Word Spew

Ravenous, ruined wreck
Greedy, gullible guile
Malicious, monotonous muse
Forced from feedom,
Stolen so secretely,
Trampled to threads.

Re-won, revisited, re-lost
Unwound, unnerved, unloved
Disregarded, discerned, dislodged
Worldliness will win,
Hatred hides humanity,
Love leaves life.

Black
Cold
Lost
Confused
Mourning

~My Heart~

Reposted thoughts

Unrequited Seduction
Standing in front of a crowd of a thousand,
My body convulses and my mind turns blank.
Trying to forget how my soul has been damned,
How I've been demoted to the lowest rank.

My mouth trys to utter an apology,
While all the piercing eyes shout their disbelief.
They make feel I deserve this agony.
Regret settles in. There will be no relief.

Shaking fists, mutterance of "crucify her,"
Vagueness, terror, suffering, embarrassment.
My mother, how could I defy her?
My father, why all the harassment?

That's what it all comes down to: social status.
How could this offspring of theirs be so horrid,
How could this young daughter have so much malice?
Sweat bands feel as if they're piercing my forehead.

I'm damn sick of being a people pleaser.
Its not something in my bones, body, or belief.
I love to be free, to be a men teaser,
To be myself is an ever sweet relief.

Now I stand for all th fucking crowd to see.
Not bodly, not energetic, but naked,
See my imperfections, my indecency.
See my temper, the reason I am hated.

This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
I'm ready for all of your criticism.
This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
Try to settle down, contain your orgasm.

Really, this is my stage to you.
You'll never be up here with me.
I'll never long to be with you.
Understand, you can't change me.

I'm the opposite of a people pleaser.
-- I am lonely --
Stubborness will keep me forever up here.
Lack of interest will keep the crowd down there.

I'm not sure if I'm ever going to find someone that can make me overcome this... I wrote it in '04....

No Way

Blank stares into the wall,
Numbness, a stone facade,
Emotionless by force,
A terrified source,
Contemplating decsion,
Wishing intervention,
But those thoughts don't stray far,
Regret's always in mind.

Next day, same lifeless stare,
Wondering when this ends,
Long days with out a noise,
Knowing this was her choice,
A need for confession--
The lasting obsssession
Haunts her by day and night;
But still she carries on.

New year, and she's still scared,
Terrified of purpose,
Tormented with deadly remorse,
No sentiment is worse.
Than this reminiscing,
All the things she's thinking,
Doesn't know what she wants,
Lost passion and desire.

View her lost and sad state,
But do not come so close.
Notes of the life she took,
Dreaming to have one look,
How it would have turned out,
One way might have worked out,
But there's no way to know,
No way to compensate.

A work in progress.... one of my laziest writings.

The Rejection of the Succubus

Her anger is kindled under those dark green eyes,
She can't stand to be treated with abuse and lies.
No other victim has looked at her as you braved,
She serves absolutely no purpose when not craved.

Ninety nine of her new offspring have died tonight.
Her night's work is almost over, but you must fight.
Do you desire what she is able to offer?
She should be told you're drained of passion, don't bother.

She brings herself down to your still, lifeless body,
Doing what past lovers did to get you ready.
You lie there coldly rejecting her seduction;
She doesn't get how you could delay production.

Hours upon hours pass, while you lay in deep sleep.
Sanity, calmness, and tranquility you keep.
While she laments and screeches, cuts and convulses,
Ready to give up, she returns to her solace.

The arms of Lucifer offer a place to wail,
So she can destroy thoughts of how it felt to fail.
He takes away all feelings of dispair and fear.
Sealed with his kiss the dark angel's scars dissapear.

The very next night you are the first of her prey,
She has practiced and schemed your defeat all day.
A special tactic, an element of surprise;
The same seductress, but in a new disguise.

When you pillow your head, thoughts turn to your Savior.
Inseperable love, every endeavor.
"In distress, persecution, famine, or nakedness..
Death, life, angels, principalities, powers,
Things present, things to come,
Height, Depth, or any creature..." [Romans 8]

Silently she blows the air in the space of void,
The empty part of your bed, no woman has toyed,
Your hand moves toward it as if you need assurance
That you are alone, there is no need for endurance.

Slowly she start to allow her warmth to surround;
And you being to realize that something's around.
The invisible feelings now are carassing,
And the pleasure that she'll bring seems everlasting.

Your body gives in before your mentality,
Sightless being allures with sensuality.
She wont be visible til attraction's intense,
Won't let her guard down til you can't take the suspense.

She hears your moan which makes her think she has you trapped.
So you blink your eyes and see in whose arms you're wrapped.
Her wicked facade brings you back to reality:
Her beauty can not conceal her brutality.

Beyond her reasoning, your body is lifeless.
She begins to accept... and to become fightless.
Losing this fight takes away her satisfaction;
Then takes her life b/c of your cold rejection.

You're Not The First

You're not the first to do this to me.
You're not the first to make me feeel this way.
You're not the first to make me sob.
Not the first to make me agonize.
You're not the first to hang up on me.
You're not the first to stand me up.
You're not the first to disappoint me.
Not the first to leave me.
You're not the first to use me.
You're not the first to cheat on me.
You're not the first to seduce me.
Not the first to bruise me.
You're not the first that has made me feel this way.
Not the first to make me want to hurt myself.
You're not the first to cry for me.
Not the first to deceive me.
You're not the first one I felt I couldn't live without.
Not the first "love of my life."

Maybe you were a lot of my firsts.
Maybe I'm soon to make the biggest mistake I've made.
Maybe I shouldn't post this.....
But all that with in me keeps going back to this one thought.

You weren't my first of all.

And although you just called me to wish a good day... while I was looking at my last entered text... I don't feel any happier. I don't feel complete. I'm just sitting crying, after pretending everything is okay.

I don't think you understand. You're losing me day by day. It's not just b/c you're not my first...

It's also because this isn't the first t ime.

This isn't the first time you made me feel like this.
And this isn't the first time you've made me agonize...

I'm sorry I'm numb, and I'm sorry I seem hollow.
I just really can't take this any longer.
All the pain, scrutiny, expectations.

I'm numb b/c I c an't stop thinking.
Are things ever going to change?

So go ahead and threaten me again. Tell me you're going to l eave me. You won't hear crying. You won't hear a fight. I've been drained of all that.

I'm just an empty person.

Sunday Morning

Sunday mornings never actually go by plan. Most I don't even have a plan. I slept in my car outside mike's house last night. I wasn't welcomed inside.... I drove all over richmond last night... playing the game of avoid-hitting-wasted-lil-people.... for about an hour..... then I drove back to his house, found out I wasn't welcomed and made myself c omfortable in my car. It was odd... but I don't feel liek going into detail.
I should be showering for church. I actually should of been doing that about 20 minutes ago when I got home... but I'm still sitting here....
So, I definitely can tell who posts a comment even if you don't leave your name. I'm good like that. I just wanted to let everyone know. Don't try to be sneaky..... b/c I'm watching you. hahaha. Okay, not trying to scare you. Just letting you know.... b/c you could get on here and post something really mean.... and think I won't know it's you, but then I'll have to come kill y ou with your girlfriend's red shoes.


I found this in my car, amongst the two bags full of trash.... and a large amount of shoes, clothes, lady bug wings, and other such junk.... thought I would post it. don't even remember when I wrote it. I guess a few months ago. Maybe longer. I d on't think it has a title. I apparantly wasn't in a good mood..... what's new.

A loss of words that is ever so overcoming:
A piercing stab to the heart that is numbing.
Look at the crimson blood that will not stop its flooding.
Feel this hatred of the heart; see that it is budding.
Searching b/c I need a different hiding place,
Not being able to stand my horridly scarred face,
Always questioning my personal value and rights,
Not knowing how to stop all our long nights of fights.
Laying awake in the mid of solitary darkness,
Wondering if my emotions could be a sickness,
Waking up just to confirm my angry solitude,
Hatred for the feeling that continues to ensue,
Dreaming that the the future loneliness will come quickly,
Slumbering late to avoid how life makes me sickly,
Knowing that i will be the only person to blame-
The only person to blame for this tortured life claim.
Making myself to be my one and only sinful savior,
All that is needed is a slight change in behavior.
So watch me now as I try to rehabilitate.
You'll see, keep watching, some day, I promise, I'll meet my fate.
For now, just keep tearing my pathetic life apart.
When you're ready, I hope you've left a piece of my heart.

Yay for write-offs IV

Malicious Muse -- Recant to Suicide Seraphim

Leader of all rebeillion
Originator of uin
Endless hatred from your veins
Wanting to be He who reigns
What a sad creature you've become
Bloody tears when you're sullen
Turn into falmes when provoked
Shot off when your heart is choked
Or feel that false betrayal
You were that one unloyal
The one who started all this
The one who wanted all this
I watched you prowl about the earth
Laughing during a new sin's birth
You though you were so clever
Thinking you'd reign forever
Why don't you give up, sinner
You know who is the "winner"
Don't fool yourself with all this
You won't betray with a kiss
That has already happened
Your plan hasn't strengthened
Go ahead and try defeat
See if you can take the heat
Gather up all your followers
Make them think they are heroes
The end of you will soon come

Isaiah 14:12-19
How art thour fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!
For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God : I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation in the sides of the north:
I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High.
Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit.
They that see thee shall narrowly look upon thee, and consider thee, saying, Is this the man that made the earth to tremble, that did shake kingdoms;
That made the world as a wilderness and destroyed the cities thereof; that opened not the house of his prisoners?
All the kings of the nations, even all of them, lie in glory, everyone in his own house.
But thou art cast out of thy grave like an abominable branch, and as the rainment of those that are slain, thrust through with a sword, that go down to the stones of the pit; as a carcase trodden under feet.

Yay for write-offs III

Do You -- Recant to And I

Think about what you have done, are you satisfied
Have you found happiness, know the meaning of joy
You still don't want peace even after My Son died
And you keep trying to convince that they're My toy

Free will's only fault is man's inconsistency
(Why can't they make the right choice)
It's hard to choose between pleasure and decency
(When you're drawn by Satan's voice)

And do you realize, how you've currupted my universe--
How they worship you -- oh, how the have accepted your curse

And do you wish you could change this being who you have become --
An angel who has turned to a demon of insane reason

You are My only regret
You are My saddest angel
You are creator of sin debt
You are the ultimate rebel

And do you live and die for anything but your own gain
Have you tried to carry the burden of another's pain?

And do you care, you will always be defeated
Have you noticed where the Savior's seated?

Do you forsee what was always meant to be
Do you prophesy that which is known a lie
Do you agree whether you will be the key
Do you cry beacuse your chances have passed by?

My heart aches to see you thi way
Doom's the only future you're meant
But for your deceit you must pay
So your failure comes with torment
I've given hope to so many
All you have given comems with pain:
Hate, Heresy, Hypocrisy
My love you won't ever attain

You are the fearful cherubim
You are the beast I'll overthrow
You are the master of all sin
You are prince of an earthly show.

Yay for write-offs II

this is the one that I've posted before... and then took off at scott's request.

Sinner Don't -- Recant to "Please God"

Sinner don't leave again, put up a wall, shun, disobey
I'm still waiting for you to change your mind, love me again
The only reason you'll get close is to lead more astray
Take them, they'll lose hope. If not instrust your demons to mame.

Do you only come back when you're ready to attack
You're face will be bruised black from my one defensive smack

Creating sins my creations could never imagine
Until they learn and create in the same fashion

(gluttony)
Didn't I give you enough, ruler over the heavens
Prerequisite for world rulers, power is easy to intake
You pass this ailment on to man: a line of addiction sins
Destroy all in you path, break promises, love life, intoxicate

Sinner don't need, it will only lead to greed
Give me your burden, I promise you won't lack
Those who learn to stop this disease are a aspecial breed--
The won't bring heaven against me when I turn my back.

(Envy)
Destroyoing your life b/c you don't understand
Thinking your need could never less than other's
Covetting my aptibility, yearning to expand,
Wishing to feel the intimacy of lovers.

And do you want a worthless kingdom like this
To have control of demons in an abyss

(Greed)
Lascivious of the blood of your prey
Desiring for the simple reason of desiring
You can't control the need to disobey
But the unsatisfaction never becomes tiring

Sinner don't need, it will only lead to destruction.
Starve malicious hunger; strive to be holy
Being content is the only way to beat this affliction,
Drive away the evil, be able to stand boldly.

(Pride)
Why do you think your capabilities exceed mine?
I made you strong, beautiful, a sort of oracle
How can you let your qualities overtake your sensful mind
You slipped and fell when so close to your pinacle

And do you honestly think you could ever win
Your black heart is broken and covered in sin

(Sloth)
I knew you would be able to find the easy way out
Always taking the glory while others kept up the slack
You teach man to look at a My great plan as hard work and doubt
I guess there's a special technique to sneaking through the crack

Sinner don't become a slacker, its not the better way
I know you think it's because your mind and body become tired
But you're spirit will be much stronger if you will to stay
It just seems like your youthful fire has been buried.

(Lust)
Numb to malicious appeal, anything can allure
Seeing my final creation's seductive nature
Woman by day, succubus by night, keep far from her
This sensual sin can only addictively mature

And do you see how anyone can give into this sin
How you've perverted the passionate drive I gave to men

(Wrath)
I understand why you are angry
Vengance is Mine, you deserve nothing
Your satisfaction will never be
So just stop all this fighting

So sinner, go ahead and make your choice
The laws of nature will subdue and you will learn
But maybe not, because you won't heed My voice
That's okay, go ahead, soon I will have my turn.

Yay for Write offs

Okay, so my ex bitched when I started to post my recants to his twisted series.... but he really has no place in telling me what to do or not to do... so I'm going to start again. I don't feel like talking about my life today. So here are my "write-off"'s, bitch. Go ahead and curse at me.

Love Slave -- Recant to Insevire Malus

Watching my beautiful, sinless Son in so much pain,
Knowing that soon I'll have no choice but to turn my back,
His body's covered in blood and mixing with the rain,
From My creation's hateful rage and brutal attack.

Not being able to stand the painful cries of His voice,
I covered my face, drearyness and darkness covered three hours.
The Son of Man suffered on the cross by His own choice,
Denying the angles' and Satan's offered powers.

The weight of sin bringing Me closer to humanity,
Like a virgin tasting her first lustful appeal
I start to understand addiction of profanity,
Giving up My life for this disease is so unreal.

The weight of agony causes My body to sink,
While I know I'll have to rise to take another breath,
Unable to keep thoughts from My need for a drink,
Or how some sinners will reject the gift of My death.

Unable to look upon Him, heaven is somber,
My angles lament and my temple's veil was rent.
Ignorant men realize they killed a Man of honor.
Too late... The Savior's spirit's gone and his body's spent.

The cross is now empty, My will is now complete.
My Son surrendered and He gave up the ghost to sink.
His death doesn't support escape from lies and deceit,
Christ was willing to die, not self as some might think.

The battle between My Beauty and My Son begins.
The obvious conqueror of the keys to Hades will win.
Why else would He suffer with the weight of human sins?
Satan's sole challenge now is to keep his grip on men.

Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee
Take away this cup from me
Nevertheless, not what I will, but what thou wilt
Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do

Eloi Eloi lam sabachtan
My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?
Eloi Eloi lam sabachtan
My God, My God why hast thou forsaken me?

Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.
It is Finished.

Bitter Blood -- Recipe of Ruin

Fresh blood at sight
Scaly skin pricks
Unaware of pain
Elimnatned of might
Reflection of remorse
Hoping for no scar
Wonder about recurence
Denying another course

Set the blade down
Clean up the wound
Stop being delirious
Don't want your life ruined
Find the good way
Stop looking at the disfigurement
Wanting to add more details
Just stop wanting this torment

Making more marks
Engraving empty emotions
Breathing bitter blood
Heeding harsh hatred
Knowing not numbness
Controlled, coherent, careless
Under unstoppable unity
With ruining recipe

Wipe the reddened skin
Cover up the sin
Do not let anyone know
Do not allow marks to show
They can not comprehend
Learn to lie and pretend
Hope it won't happen again
Maybe this will be the end...

Unrequited Seduction

Standing in front of a crowd of a thousand,
My body convulses and my mind turns blank.
Trying to forget how my soul has been damned,
How I've been demoted to the lowest rank.
My mouth try to utter an apology,
While all the piercing eyes shout their disbelief.
They make feel I deserve this agony.
Regret settles in. There will be no relief.

Shaking fists, mutterance of "crucify her,"
Vagueness, terror, suffering, embarrassment.
My mother, how could I defy her?
My father, why all the harassment?
That's what it all comes down to: social status.
How could this offspring of theirs be so horrid,
How could this young daughter have so much malice?
Sweat bands feel as if they're piercing my forehead.

I'm damn sick of being a people pleaser.
Its not something in my bones, body, or belief.
I love to be free, to be a men teaser,
To be myself is an ever sweet relief.
Now I stand for all th fucking crowd to see.
Not bodly, not energetic, but naked,
See my imperfections, my indecency.
See my temper, the reason I am hated.

This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
I'm ready for all of your criticism.
This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
Try to settle down, contain your orgasm.

Really, this is my stage to you.
You'll never be up here with me.
I'll never long to be with you.
Understand, you can't change me.

I'm the opposite of a people pleaser.
-- I am lonely --
Stubborness will keep me forever up here.
Lack of interest will keep the crowd down there.

Peaceful Anguish

She sits and stares into the void of the night,
And trys to find sommething in her life that's bright.
Not that it would help her.

Her mind instantly turns to her lost lover;
The pain is too intense for her to cover.
Not that it would hide her.

She finds a rope and trys to make a slipknot
To end her sad life and make her body rot.
Not that it would hold her.

She throws the rope and picks up a razor blade,
Closes her eyes to make all memory fade.
Not that it would haunt her.

She suddenly becomes ever so peaceful--
So peacefully numb to her pain, it's blissful.
Not that it would hurt her.

She slowly scrapes the blade down her wrist's vein;
Along w/ the blood, rushes in all the pain.
Not that it would harm her.

She jumps, startled, so startled that the blade fell.
She screamed at it and told it to go to hell.
Not that it would hear her.

She see's a lost, sad girl in the window glass,
Not recognizing her reflection or past.
Not that it would hate her.

She's tired, angry, confused, and worn out.
Can't feel her pulse because her heart's been torn out.
Not that it would hunt her.

She stops eating because she hates her "temple."
Starvation's techniqute is ever so simple.
Not that it would house her.

Her body slowly startes to emaciate.
Of course, its not something she utterly hates.
Not that it would heal her.

She walks to the kitchen to the pantry door,
Food binging starts while her mind keeps screaming "more! "
Not that it would hush her.

She eats until she can not eat anymore,
Stares in the toilet's void, falling to the floor.
Not that it would hollow her.

Her body hates her.
Her mind hates her.
Her heart hates her.
Not that they would humble her.

Her body gains when she tells it to lose.
Her mind heals when she wants it to bruise.
Her heart hates when he trys to amuse.
Not that they would honor her.

Her body bleeds when she tells it to heal.
Her mind rebels when she wants to deal.
Her heart is numb when she trys to feel.
Not that they would hinder her.

She sinks into a dark corner... knowing that her life will continue for eternity. She doesn't fight her problems anymore. Just sits back and watches them in a way that seems a distant view. Peaceful anguish will continue. She needs a savior to heal her, but will he ever appear? It seemms as if he has stopped caring

My Enemy

Okay, so... I'm starting this blog. It's posted nowhere... maybe I'll put it on one of my profiles or something. I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't think I care if anyone ever reads it though. It's just a place where I can sit down and write out my thoughts. Writing in a notebook doesn't seem to do anything for me anymore. It seems so limited. Like, I'm talking to someone who doesn't exist. Now I'm talking to a computer.... hm, yeah, that doesn't really make me feel much better. Maybe someday someone will be bored out of their mind and read this. Maybe not.
Today, I'm so bored. I have a bunch of crap I need to get done.... but I just don't feel motivated. My best friend is supposed to come over later and help me dye my hair... wahoo. Okay, yeah, I'm not all that excited about it. I feel so dull and ugly. I can't wait to go to Pensacola.... even if it is going to be w/ my parents. I mean, its going to be fun. At least I won't have to work for 5 days, and I get to see my sis. That will be cool. ~sigh~
I feel like I'm constantly striving for perfection of some sort. There has to be something mentally disturbing about setting unattainable goals.... or maybe they are only unattainable b/c I make them that way. I just need to lose 20 pounds, find a more respectable job, and oh yeah... get my ex whom I've-never-met-in-person-yet-always-argue-w/ back.
Alright, here's some stupid ass random poet I'm writing... that hardly rhymes, has no rhythm, and pretty much sucks... I know I know... I'm great at intro's haha... I should go on a tour w/ someone.

My enemy

When I look in the mirror, I hate who I see.
When I don't look in the mirror, I forget who I be.
It's like in this horrid battle I hide,
And I'm the only person on my side.
With every move I make... I remember my enemy's better counter action with which I've dealt.
I'm alone... this deep emotion is emptier than I have ever felt.
Every aspect of my life is a struggle.
I feel like I fell into a deep pool because of a shuffle.
I've forgotten how to swim,
So I fight to win.
I tred the water and see the light,
Putting up a good survival fight.
Going nowhere, but my destiny.
My life exists soley for others... my enemy.
I feel incredibly empty.
I want to be more empty.
Any good thoughts or feelings are chased away.
Why do I whine about being alone all day,
But then bitch to have my solitude?
Why do I eat when emptiness is crushed by food?
Why do I live if only for the sustenance of my enemy?
Reality... Reality will always be my enemy.