It has been a while

Well, my life has been moving in a fast pace. One I'm setting, not anyone else. I am enjoying my "independece," as I am calling it. Really, I have never felt like I do right now. I feel free and happy. Not because mike and I broke up, or for any paticular reason. It is just combination of my feelings, circumstances, and surroundings. I have my obligations: work, family, and taking care of myself; but they all seem to fit into what I want. I want to be busy at work. I want to see my family, especially my sis who just moved back to virginia. And well, taking care of myself, is something that I have learned and practiced but forgot to do for a while. I have goals, but they aren't overwhelming me. I know what I have to get done, and all it will take is a boost of motivation. Going out and h aving fun is so EASY now. I can just call up my friends or someone I met and want to get to know.. and go out. No drama needed. I'm loving it. I feel wanted and fun and energized again. My days are generally planned to t he moment, but if they aren't I can just enjoy some r&r time. I"m not bragging or gloating. I hope everyone gets a chance in their life like this one I am experiencing right now. I've had so much fun, made so many new friends, and have been reminded of those who will always be there for me.
I am truly happy, and I hope this is an attitude I will be able to carry throughout the rest of my life. I hope the same for you. So when you see me, notice the glimmer in my eye, and do know that it isn't that fake one t hat I sometimes put on for show; but a look of a girl who holds no grudges or regrets in the back of her mind. A girl who you will love to know.

a thought reposted

This is a technique the Eskimos use to massively hunt wolves. They take a knife and kill one drenching the knife w/ the wolf's blood and then freezing it on. Once the blood freezes on, they dip it again and freeze. They do this repeatedly until the knife has a nice thick coating of blood, and then they sit several out in the middle of a field where they are having problems w/ lots of wolves. The wolves will smell that blood and find it. Desiring flesh, they lick the blood off the knife... As it melts and they taste the blood in their mouth, it makes them want more and more. They lick all the cold blood off and then they start to taste warm blood, not realizing it is their own. They lick and lick until they can't anymore. Soon, they can be found.... not far from the knife with bloody mouths and lifeless bodies. Isn't sad how our addiction sins: lust, greed, and jealously can do the same to us. We dont' always realize what we are doing to ourselves. I guess the main thing to remember... everything in moderation. Gluttonous desires destroy a person.

More mad confessions

I feel the need to confess that I am a violent person. Then again, I'm not the one that just broke a wall sconce(sp). I will admit that I need help. I'm sure that sitting on a couch and revealing my inner thoughts will only bring out more problems than I need. Maybe this is the only communication my psyche understands. There are a lot of things that have made me boiling mad that I have never talked out... they just disappeared or faded, and I moved on or pretended like I did. Today, in a sort of outline form, consisted of the following. I worked 7:30a.m. to 10:30p.m. Went to a mardi gra party of a friend afterward. I had fun but stayed out much later than I should have.... drank much more than I should have.... and we can say the same for Mike. He was sweet when we got home offering to caress me and "take care" of me since my knee is killing me. Something turned wrong. He misunderstood my "i'm tired" and got all distant. I can't take not being understood. I think that is one of my truest weaknesses. It's like I open up to the world and I find myself so easy to understand, why would someone not be able to read me? We exchanged words... somewhere along the line he said "just leave me alone." Of course I have to take this to an extreme, and told him "no, this is my house. You leave." Naturally, unwanted feelings make most people leave... he went to sleep on the couch. This boiled inside of me, literally, I could feel the anger burning in me. I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with that statement, but it's completely true. That's when I turned abusive or whatever you want to call it. He was ignoring me... and I suppose one slap would be okay; but he just layed there, eyes closed, not flinching. He knew that would just kinder more anger. At this point I'm like walking in and out of rooms screaming into pillows, having a psychotic fit by it's very definition. Slaps and attempted draggings later, he left. Then he came back.... banged on the door... I was bitchy...then realized he was changing his fucking tire. I kind of wanted to walk around the car and see if there was actually a flat tire, or if he made it up. It just seemed a little too destiny-like, and when I"m pissed destiny is not really part of any factor. Whatever. He's now mad at me (as if he wasn't before, haha) b/c I'm sitting here typing on my computer which I'm sure he can see the glare of through the window.... and I'm wondering if that slamming noise was t he car dropping on his drunken ass. (Yes, drunken. he drove quite drunkenly.) I am sorry for going crazy, but I know that remorse means nothing when you can't get to the root of the problem. I'm not really sure if the root is us, as a couple, or me as a person. I want to lean toward the latter. I want to let you know that I don't think that anyone else should ever have to be this close to me b/c I will end up destroying them too.

Good thing I have to be at work at 6... and I won't be going to sleep anytime soon.