the recreation of this woman...

I'm ready for change and motivation. I've gotten a new mindset in thought that I would share, but fear I'll fail to meet the expectations I've set ahead and couldn't deal with the embarrassment of that. It will involve, for sure: less greed. Less food, less drinking, less attention, less men, less laziness, less fear of myself... more God, more exercise, more motivation, more alone time, more happiness, more accomplishments, more money, and more pride. I think that list seems long, but they all go hand in hand with this new mindset. As in less fear of myself will lead to more alone time, which I really do need. I don't consider those things which I'm lessening all that horrible, or something that I couldn't go back to after I've developed (reverted back, really) into the strong, independent woman I once admired. I'm not quite sure what happened to her, but I'm confident that she still exists within me. I just can't handle how I've been acting lately. My lifestyle is making me someone I'm not. I have a list of goals and they will become my new life. I'm probably going to seem extremely unsocial, but I need this for me. It isn't about anyone else. An overwhelming loneliness is the only thing that kick me back into gear.

And then maybe I can start to welcome in (but never search for) a man who can handle me. Someone that is a stronger leader in faith and in love. After this, maybe I could be with a man who God actually wants me to be joined.

Not one who has stronger religious views... but different because that did not work. Not one who has higher ambitions because that was so fake and did not work. Not one who seems to be so perfect, but underneath it all was so wrong... so childish and did not work. All three of those "loves" of my life I had to eventually let go and dismiss, and I don't plan on wasting that kind of time on another man (or boy) again.