Work sucks. I feel like I live my life at work. I haven't started to even think about what I'm going to get people for christmas and have tons of shopping to have done by this weekend. Its going to hit me at some point and I'm gonna start freaking out. I'm a horrible gift shopper. I always worry about if they will like it or not... and it takes me forever to decide.
I feel so empty. So why am I so huge? My lack of self-control in the past disgusts me. Its going to take forever to get all this off. I deserve to have to starve... It took a lot to go from bones to a well-padded fattie.. it took years. Oh, I really hope that it doesn't take that long for me to get it off. I was only a child then... now I have to fight off all these "womanly" curves. What is womanly about a huge ass and fat rolls? I want to be to touch my toes and still nothing rolling over. I'm going to FORCE my hips to shrink. I don't care what it taks to get there. I'm going to be a size 3 again... or smaller. I want to have to buy my clothes from the children's sectoin. I'm doing this for myself. Who cares what any guy or friend thinks of me.. I lost my love. No one's opinion of me matters anymore. This isn't what you think. I AM NOT anorexic.. but I do wish I could be. I just lack damn will-power. I need to buy some celery and actually only eat that.. until ppl get suspicious. Just eat it in front of people. Oh hell, everyone knows I don't have enough will power to go back to ana. I'm going to prove them wrong, but they don't need to know. Everyone can see I need to lose weight anyways. I'm sure the are talking about me behind my back. If I were them, I would probably do the same. I'll let the scales become my friend. They won't lie. I don't have to worry about them trying to word things in a way to not hurt my feelings. I need incentive and I will use them for it. I'm going to get this routine down... down to perfect. If i get off track again... I'll end up hating myself. There are things in my closent I am determined to wear again. I just ned to give myself time. I can and will do it
I feel a lot better now.
good-night