the recreation of this woman...

I'm ready for change and motivation. I've gotten a new mindset in thought that I would share, but fear I'll fail to meet the expectations I've set ahead and couldn't deal with the embarrassment of that. It will involve, for sure: less greed. Less food, less drinking, less attention, less men, less laziness, less fear of myself... more God, more exercise, more motivation, more alone time, more happiness, more accomplishments, more money, and more pride. I think that list seems long, but they all go hand in hand with this new mindset. As in less fear of myself will lead to more alone time, which I really do need. I don't consider those things which I'm lessening all that horrible, or something that I couldn't go back to after I've developed (reverted back, really) into the strong, independent woman I once admired. I'm not quite sure what happened to her, but I'm confident that she still exists within me. I just can't handle how I've been acting lately. My lifestyle is making me someone I'm not. I have a list of goals and they will become my new life. I'm probably going to seem extremely unsocial, but I need this for me. It isn't about anyone else. An overwhelming loneliness is the only thing that kick me back into gear.

And then maybe I can start to welcome in (but never search for) a man who can handle me. Someone that is a stronger leader in faith and in love. After this, maybe I could be with a man who God actually wants me to be joined.

Not one who has stronger religious views... but different because that did not work. Not one who has higher ambitions because that was so fake and did not work. Not one who seems to be so perfect, but underneath it all was so wrong... so childish and did not work. All three of those "loves" of my life I had to eventually let go and dismiss, and I don't plan on wasting that kind of time on another man (or boy) again.

Reposted thoughts

Unrequited Seduction
Standing in front of a crowd of a thousand,
My body convulses and my mind turns blank.
Trying to forget how my soul has been damned,
How I've been demoted to the lowest rank.

My mouth trys to utter an apology,
While all the piercing eyes shout their disbelief.
They make feel I deserve this agony.
Regret settles in. There will be no relief.

Shaking fists, mutterance of "crucify her,"
Vagueness, terror, suffering, embarrassment.
My mother, how could I defy her?
My father, why all the harassment?

That's what it all comes down to: social status.
How could this offspring of theirs be so horrid,
How could this young daughter have so much malice?
Sweat bands feel as if they're piercing my forehead.

I'm damn sick of being a people pleaser.
Its not something in my bones, body, or belief.
I love to be free, to be a men teaser,
To be myself is an ever sweet relief.

Now I stand for all th fucking crowd to see.
Not bodly, not energetic, but naked,
See my imperfections, my indecency.
See my temper, the reason I am hated.

This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
I'm ready for all of your criticism.
This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
Try to settle down, contain your orgasm.

Really, this is my stage to you.
You'll never be up here with me.
I'll never long to be with you.
Understand, you can't change me.

I'm the opposite of a people pleaser.
-- I am lonely --
Stubborness will keep me forever up here.
Lack of interest will keep the crowd down there.

I'm not sure if I'm ever going to find someone that can make me overcome this... I wrote it in '04....

stephanie presents: how to... (this is long, lol)

how to have a bad day:

make sure you oversleep.
allow people to walk all over you.
do everything "wrong" at work and care too much about actually doing it "right."
let the stuff that you shouldn't have to worry about frustrate you when it's done wrong by others.
eat food that will make you sick.
drive even though you were hoping (thought you asked) the others to do so.
encourage friend to take shots before leaving to go dtown.
don't get gas.
don't look up directions on your own.
do not understand that "go right" means "go left" and vice versa.
giggle too much.
cut someone off in your blind stop.
get extremely lost.
freak out b/c your gas meter has been on the e for the last 15, and is dropping below.
act stupider then any ditz you've ever met.
and then act even ditzier.
forget your not driving a little echo and run into a stationary wall while whipping into a parking spot, fucking up your new car.
be upset.
extremely upset.
avoid panic attack by letting drunk ppl tell you its fixable.
decide you shouldn't ever be allowed to drive a car.
hell, you shouldn't be allowed to be IN one.
act ditzy again.
forget to bring a tampon to change.
let drunken friends drink more.
allow lots of wine to be spilled all over your dress. (wine flavored vstring, anyone?)
realize you're going to HAVE to drive home b/c friends can't even stand up straight
allow them to drink more? wtf?
allow friend to insist on going the wrong way to the car, three times
leave friend w/ random stranger (ok, not extremely random, he worked there) so that you don't have to drag her three flights of steps
leave parking deck going the wrong direction?
friend is still standing in front of club.
accidentally get on downtown expressway.
run toll because you have no change.
listen to friend in back seat repeat over and over "where's jessica?"
call up guy (who thinks you're the biggest ditz in the world) to get directions back.
finally figure it out, friend is still alive. yay!!!
realize tank has been on empty for a long time...
take drunk person's advice to get to nearest gas station....
forget that "left" is still "right" and vice versa

after finally making it home, agree that this should be done again....


heh

to have a good day:
just do the opposite of everything above

fyi

james is making me choose between the "dog" and the computer... haha.... because we are breaking up... and he owes me about 5 times the worth of the computer...so really i should just get both... since he probably isn't going to ever pay me back.... but of course I chose the dog because I love her more than anything... and he sucks at taking care of her......... needless to say.... I may not really be online much after next weekend because apparantly that is when he is moving back to pa. smart decision on his part... to move with out a job, but some people aren't rational.
~steff

I want...

I want a man to stand beside me, not in front or behind me.


I also wouldn't mind an excuse to make and eat some more bbq ranch sauce. mmm

~steff

winter winter, go away, and take this cold with you

Well, things have been happening so I figured I would update. I went to court for my speeding ticket and pled guilty with a request for driving school. Judge said no, and I paid the fine. As for the other ticket, I went to court on thursday for that; and I was a bundle of nerves. I had psyched myself into thinking that I was in fact going to jail. A few hours before, I decided I MUST have a lawyer, because I wanted to do everything possible to make sure this didn't go onto my record as reckless driving. I got to court (my daddy took me) and was so blessed to have a judge that was very fair, and very kind. I know this happened because I had so many ppl praying and thinking about me. Thanks if you were one!!! It didn't matter though, I asked for a continuance, because my nerves were still shot. I can't go to jail for this, so the judge said. I'm relieved about that, but nervous about my new upcoming court date. I hope all those people pray for me again!!!! :) I know I should have just let mr. happy judge make his ruling for me, because he reduced every single case in front of me.
After court, I went and test drove some cars. I wouldn't have picked it on my own, but I decided to also test drive an '07 dark green pontiac g6 gt and fell in love with it. So once all the paperwork was done the next day, it was all mine! Well, mine and the banks! At least I had a good amount of downpayment to put down. I'm going to have to re-adjust paying a car payment again... and my high insurance rate. Too bad she has already gotten her first ticket from Saturday night. Apparantly I parked in a tow-away zone, even though I read the sign. I will have to investigate on this one.
So today started my manager's first day at the store where she is filling in for the next 5 weeks. I will be the "fill-in" manager for the next five weeks at mechanicsville which basically means I get a little thing on my paycheck that says "fill in pay $25." I know I should be excited about this, but it really irritates me. I feel like I've been begging for management and proving myself over and over again and I'm still getting paid the same. I want more money. bottom line. I don't care about having another "step up" in the company, or more experience under my belt. I've already done fill-in before. No, not throught a holiday, but that just makes it even more irritating. I'm supposed to run a shop on not even fully staffed team. I was just about to apply for a second job (prolly going back to vicky's) so that I can have some money for christmas and upcoming events.... but this situation kinda binds me to not being able to work anything but sunday's... and a few other shifts here and there. Mostly, I have to be flexible for Ukrop's because I'm the only one available all (or even most) of the time. I think I will pursue this anyways. I'm at the beginning stages of a cold that I've been trying to fight off like mad. I hope I can get rid of it and go apply for that job this week.
Love life has kinda been put on a back burner. I know whatever is meant to be will happen, and I'm just trying to concentrate more important things now. HAHA, like how I wanna get ready and go out right now. So I'll write more later!

the reasons i was scared

I blogged this before james and I started dating :

When I look back at every "relationship," I've been in all I can think of
are the bad times.

I remember fighting every day...
I remember being a complete bitch.
I hated myself more than I hated him.
I felt restricted... possessed... and obligated.

check, check, check, and check.

:(

Goodbye Echo

Well, it is official. They took my car away this morning. Well, took it away from the shop; it has not been home with me for over two weeks. My poor little crushed front roxy edition toyota echo is gone forever. I am waiting on the insurance company, the adjuster to be specific, to call me and tell me I can come get my check. I would like to test drive a few cars first, but I'm pretty much set on a beetle at james' work. I would link the bill talley lot, but I guess they haven't put it up on the website yet. It's an '05 baby blue convertible vw beetle. I can see myself riding around in it. :)
The insurance company has been very frustrating through this all. Well, once again, the adjuster has been specifically irritating. My accident was on the 12th. The adjuster called me on Tuesday, the 16th to let me know they were going to fix it, and that I should have it towed to the shop. He would send the information to them. By friday, they still hadn't received ANY communication from my insurance company. I called up that morning, and he returned my call with a voicemail apologizing and saying it would send it right over. I gave him a direct fax number, but I guess he couldn't do it until he was back in the office that monday. So they finally start working on my car, or pulling it apart anyway; and they find more damage than what the adjuster bothered to notice. James had actually said the frame was bent when he looked at it, and I'm assuming that is what they found at the shop. This all happened on Thursday. James called to tell me my car was being totalled (he works in sales at bill talley, where I was getting it fixed). My insurance company didn't call me, but my parents home phone later that evening to tell me that my car was being totalled and I needed to get my stuff out of it. This is the second time they have called my parent's instead of me. It's been very frustrating. They have my cell number; I don't understand why they keep calling the wrong number. My mom called me immediately at work, gave me the number; but when I called back (it couldn't have been more than 5 min) the guy was out of the office. Well, I called him back the next morning and he didn't really tell me much more, just the value of my car. Now I have to wait for mr. adjuster. Oh yes, he's my favorite character of the allstate team. I will probably call him tomorrow, if he doesn't call me before I go into work. I just want a car! I mean, is that really too much to ask?
On another note, I went to court for my speeding ticket on friday against recommendations to get a continuance, mostly because I just lost track of time and never sent in the request. Yeah, I pled guilty with a request for driving school, which I was denied. So that was a lovely waste of my friday morning. I haven't gotten a lawyer for my reckless ticket. I probably should. I just don't want to waste my money. I'm going to try to take some documents to court stating I had faulty equipment. I'm sure I'll keep you posted on that one. I may actually get my license suspended again. :( Ug, I swear, I'm actually afraid they can send me to jail for this; but you have to have an arraignement and a lawyer for any crime that they can send you to jail for, right? I sure hope so!

The world is always spinning, and it's making me dizzy.

I've obviously not taken the beaten path in my life. I have career ambitions, but I'm not freaking out that they are still in distant view. I feel secure in this. And then something comes and just hits me. I am 24 years old and still working at Ukrop's. That is slightly laughable, considering i still haven't spent one day in college. I have to remind myself to stop letting everyon elses's expectations set mine, as well. Not that mine should be lower, but they are most definitely different. I have learned, and continue to do so, amazing work ethics under someone I respect very well. Maybe my steps toward bettering myself only compare to the baby steps of someone else, but I love what I do and I'm trying to not be so ashamed of it. I had a similar discussion with my manager last night. Yes, pay is an issue; but I think my main annoyance is title, prestige. I'm so sick of being called the flower girl. It's demeaning and frustrating. I do as much work as an assistant manager, but we don't have a title close or similiar to that.
As far as life ambitions, those all seem in distant view as well. The means, the path if your will, is there; but it's like I just don't walk down the path quickly enough. James and I still haven't set a date, and the longer it takes us to set it... the farther away it's going to have to be. There are many other frustrations going through my head right now, but I won't post them out of respect for other parties. I just want to feel on top the mountain again, like I mentioned in my last post. I think the main reason I feel so frustrated is that I really do face ridicule in all this. I hear the words, whether they are direct or not, that compare others to me.
They generally come out on the winning side of the weight balance.

Updates...

I'm not quite sure where to start, so I will just delve right in on this...

Things have been very downhill right now, and it seems i have no footing to climb up the mountain. Each thing that i'm upset about has a positive side though, and I am trying to use these things as a morale booster.

My grandma passed away last saturday, it doesn't seem like that was already a week ago. I know I didn't talk to her as much as I should have, but God has given me peace. She was in and out of the hospital for the past couple of years; and they told us she wouldn't make it through the night the sunday before she died. She did! I was so thankful that i got to see her that saturday...even though she wasn't able to speak to us I could see the glimmer in her eye. I am glad that she is no longer in any pain.
My sister and I had decided to go up that saturday (the 6th) to see her in the hospice house they had put her in. We left to come home on Sunday, and the next day james and I drove up for the wake and funeral the next day. The funeral was beautiful, in it's bittersweet way. James and I left late on tuesday to come home.
The ride home was okay at first, but about 30 minutes from home we got in a STUPID STUPID STUPID fight that i just was in no condition to have. I couldn't take it. I was psychotically screaming and crying like a baby back to back over and again. I don't know why he persisted. He said he was just so tired, but thinking back, it still frustrates me. I was driving home from burying my grandma just that day... and he had to persist that I shouldn't tell him what exit to take. I just don't understand.... it was so stupid. It should have been dropped before it turned to any angry words. I "slept" on the couch that night b/c I didn't want to think about the fight anymore... more like layed and cried for a few hours. Before long, it was time for my 12 hour work day. No more room for being self-centered.
Work exhausted me, but it was better than staying at home. Wednesday consisted of mostly just working. I grabbed dinner and a couple drinks with kellie after that. Thursday was no more exciting.
Then there was friday. I went into work, which i had a lot to do at laburnum (my self-serve store); since I'm the only one that works there. Also, I hadn't worked much throughout the week. My store manager wanted to talk to me, and so I went up into his office not really thinking any of it. He told me who was goin to be the new floral manager at the new store across the street, which was a position i had applied. I have been working an annoying scenario, of two stores, in hopes to increase my odds of getting it. Well, he then tells me; I don't know what we are going to do with you. I'm like, cool. I mean, he didn't say it rudely... I think he was just expecting me to become promoted even if I didn't get the position, but i wasn't. My store manager at the other store doesn't know what I'll be doing either. So, they may plan on me working both of my stores after the new one opens.... but I do not plan on doing that for long. It's a strain on me. I mean, I don't mind when the store first opens, but after that it just won't work. I'm applying for a different area of the store now, natural organic lead. If they decide to let me try out this area, I will be able to have ukrop's pay for some classes that i want to take in college.... so I'm crossing my fingers on that one. It would also work well for me to have another job in that position. I'm just irritated that I was told me running a self-serve floral department was a stepping stone up in the company, when really my title is "full time floral associate" and my pay reflects that title. Yes, I got a raise; but that was because i went from part-time to full-time. Anyways, I hope things work out on that part.
So yeah, when I got off work I went home to change. I needed to run some errands and turn in my progression form at "home" store. So after i change, james had me run up to his dealership so he could check my tire size and see if he could get me a good deal on new tires. I need 3 new tires, along w/ new brake pads, a new windshield, and new AC belt. Well, anyways, I leave there; on my way to mechanicsville. I figured I would just take laburnum all the way to mvill turnpike because it takes about the same amount of time and less gas as taking the interstate. So I'm riding down laburnum and people in front of me seem pretty brake happy for no reason i could see. I look back at the car behind me who almost hit me, and think I so need to get out this lane. Well, I didn't get the chance to do so. Just a moment later, I see the car in front of me and the car in front of him SLAM on their brakes. I'm like oh shit, brakes squealing, burning rubber... it's obvious I can not stop in time. I tried to swirve off the road, but to no avail. I hit the car in front of me, hard. Apparantly, the jolt moved him into the car in front of him. So I rear-ended two people, cool. It's all my fault. The reason everyone had slammed on their brakes was b/c there was a truck in the middle of the road that had ran out of gas. The person who TRULY caused the accident was the car behind him who didn't see the disabled truck and had to come to a sudden stop, but he just got over and went on his merry little way. The truck driver in the front didn't get any tickets, just waited for someone to bring him gas and went on his merry little way, as well. I didn't realize at first that this was even going to be pinned on me. I mean, I knew the story was that I hit them... but they had to have told the officer about the sudden stop. I know I couldn't have done anything in my power to have stopped sooner. I was already overly cautious because of the brake happiness before the impact. Yep, so I got a reckless driving ticket. Reckless... :( My car is looking pretty bad. Had to have it towed. The car in front of me's bumper came off... didn't look like too much damage otherwise. The car in front of him didn't have any damage whatsoever, but they took one of the passengers to the hospital. I'm just hoping maybe they will total my car because a) it wouldn't take me as long to buy a new car as it would for me get this one fixed b) even after they fix everything, i'm going to have to spend money on new tires and such VERY soon. So yeah, right now my car is sitting in a towing lot... and the appraiser could be there any time between tommorow and thursday. I don't have rental on my insurance (apparantly i'm not old enough for that anyways), so I'm pretty screwed... trying to figure out how i'm going to work my annoying schedule of 4 hours here, 4 hours there with people having to drive me to these places. Most of all, money was tight before this, and now i have to pay a $500 deductible and a reckless speeding ticket (the cop said the judge may show leniancey). On top of that, I have a speeding ticket (dumb 50 in 35 on bell creek) that i was planning on going to court for on the 26th. Yeah, that's gonna look great when I go to court on October 9th.

If you read this, don't ask me what's wrong when you see me. Instead an uplifting word or an offer to help would be much more what I need. Everytime I think about what's been going on, I just get more frustrated. There are more bloggable type things I will be blogging soon; but right now, this has been overwhelming enough.

but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Power has been defined as any ability to affect change. Wow. We've been give that?



Love has been defined as divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional thoughtfulness.

Wow... again

And although a sound mind seems like something rather simple, we are irrational beings. We often let the thoughts of power and love and greed and our lack of faith to control our thought process.

God has given all of these three things to do what? To overcome fear. These three things were given to us so that we may easily put all our trust in Him and His sovereignty. Shouldn't we be doing that anyways? I know I mostly do not. I'm terrified of a coule of things right now, and I'm trying to give them over to Him.

Searching for depth

I think I go through a constantly changing (bipolar if you will) mindset. The first mood being artificial... but fun, allowing myself to trust even strangers, to be carefree, an attention whore, and rather conceited. The second mood is that of which I am now. It looks for depth. It questions WHY I have friends, or the lack thereof. It makes re-evaluate myself and try to work better on the things that I know I have an opportunity to improve upon. I hope I can stay in this "mood" for long enough for good mannerisms to become habits. It usually only lasts for a day though. Otherwise, I seem to take things in a passive stride. I allow what is going to happen, to just happen. I mean, I don't control the universe so why stress over pretending like i can do so.


I have a few things on my mind right now. I'm a little overwhelmed, but trying to put my life and future in God's control. Things will work out on their own, and we cannot avoid the innevitable.

Sorry for being so redundant. I guess I don't really feel like expressing the true root of my stress... in time though.

Anger vs. Depression

"Depression is anger without enthusiasm."

I saw this anonymous quote today, and it took me aback. No wonder it was anonymous; it is absurd. I see how we, silly people of a hypochrondriac generation, want to agree with this ruling, given that it implys that depression is a common condition. I won't say that there aren't different degrees of depression, or that I am some sort of expert on the matter; but I do think the word is thrown around too much. You know how people are always saying they have a migraine, when they have had a headache for more than a few hours? It kind of reminds me of that. Although it does happen to all age groups, genders, and ethnicities; the majority of depression does not occur in teenagers but rather is onset in woman between 30 & 40, peaking when they are between 50 & 60. Clinical depression is not brought on by anger, or the lack thereof, but by a chemical inbalance that occurs when there are low levels of nuerotransmittors. We all have seen the commercials for zoloft... with the little bubble characters... that try to simplify this very complicated theory. They DO simplify it... to the point you think you understand something that you do not. haha. I'm being very enlightening, aren't I? The research on this material is intense, and slightly ridiculed. i would encourage you to delve into it, if it interests you.

Basically, I do understand that depression will be considered a state... in which one is tired and overly worn of a certain problem or issue, but does not allow the anger to consume. This person may think to themselves that they would rather just be angry about the issue, but being angry truly is not normally the best alternative.

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe our passion should always be so strong that we never become depressed. I do not believe that it is something that can be helped though. I've struggled with unexplainable, yet consuming, pervasive low mood from the time i was rather young; although I have never been diagnosed with clinical depression. I do not feel like it is something that I could have overcome just by being stronger... or by just being enthusiastically angry.

Sometimes it seems short, witty little quotes are cute; but don't let them do the thinking for you. I wonder who else agrees with me that this one is incorrect.

Friends

At some point, I started expecting too much from those people that you automatically call your friends. Not really because they know a lot about you or have made an attempt at a friendship, but because "acquaintence" is such a cold word.... myspace hasn't helped. With the click of a button, you name someone you know as a "friend."

Know this. I'm not mad at anyone right now, friend or otherwise. I don't think less of anyone. I do not feel backstabbed. I do feel disappointed. I thought friends were supposed to come to you about a questionable subject, instead of make matters worse. I thought friends didn't just beleive anything they hear. It's all good. Some people just never realize when they disappoint you... others feel regret when it's not needed. I'd rather they just look at it as room for improvement and move on.
~steff