was in the hospital and therapy, Chuck’s parents and my parents spent a lot of time in Richmond helping out. However, some weeks, Chuck was on his own. Not only did he have to fix lunches and cook for the girls, but also, help with their homework. And then, there was his favorite thing – fixing their hair of the morning! Some mornings they would go to school and ask their teacher to fix it. But, after I got out of the hospital, they would get up early before I left for therapy so I could do it. Fixing little girl’s hair just wasn’t Chuck’s thing!
As time went on, and therapy continued, I could walk with a walker, then a prong cane, and finally a regular cane. However, the cane was my security blanket that I did not want to give up. Finally, they told me I could have it for just one more week because I didn’t need it. During that week I was quite comical because I would walk through the therapy center holding it tightly – but with it raised a foot off the floor! I wasn’t using it, but I had it just in case I needed it. I was preparing myself for when they would take it from me!
While at the therapy center, the Lord showed me how much we really have to be thankful for. Some of the people there were just pitiful to see. Some had had strokes that affected them much like my head injury affected me, but others were much worse. I don’t remember the names of anyone there, but I can remember their circumstances. One boy was only 19 years old and had been in a terrible motor cycle accident. Before the accident, he was engaged, but his fiancé couldn’t cope with the way he was now. He couldn’t even talk – but I remember his sad eyes. Believe me, we all take a lot for granted.
In addition to the physical therapy I had to go through, they had to deal with my loss of memory. Part of the day I would spend playing computer memory games. Even at the beginners’ level, I would become frustrated. Also, they would often question me about computers because I had some important church records stored on our computer and no one knew exactly how I had them stored. Many were praying that I would remember by the end of the year when they would need these records.
A lot of household duties I had to find new ways of doing. I could walk across the room and forget what I went for. I found that if I said things out loud and heard it, I could remember it much better. I also learned to set timers especially when I was cooking so I wouldn’t burn everything – I still have to do this today although at times, I still treat Chuck as a god and give him burnt offerings! When I first started cooking again I would spend most of my time just looking for things because I couldn’t remember where I had put them away. In addition to that, I was still on blood thinner and my coordination wasn’t good so I wasn’t supposed to use a knife. Try cooking without using a knife – it’s not easy! Even after my coordination improved, I still struggled with my memory. I remember trying to crochet again, my hands were able but my memory wasn’t. I could read just one line of directions, but I couldn’t remember it long enough to do it. Crocheting and cross-stitching became my therapy- they both helped my coordination and my memory.
Before the doctors would release me to drive again, I had to go through a driving course at the therapy center. The doctor wanted to make sure my head injury didn’t effect my judgement. Then, after 4 months in the hospital and therapy, I was finally released, but I still had a long road ahead of me. My memory was much better now, but for some reason, I didn’t remember how to get around and go places. On the weekends, when Chuck and I were out, I would see stores that I had always gone to and it was like seeing them for the first time. I had lived at the grocery store and the fabric store, but now, I didn’t remember where they were or how to get to them. It was like being in a new city and discovering where everything is!
Chuck would encourage me to go out for drives during the daytime just to get me out of the house and back to my normal self. Anytime I went out, there were three things I made sure I had just in case I got lost. One was Chuck’s phone number at work. I also had the phone number of a man that worked with Chuck that we were friends with – just in case Chuck wasn’t in his office. And, a city map. Several times I had to get the map out, but I never had to call him to get home. I also had to learn my license number because when I came out of a store, even after just a short time, I couldn’t remember where I had parked. I never knew there were so many mini-vans in Richmond!
I remember one week right after I got out of therapy, when I guess I was having a pity-party. All week, I kept praying over and over again asking God "Why? Why had this happened to me?" I wanted to know why because I really didn’t want to go through this again! Every time I would pray – Roman 8:28 would come to my mind. All week long I moped around and kept praying, "Why, Lord?’ The answer was always Romans 8:28. I had always heard preachers say that when you are going through trials, that it was God trying to get your attention. Well, He had my attention, but why was my answer always Roman 8:28? The next Sunday, God gave the preacher a message just for me. He preached about how God sends trials into our lives sometimes to make us stronger and to trust Him more. - Not always because we have disobeyed Him. I’m a slow learner, but when I finally quit mopping and asking "Why?" and started thinking about Roman 8:28, I could see a lot of good things which had come as a result of my accident. Our family was definitely drawn closer to each other and to God. My girls saw first hand what prayer can do. We also saw the importance of having our children in a Christian school, which cared for them and worked with them during this time. The girls’ classmates made cards and prayed daily for me. (I still have all these cards!) There are many other things that I learned also, like – not to take even the little things for granted, and not to rush through life but to slow down. And, I saw how much I was loved and what a wonderful family the Lord has given me! A preacher friend of ours told Chuck that he was going through "wife appreciation time" – but I think it was "husband appreciation" time for me, too. It was through this time that I saw how much I was loved by the way he was always there for me and the way he took care of me
Now, when I do things that are just normal everyday activities, I sometimes have to just stop and thank God. I have to thank Him because I can do these things. There are so many things I couldn’t do today if God hadn’t helped me. We ALL have so much to be thankful for. There are many things that I had to learn to do again and I don’t want to ever take them for granted. Things such as playing the piano. I took piano lessons again, along with Kimberly, and although I still can’t play great, I’ve come along way. However, my hands and brain still have problems working together! And then, there is sewing. With the Lord’s help, I have been able to make dresses for all the important events in my girls’ life. I started with Stephanie’s kindergarten graduation dress. Then, every year I would make their Easter dresses and later, I was able to make Kimberly’s homecoming dresses. Later, I made Stephanie’s high school graduation dress. I couldn’t have done it without the Lord’s help.
Then, there are those things, which involve my memory – like teaching a Sunday school class. I am so thankful for the opportunity! Wow! With the Lord’s help, and lot of prayer, I can! "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Phil. 4: 13)
When the pastor first asked me about teaching, I told him I would pray about it, and I did. However, I prayed, "But, Lord . . ." as I tried to talk Him out of it. God used a chorus I was singing one day to show me I just needed to say "Yes". The song said, "Yes, Lord, yes, to Your Will and to Your Way. Yes, Lord, yes, I will trust You and obey. . ." I wasn’t really trusting the Lord, was I? I wasn’t happy until I said, "Yes."
There are several songs that Chuck and I used to sing before the accident, which now have a new meaning to us. We would sing, "Learning to Lean" – but did we really know what it meant to lean on Jesus? We do now! And other songs like, "Thank you Lord, for Your Blessings on Me." Not only do we have "a roof up above us" and "a good place to sleep. There’s food on our table" (We can feed ourselves that food!) "And shoes on our feet" (Our feet which can move and walk!) How often do we thank God for this? God "gave me His love, and a fine family," a wonderful family! "Thank you, Lord. For Your blessings on me"!
Several years after my accident, I was visiting a friend in Alabama, which introduced me to a lady in her church who instantly remembered me because she had prayed for me. The same thing happened in West Virginia when my mother-in-law started to introduce me to a lady in her church. "This is my daughter-in-law Kathey, she . . ." that was as far a she got when the lady looked at me and said, "I know, I prayed for you." It is such a humbling but blessed feeling to know that others prayed for me. People that didn’t even know me - prayed for me. They prayed earnestly because years later they still remembered praying and even remembered my name! I still tear up today when I think about all those who prayed for me. I’m so glad that God hears and answers prayers.

Sometimes timing just plain sucks

I got a speeding ticket today for 60/45. I can't afford that right now... and the asshole who pulled me over actually did it illegally according to my friend (who majored in law enforcement). He was driving on the opposite side of the road from me... turned on his sirens.... made a u-turn... actually, he was a bad driver and so it was a 3-point turn and then pulled me saying he had clocked me at 60. As soon as he turned on his sirens I braked, so he must of clocked me when he was on the opposite side of the road... which he's not allowed to do. I mean, I know I deserve the ticket... I'm just frustrated. I can't afford itright now. I don't wanna get shit from my parents... they are going to try to tell me that they can take my license away or something... which they can't, but they think they can... and if they find out they can't... they will prolly say that they can do whatever they want while I live here... I hate having that hung over my head. I just don't want to tell them... I'm scared. hehe, I'm such a dork.... a broke dork at that.

Btw, when I say don't respond or say anything to me about something... I mean it, I didn't know I would have to turn of my comments to one of my posts b/c people are just that rude.

ah, wish me luck

After tedious moments of deciding what to wear, I am putting aside the fact that joey might not mtalk to me for a month... and scott, well, might not for eternity, and focusing on doing well in my interview with Victoria's Secret... in a approximately 1 hr 10 minutes. I must be on my way... just wanted to check w/ the before the interview... will keep you posted, hehe. tata

Bitter Blood -- Recipe of Ruin

Fresh blood at sight
Scaly skin pricks
Unaware of pain
Elimnatned of might
Reflection of remorse
Hoping for no scar
Wonder about recurence
Denying another course

Set the blade down
Clean up the wound
Stop being delirious
Don't want your life ruined
Find the good way
Stop looking at the disfigurement
Wanting to add more details
Just stop wanting this torment

Making more marks
Engraving empty emotions
Breathing bitter blood
Heeding harsh hatred
Knowing not numbness
Controlled, coherent, careless
Under unstoppable unity
With ruining recipe

Wipe the reddened skin
Cover up the sin
Do not let anyone know
Do not allow marks to show
They can not comprehend
Learn to lie and pretend
Hope it won't happen again
Maybe this will be the end...

The little Goldfish

Isn't it wierd how we try to fit so much in between four walls and a roof? We bring in animals, plants, light, minature waterfalls, and lil aquariums... then we buy things like treadmills and stationary bikes so we can do what we could easily do outside... but in our little controlled enviroment. We light candles that are scented like flowers or trees and we play relaxing tapes entitled "nature songs." What is so hard about opening the door and stepping outside? Why limit a little goldfish to a small tank, just so you can look at him.... If he were in the wild he would grow and be a large fish. His life wouldn't be created and prolonged for your enjoyment. What do you think that fish gets out of you? Companionship? HA... It gets nothing... It just gets to swim in small little circles. Sometimes that's how I feel. I feel like my parent's goldfish. I feel as if they not only control what I do.... but how I've developed. I'm so sick of being here, and I think I"ve admitted that bluntly enough. I'm going to have to start planning on changing it. Not later, not tommorow, or next week... but right now.

Ah, okay, so I didn't make it thru the ten days. I stopped. I blacked out the gym a few too many times. I had a talk w/ a friend. I don't know... well, okay, I'm fucked in the head. Really, I am. What made me break my fast the first timem was t hat I stepped on the scales... I wasn't supposed to... but I was waiting for my water to get hot to take my shower... and its just my habit. I had lost 12 pounds in four days. That was just so... like, wow! and my mind started thinking... well, I don't really need to fast... blah,blah, totally forgetting the reasons I started in the first place... or maybe my original reason was to lose weight. I don't know... all I know is I had to stop. :( I don't feel like posting about anything else going on in my life... I'm just so annoyed w/ my mother right now... and so annoyed at myself.... wondering if I'm leading anyyone on. Apparantly I am.. apparantly I'm a bitch for being friendly ("flirting").... whatever, I'm nto going to change how I act b/c someone told me it was leading someone on.... I just don't even give a shit...

ARGH, back to square two

So on Friday night... I was bored and wanted to go out. I call up a friend... somehow he ends up convincing me to go out to eat w/ him. So we went to a mexican restaurant and I ate a huge taco salad. It was good... and they actually got my order right... I had to break out a lil bit of spanish... "Argh, no quiero queso" lol... it was great and yeah, I ate. :( So I have to start all over. Pain in the ass. I'll make it thru at some point. I'm gonna keep starting over till I get all ten days in :) well, I gotta run....