More mad confessions

I feel the need to confess that I am a violent person. Then again, I'm not the one that just broke a wall sconce(sp). I will admit that I need help. I'm sure that sitting on a couch and revealing my inner thoughts will only bring out more problems than I need. Maybe this is the only communication my psyche understands. There are a lot of things that have made me boiling mad that I have never talked out... they just disappeared or faded, and I moved on or pretended like I did. Today, in a sort of outline form, consisted of the following. I worked 7:30a.m. to 10:30p.m. Went to a mardi gra party of a friend afterward. I had fun but stayed out much later than I should have.... drank much more than I should have.... and we can say the same for Mike. He was sweet when we got home offering to caress me and "take care" of me since my knee is killing me. Something turned wrong. He misunderstood my "i'm tired" and got all distant. I can't take not being understood. I think that is one of my truest weaknesses. It's like I open up to the world and I find myself so easy to understand, why would someone not be able to read me? We exchanged words... somewhere along the line he said "just leave me alone." Of course I have to take this to an extreme, and told him "no, this is my house. You leave." Naturally, unwanted feelings make most people leave... he went to sleep on the couch. This boiled inside of me, literally, I could feel the anger burning in me. I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with that statement, but it's completely true. That's when I turned abusive or whatever you want to call it. He was ignoring me... and I suppose one slap would be okay; but he just layed there, eyes closed, not flinching. He knew that would just kinder more anger. At this point I'm like walking in and out of rooms screaming into pillows, having a psychotic fit by it's very definition. Slaps and attempted draggings later, he left. Then he came back.... banged on the door... I was bitchy...then realized he was changing his fucking tire. I kind of wanted to walk around the car and see if there was actually a flat tire, or if he made it up. It just seemed a little too destiny-like, and when I"m pissed destiny is not really part of any factor. Whatever. He's now mad at me (as if he wasn't before, haha) b/c I'm sitting here typing on my computer which I'm sure he can see the glare of through the window.... and I'm wondering if that slamming noise was t he car dropping on his drunken ass. (Yes, drunken. he drove quite drunkenly.) I am sorry for going crazy, but I know that remorse means nothing when you can't get to the root of the problem. I'm not really sure if the root is us, as a couple, or me as a person. I want to lean toward the latter. I want to let you know that I don't think that anyone else should ever have to be this close to me b/c I will end up destroying them too.

Good thing I have to be at work at 6... and I won't be going to sleep anytime soon.