it took a while

The way I've been acting lately has been very uncharacteristic. I've never responded to negativity with weakness. I'm back on track though, after a reasonable discussion with mama bear and getting things off my chest to go-to guy... I really do get it. I feel like I can look back at what I did that seemed crazy and accept them as attempts to keep a friendship. Maybe I acted differently just because I really did want to keep that... and I've never felt so drawn to do so for anyone else. Every time we've talked lately we've been on different pages, different chapters even, of the book. My suggestion of hanging out was his interpretation of wanting to seduce him, and everything I said just "pointed" to that somehow. My genuine concern and burden for him was just infatuation to him. Infatuation because he has a magic stick... of course. It surprised me to hear that the one who is quick to point out a "golden pussy" syndrome has the same characteristics of a virile version of the same. These are not short-comings, only a confirmation of the impaired judgment of our civilized race. We see what we choose. We know what we choose. I don't hold strong to the concept that people will realize when they misjudge a scenario, and make amends. That is only true in the fantasy world of movies and lyrics, because real people are stubborn. I am, of course, part of this breed. This makes me completely subject to all my previous criticisms. I will say I wish I would strive harder to be the woman of proverbs 31. Here is a short list of my missing characteristics to become so: pious, pure, loyal, kind, selfless, strong, patient, cheerful, wise, dignified, resourceful, discreet, trust-worthy, diligent, and takes care of her family. She actually sounds pretty amazing. Maybe I should take my own advice, instead of accepting the defeat of never achieving such an amazing standard: "Perfection exists, but is often unattainable. Strive for greatness, and you may even exceed perfection."

the recreation of this woman...

I'm ready for change and motivation. I've gotten a new mindset in thought that I would share, but fear I'll fail to meet the expectations I've set ahead and couldn't deal with the embarrassment of that. It will involve, for sure: less greed. Less food, less drinking, less attention, less men, less laziness, less fear of myself... more God, more exercise, more motivation, more alone time, more happiness, more accomplishments, more money, and more pride. I think that list seems long, but they all go hand in hand with this new mindset. As in less fear of myself will lead to more alone time, which I really do need. I don't consider those things which I'm lessening all that horrible, or something that I couldn't go back to after I've developed (reverted back, really) into the strong, independent woman I once admired. I'm not quite sure what happened to her, but I'm confident that she still exists within me. I just can't handle how I've been acting lately. My lifestyle is making me someone I'm not. I have a list of goals and they will become my new life. I'm probably going to seem extremely unsocial, but I need this for me. It isn't about anyone else. An overwhelming loneliness is the only thing that kick me back into gear.

And then maybe I can start to welcome in (but never search for) a man who can handle me. Someone that is a stronger leader in faith and in love. After this, maybe I could be with a man who God actually wants me to be joined.

Not one who has stronger religious views... but different because that did not work. Not one who has higher ambitions because that was so fake and did not work. Not one who seems to be so perfect, but underneath it all was so wrong... so childish and did not work. All three of those "loves" of my life I had to eventually let go and dismiss, and I don't plan on wasting that kind of time on another man (or boy) again.

fyi

james is making me choose between the "dog" and the computer... haha.... because we are breaking up... and he owes me about 5 times the worth of the computer...so really i should just get both... since he probably isn't going to ever pay me back.... but of course I chose the dog because I love her more than anything... and he sucks at taking care of her......... needless to say.... I may not really be online much after next weekend because apparantly that is when he is moving back to pa. smart decision on his part... to move with out a job, but some people aren't rational.
~steff

the reasons i was scared

I blogged this before james and I started dating :

When I look back at every "relationship," I've been in all I can think of
are the bad times.

I remember fighting every day...
I remember being a complete bitch.
I hated myself more than I hated him.
I felt restricted... possessed... and obligated.

check, check, check, and check.

:(

falling so hard never felt this good

I'm another year older and I still haven't accomplished much in this life I'm living. I feel great though. I'm so happy with James. Nothing can really top that.

I love my boyfriend

haha, I"m one of those dorky girls that say shit like that... heaven help us.

missing him...

This weekend really was great. It seems every time things just get better, and saying good-bye is ten times harder...

The reasons I know I'm scared.

When I look back at every "relationship," I've been in all I can think of are the bad times.

I remember fighting every day...

I remember being a complete bitch.

I hated myself more than I hated him.

I felt restricted... possessed... and obligated.

I guess I could sit here and slander every relationship I've ever had with someone, but that's not really what is on my mind right now. I've always fought to be single because it's so less complicated. You don't have anyone else to worry about but yourself... but what happens when you can't help but to think about someone else, regardless of being "with them." I mean, can I really fight this so much longer?

It's quite obvious who I'm talking about... but in case you're out of the loop... I'll go ahead and explain.

Jen (best friend) tried to set me and james up like... 3 or 4.... is still don't know... years ago. I was in one of those I-don't-want-a-relationship stages of my life. Nothing ever came of it and he moved to fucking PA. We started talking a lot in the past 3 months and the first weekend of this month I went to visit him... it was great. I feel so content when I'm around him. We planned for him to come see me on my birthday... but my birthday is on September 17th and I've already seen him twice since then... he's even planning on coming this weekend too. One time he came down and once we met in the middle... isn't that adorable? We talk all the time... pretty much all day through texts... and fall asleep on the phone most nights. I'm just so freaking happy.. I don't want to lose this... and that is why I'm so scared.

With All Morality Lacking (I didn't mean for this to be so long)

I don't know how many times in the past 4 or 5 years I have adamantly claimed I could never be that girl that a guy cheats on his woman with. NEVER.
And although a kiss is not cheating per say, I feel like a horrible piece of blah right now. Just spent a drive home in tears. I could blame the tequila, afterall, anyone that drinks w/ me knows better than to slip tequila into my drinks. It might be funny at first... but it's very hard to calm me down; and I get very... VERY fucked up.
I could blame the guy, afterall it was his commitment and his marriage, not mine. I mean why should I be bound to the rules of a decision I didn't even make?
I could just plain blame the situation... the fact that people around me were setting me up for it. Acting like it was their entertainment of the night.
I could just make up reasons why it happened. They might make me feel better; and, even better, they might make you feel better about what I did.
I just can't do that though. I was in the wrong. I will start the story from the beginning
I have this great friend who invites me over to her house normally on the weekends. There is normally alcohol and a whole lot of fun involved. She's crazy... so is her fiance and her friends that chill there are just great. I guess it was two weeks ago? I'm not sure. I got completely plastered with her. If you know anything about me being plastered lately, you will know that the two of us then started to make out. Just b/c that's how I've become!! HAHA. There are generally a group of people over there... sometimes a lot, sometimes just a few. When everyone had left, it was just me, my friend, her fiance, a lady that lives with them, two random quiet guys, and this hot married guy. Now I knew that he was married b/c we had talked about this before, about him not being happy with his recent civil bonding. I was supposed to go out that night, but deciding to stay in with them and just have fun. There were shots of everything being handed to me. Everclear, tequila, rum, vodka, wild turkey, umm... well, anything and everything that was handed to me. We played music... I danced... b/c I love to dance. People joined... the married guy joined. We had fun. I definitely remember kissing him. I remember throwing my guts up. I was told in the morning that we "made out," but I'm quite sure there wasn't more than a few innocent kisses. I thought it was funny, told myself never to do it again, and went on with things. The people there weren't going to tell his wife. No big deal.
So last night... last night I came over so we could watch fireworks (so the cops would come for like the third weekend in a row)... there was a nice crowd of people drinking, as usual. His wife was there... she didn't' seem to social, but whatever. I don't think I met her. I was having fun, planning on going out later. I had a margarita made with rum, so that I wouldn't get all messed up... but then when a different person made the second one it had tequila in it. yeah... gotta love me when I have tequila in me. I talked to that guy for a while. He has this look in his eyes that draws me. It's like he's not afraid to look at me straight on and lock eyes. I don't know why I'm so attracted to him. Maybe it boils down to the everfamous wanting what you can't have syndrome. I've seemed to be familiar with that lately. Wanting guys that aren't even freaking here!! Not just an hour away... but states away... why? Anyways, back to the story, I started acting probably sluttish. Apparantly guys were taking titty shots off of me(not there is anything to take a shot off of, ha)... I was just being social... at some point his wife left. I made out with some other guy that's girlfriend had just left. Not really sure HOW that happened. Anyways, I went over and talked to him and he was pulling me close. I knew people were watching. I pulled him aside and told him that we needed to not act like this. People were there that would tell his wife, and we shouldn't be acting like this regardless. That didn't seem to matter. I asked him if they would tell, and he said he trusted them. At some point we end up making out on the couch. I take full responsibility. I was allowing all of this... to be made a spectacle. I just smiled and enjoyed myself throughout the night... It's wrong of me to be such an attention whore. One of his guy friends came over to talk to him, but got pissed when he got close and yanked him away. They started into it for a bit. Of course, they were cool guys. I would hope if I were him, that I would have friends like that. They just kept saying "i love you man" and he left. So here I am, sitting there, people pissed... and they don't want me to leave making awkward random conversation. I walk outside and people are still just kinda being cool w/ me... saying that they aren't mad at me, but he doesn't need to be doing that. They knew his wife and said that she didn't deserve this. It kind of made me feel like some random whore who was just making out w/ him... that there wasn't really mutual hardcore attraction. That that wasn't what I wanted, when in reality, and in that moment. That is what I wanted. I wanted there to be no one else there... It's so horrid of me to say. To see the words in front of me, disgusts me. I left, even though they didn't want me to because they thought I was too drunk to drive. I was fine. I went somewhere where I better belong. I love that I could go somewhere like that.
Now today, I must face the regrets of what I did. I went over to my friend's to get my flip flops that I had left. I talked to her a bit. She was reasonable about the whole situation. Obviously, not happy, but told me I was still welcome. Now I don't know what I want to do. I mean, I go back there next weekend and everyone hates me and I get to apologize to everyone... or I wait it out a bit and when I do show up... I'll still be known as that whore. Especially since he went home and told his wife before anyone else did. She told him she never wanted to see him again. I fucking ruined someone's marriage... or at least I feel like I did. That is why I spent my drive home crying. I don't know how much I like this person that I've become. I mean... somedays I really do. I have so much fun, and I feel so free. I can't stand the thought of hurting people w/ my fun though, and I know that is exactly what I did.

More mad confessions

I feel the need to confess that I am a violent person. Then again, I'm not the one that just broke a wall sconce(sp). I will admit that I need help. I'm sure that sitting on a couch and revealing my inner thoughts will only bring out more problems than I need. Maybe this is the only communication my psyche understands. There are a lot of things that have made me boiling mad that I have never talked out... they just disappeared or faded, and I moved on or pretended like I did. Today, in a sort of outline form, consisted of the following. I worked 7:30a.m. to 10:30p.m. Went to a mardi gra party of a friend afterward. I had fun but stayed out much later than I should have.... drank much more than I should have.... and we can say the same for Mike. He was sweet when we got home offering to caress me and "take care" of me since my knee is killing me. Something turned wrong. He misunderstood my "i'm tired" and got all distant. I can't take not being understood. I think that is one of my truest weaknesses. It's like I open up to the world and I find myself so easy to understand, why would someone not be able to read me? We exchanged words... somewhere along the line he said "just leave me alone." Of course I have to take this to an extreme, and told him "no, this is my house. You leave." Naturally, unwanted feelings make most people leave... he went to sleep on the couch. This boiled inside of me, literally, I could feel the anger burning in me. I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with that statement, but it's completely true. That's when I turned abusive or whatever you want to call it. He was ignoring me... and I suppose one slap would be okay; but he just layed there, eyes closed, not flinching. He knew that would just kinder more anger. At this point I'm like walking in and out of rooms screaming into pillows, having a psychotic fit by it's very definition. Slaps and attempted draggings later, he left. Then he came back.... banged on the door... I was bitchy...then realized he was changing his fucking tire. I kind of wanted to walk around the car and see if there was actually a flat tire, or if he made it up. It just seemed a little too destiny-like, and when I"m pissed destiny is not really part of any factor. Whatever. He's now mad at me (as if he wasn't before, haha) b/c I'm sitting here typing on my computer which I'm sure he can see the glare of through the window.... and I'm wondering if that slamming noise was t he car dropping on his drunken ass. (Yes, drunken. he drove quite drunkenly.) I am sorry for going crazy, but I know that remorse means nothing when you can't get to the root of the problem. I'm not really sure if the root is us, as a couple, or me as a person. I want to lean toward the latter. I want to let you know that I don't think that anyone else should ever have to be this close to me b/c I will end up destroying them too.

Good thing I have to be at work at 6... and I won't be going to sleep anytime soon.

Broken Up Thoughts... Don't feel like being personal

Don't feel l ike being personal. know you will check this sometime soon.
I'm in a really bad mood right now. You haven't felt the need to call me. When you did call me you couldn't even give me an estimate when you would be off. It's just my fucking evening off. I guess it doesn't matter anymore to you. My entire body itches every fucking night so much that i just lay around sobbing and scratching getting no sleep. I guess you aren't reliable enough to bring me a fucking tube of medicine for over a week since you got it. You probably used up the rest of it knowing you. Whatever, I guess I'm going t o have to get my own. Since you left me with empty promises. I'm not trying to be melodramatic.... but I don't think you understand that I can't take the fucking itching anymore. You fucking told me I could use your goddamn shit. This is going on like god.... I don't even know how long its been. All I know is I'm overworked.... haven't gotten hardly any sleep, and fucking pissed off at you and m y mother. We should have talked when y ou came over Sunday morning.... but we just fucked. As if, overdue sex can make up for all my feelings of mistrust. The thing is.... I think I've come to a point where I've actually accepted that you are cheating on me. You may or you may not.... I'm not going to fight that mental battle with myself anymore. In just the past few days, I've had a girl emailing me.... telling me basically that thing again where you wouldn't consider it cheating b/c you didn't sleep with her.... but you are acting like I don't exist so that makes me feel even more shitty.... your insecurities aren't an excuse for lining up someone else just in case we really break up... and then the fact that you had some whore hanging over you when you were supposed to be with me. I mean you complained to me about not wanting t o be out late... bitched at me for still being at sara's... then you w eren't even home when I got there. I guess being out till 4:30 in the morning isn't late? I guess I'm suppposed to just let the fact that some bitch told me to go home when I was talking to YOU just roll off my back. I guess I'm just supposed to ignore that you didn't even attempt to call me back until you got home. As if, you had to look cool t o your friends and not call back the bitch that hung up on you. It's okay, Mike, they already think I'm a bitch. You really don't have to m ake me look any worse to any of your friends. It just makes you l ook like a dumbass for dating me. You're out way later than is sensible every night.... and I'm supposed to just not expect explanations. Like tonight.... you supposedly started work at 1... but it's 10:45 and you haven't called me. I called your parents earlier and you weren't home. I suppose you're somewhere. Maybe you are still "working" or whatever.... maybe you got a hold of some friends and are hanging out with them. I'm sure I'm the last thing on your mind. I'm only good for when you wake up in the morning w/ a hard on. As if, whining about being horny is a turn on. I'm just so fucking frustrated right now.... I c ould go off on another 15 tangents.... but what good does it do? It doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't get through your fucking thick skull. You will always have firstly yourself on your mind. I think that's one of the few things I can always be sure of. I guess I won't see you tommorow... or if I do you will be mad at me for having plans to hang out with Cheryl for part of the night or whatever.... I'm just so sick of all this. It's too much for me to have to balance, and it shouldn't be so complicated. I really wish you could try hard to help and t ake a load off of my back.
I'm tired of being stressed, tired, depressed, and alone.

a supermodel portrait

Exhausted last night, I sat down in my desk chair. I had finally risen from the bathtub. I adorned myself how I thought was stunning and, well, was rejected. The sadness of it all just seemed majestical. I sat there, drinking my wine, leg propped up on the desk; and I could think of nothing else but how I was going to have to force myself to slumber. The soft dancing light of the candles was reflecting of mike's face, and I could hear his heavy breathing. Sip after sip, I contemplated. I could not figure out what I was feeling or wanting. I felt so alone even though I was only a few feet away from my love. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew the fighting of the night wasn't over; and I was very right about that. During that moment though, all I could do is stare at my surroundings. I decided that the emotions on my face where photographic, that this was the emotion I saw in a sad model's eyes. I wanted to capture it. Bottle it up and look at it later on. As if the stance, the feel, the look of it all were something that should be remembered. Not because it represented something.... but the lack thereof. The thoughts of confusion and blankness... the look of my soul, cold and apathetic. Then I realized that this wasn't me. I'm not apathetic... just exhausted. So I laid down, and hours later and after much difficulty, we both fell into sleep.

You're Not The First

You're not the first to do this to me.
You're not the first to make me feeel this way.
You're not the first to make me sob.
Not the first to make me agonize.
You're not the first to hang up on me.
You're not the first to stand me up.
You're not the first to disappoint me.
Not the first to leave me.
You're not the first to use me.
You're not the first to cheat on me.
You're not the first to seduce me.
Not the first to bruise me.
You're not the first that has made me feel this way.
Not the first to make me want to hurt myself.
You're not the first to cry for me.
Not the first to deceive me.
You're not the first one I felt I couldn't live without.
Not the first "love of my life."

Maybe you were a lot of my firsts.
Maybe I'm soon to make the biggest mistake I've made.
Maybe I shouldn't post this.....
But all that with in me keeps going back to this one thought.

You weren't my first of all.

And although you just called me to wish a good day... while I was looking at my last entered text... I don't feel any happier. I don't feel complete. I'm just sitting crying, after pretending everything is okay.

I don't think you understand. You're losing me day by day. It's not just b/c you're not my first...

It's also because this isn't the first t ime.

This isn't the first time you made me feel like this.
And this isn't the first time you've made me agonize...

I'm sorry I'm numb, and I'm sorry I seem hollow.
I just really can't take this any longer.
All the pain, scrutiny, expectations.

I'm numb b/c I c an't stop thinking.
Are things ever going to change?

So go ahead and threaten me again. Tell me you're going to l eave me. You won't hear crying. You won't hear a fight. I've been drained of all that.

I'm just an empty person.

Wouldn't it be nice?

Wouldn't it be nice if you could say anything you wanted to someone and they didn't get mad or frustrated with you?
Wouldn't it be nice if you were the only one in the world that had a mouth to speak with, after all you are the only one with enough intelligence to be entitled to that?
Wouldn't it be nice if you could snap your fingers every time you wanted or though y ou might want anything.... and someone would appear and take care of it for you?
Wouldn't it be nice if all you had to do in a relationship is show up and you're loved and wanted and revolved around?
Wouldn't it be nice to be able to do anything you wanted whenever you wanted with no regards to what you promise other ppl... but yet they always follow through w/ what they say they might have the time to do?
WOULDN'T it be nice if you could control the entire fucking universe?

Yeah, mike.... I'm sure it would be NICE.. I'm sure you could handle all those things. I hate to break it to you, but you ARE the one with the "balls" in the relationship. So if you feel that something has to be doen, DO IT. You are so f ucking ridiculous sometimes. I can't stand all this whining about not being happy. It's fucking stupid. Don't sit around and whine about it. Move the fuck on. The only time I'm not content is when I have to listen to you WHINE every fucking day about me not being who you want me to be. GET OVER IT. Learn that if y ou want something done, you s hould ask if the person will do it.... Not ask WHY they haven't. Like I'm supposed to read your fucking mind. You know what would be nice, mike? To not have to l ive everyday feeling like I'm an insufficient person. The sole f acts that I'm 21 and haven't spent one day in college, my relationship w/ my parents sucks, I work 60-70 hours a w eek and am still broke, my relationship God sucks, and I h ave time for no one in my life (including myself).... make me feel like a failure.... thank y ou for adding something to the list. Thank you for making me feel worse a bout myself every day..... Thank you, mike.... now kindly just stop doing that? thanks... that would be cool

GRR, happy new year! I think most of my days in 2005 were spent with me feeling the s ame way I do right now. So fucking frustrated! I think I feel a bit better now though. HA

Someone please stop the snow...

It's snowing outside... accumulating. Let's go build a snow man..... okay.... no, let's not b/c I hate the snow... haha.
Life has been moving on. Mike and I have talked. Spent most of the day yesterday sleeping with him. I always feel so content in his arms.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. Mike's dad yelling at us..... shoney's..... I felt like crap from the night before, but slept it off w/ mike. Called out of work. Went to evening church. Went out to eat w/ one of my new bestest friends. She's awesome. Her boyfriend came to eat w/ us.... but left to make some sort of scene. Nice to know that I'm not the only one that deals w/ public drama. Then we went back and I got to see these cute lil baby pups that they adopted to give to her sis for Christmas. It was a good day.
Actually, Saturday was a good night w/ Mike. Italian dinner .... quiet coffee shop... hole in the wall bar.... byrd theatre.... drunk boyfriend.... deep sleep.... "fun and games."
I'm pretty content right now.

Post 101

It's saturday night and I've worked 9-5 today. I always sleep at mike's on saturday nights.... not s ure if I should be putting clothes into my bag right now or not. I'm so at a loss of emotions with this. There comes some point where your brain just stops letting you open up to get hurt. I don't know if I'm even going to see mike tonight. He called me at work today so I suppose that means we will be meeting up soon. I told him I wanted to have a talk. I just hope what's really on my mind.... what's been in the back of my mind for so long.... will have a chance to be heard. I hope we don't end up hanging out w/ his friends or m y friends and then going home and passing out. All together, what I'm really hoping for is some change. Drastic isn't needed.... just change in general. Straightner should be heated up soon.... so I guess I'll go get ready for my night. I'm thinking tonight will be a good night, at least that's what I keep telling myself to believe. We shall see.

I hate myself.... and I mean that in the truest form of attention seeking.

The one thing that always stuck in my mind when we first met was that you noticed a hurting side of me no one else had ever seen. It was always out there for people to see, but no one wanted to admit it first to themselves and then second address me about it. You would have done anything so that I wouldn't hurt myself. You barely knew me then....
Now, you've learned so much about me and grown so close...
You know that you shouldn't leave me in a house by myself when I'm this upset.
You know that I didn't want you to leave. You told me that.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here.
I tell myself day after day t hat I've recovered.... but what form of recovery can only exist when others are around?
I guess I'll be sleeping in my car outside your house again.... I just can't stay here.
Too many angry thoughts cover this house.
I just wanted to be close to you tonight.... but then again, I wanted it to be exactly what I had in mind.
We're both stubborn. Difference is, I'm psychotic.
Now I realize it didn't HAVE to be my way.
I just wanted it to be my way for once.... for one time.
No one can or has ever made me so mad that I threw a foot rest (saying foot rest b/c I have no fucking clue how to spell what its really called, haha).
I don't think anyone has made me so mad that I couldn't contain myself. Maybe my father... but no, I think I've always felt in control of those arguments.
Right now, I just don't know what to do.
Maybe you'll peek out your window at me.... I hope it doesn't get down to freezing tonight.... this is going to suck.

Bitter Blood -- Recipe of Ruin

This better work this time

Sometimes I get really mad at blogger.com. Lot's of cool features to my blog.... but it makes me very very angry when I spend a good 5 minutes typing up something and then it doesn't post. I c ould be doing better things then sitting on my butt in front of my computer.
I'm waiting for my sweetie t o come over a nd change my oil.... i t's later than I expected him (as always). I should be showering or cooking h is dinner... or something productive but.... yeah, I'm not. Just playing free cell.... losing, uncharacteristically (I think I made up that word.... way t oo many syllables).
Yeah, I've had some psycho moments r ecently. Mike and I definitely had a huge fight monday night. He said pretty much the worst thing he could possibly say to me. I hurt him physically pretty much the worst I could.... actually, it was the w orse. I was hitting him like he was my attacker. I d on't know what really stopped me.... maybe when I realized he wasn't going to let me leave and it was pointless to hit him... or maybe when I saw that I had made him bleed. Nonetheless, our arguments seem to get w orse.... but t he making up is getting sweeter. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I think t hat they should just stop. I hate being the couple at every party/get together that is fighting. Monday night.... both of us had been slightly intoxicated, but this argument w as much later after we had been sobered up. Can't blame the alcohol on our psychotic behaivor. It's so weird how we can be so abusive and then the next day doing everything possible for each other. *sigh* well.. it's getting late... I should do something productive

ERV

I've had a frustrating night.
Mike is being so annoying. He's hung up on some thing where he thinks that I'm turning into a lesbian.... or whatever he thinks. I don't know what is going through that boy's head. It's just plain annoying me. I can't stand not being able to answer someone and they just believe you. Simply answer the question and move on with the day. That's my thought on it.....
Then, there's the fact that the stupid verizon website is down and won't let me make a payment.... I have enough shit to worry about.... I don't really feel l ke dealing with the stupid thing not working. I need to pay my bill right now.... otherwise it won't get done.
arggh arrghhh arg. :
let's go back in time for a story that might put me in a better mood (not likely)
So, Mike and I got in this huge argument last wednesday night... and i was so fucking upset that night. He's never made me so frustrated and depressed, like that time.... I remember when I used to get like that. For a while, I was so in control of the situation. Painful situation.... okay, deal with it. Abuse yourself in some form and move on. As if, pain followed by pain numbs it all. I think I lost you guys at this point. Being so vague... don't like that people I know irl (besides mike) could run across this. Would rather not have to deal with ppl grabbing my arm to look at my wrist and shit like that. I'm just fucking psychotic to the point where I don't always control myself. I think I'm mostly driven to that state late at night.... in my room.... no where to go. I can't go out for a drive or anything like that b/c m y parents will think I'm leaving for good and a ll that..... but yeah, I never got to t he good part of the story.... The morning after he showed up at my house.... drove all the way out here to knock on my window and take the time to work things out... and he was sweet and understanding. It's like.... we can't find that happy.... but not overdone medium. Anyways, it went downhill last night and is continuing to go down... I just hope we don't have to hit rock bottom again. I'm sick of the bruises it leaves.....

Tired, depressed, psyched out, and lonely : very complainsive

I haven't posted for a month and a half almost. Just to update you mike is either cheating on me or utterly hates me, I think I could be pregnant, and i'm sinking into a pit of depression. All I do is work... oversleep..... work.... oversleep. All my energy is gone and there is absolutely no part of the day that makes me happy. The one or two times I get to see mike throughout the week are preceeded by arguing, consist of arguing, and are followed by arguing. I'm just plain scared. Scared of being pregnant... terrified that mike has turned into one of those guys that old ppl always warn you about.... and you just say, okay.... yeah, I know. The kind of guy who screws you and then leaves you. Leaves you with the responsibility of his child. I know I'm going overboard.... I haven't even missed my period yet. It just is the worse feeling in the world to not feel supported by the one who loves you, or at least t hat's what he used to t ell me. I'm just depressed tonight. I don't know if you can tell. I have myself psyched out, and I'm lonely. Oh well, I had today off. It was okay. I caught up on about half the laundry I need to get done.... and cleaned out my car, which was growing odd substances. I went to a wedding, stayed at the reception forever and then came home.... I haven't done anything b ut sit on the couch. I just watched a movie with my sis and bro in law who are in town for the weekend. It was nice to be off.... but then again, I feel like it was a w asted day. The point of having a day off is to spend it with mike or to go out.... or to get things accomplished.... not just half way. I guess I'm going to bed. Tommorow is just another ordinary day. church work church sleep. I probably won't have time to post for a w hile again.

Energized? what's that...

I'mm pretty sure I haven't had but one day off in the past 3 weeks... The only day I have off this week is tuesday.... court day.... I'm so scared.... I haven't even talked to my lawyer about the case... like, at all. Whoops. I have so much shit to get done tommorow. It sucks. Everything just kinda sucks right now. I just need a vacation. I wish I were going with my parents to see my sister in pensacola... although I will enjoy the time I get here without them.... I know I'll be working constantly. It's not just that I work every day.... it seems like I work all day most days.... its just.... grrrr.... and then there's the factor that mike and I keep having arguments. It's stressful b/c I want to be with him... but it always seems like there isn't a thing I can do to stop our arguments. A girlfriend she able to stop those.... I just can't rationalize a lot. Like, why be jealous when I am talking to one of my girlfriends about a middle school crush? It's just.... argh, I don't know. Somedays, I feel like all I am to him is a comparison. Not an actual person, just a jan doe... that fits the profile... fits a profile of someone I'm not. I think I'm getting to confusing and talking way to deep into this. I'm just sad, basically. Sad that I can't keep him happy and sad that I don't know how to get over this trust issue. If there were boundries it would be understandable.... but how can I keep the boundries that he doesn't? If he's going to talk about his past, I amm too; and I think that is a completely healthy thing... ~sigh~ I'm going to go shower now... didn't have the energy to get up this morning and do that.