Another Cold Day

I miss the warm air of Florida. I miss waking up beside the one I love. I miss being actually excited about what I'm going to do today. I honestly want to go back down there right now. I can't wait another day. Oh well, I guess you bundle up and put that lovely smile on your face. You know, the fake one that anyone that works in sales knows about.... and go on with the day. I'll just keep in the back of my mind that I'm going to be down there soon.

Try Not To Miss Me Too Much

YAY! In less than 5 hours I will be on my way to South Carolina with Mike! :) Then... tommorow... I'm going to be on my way to West Palm Beach. Who's excited for me? hehe. I'm so excited. I'm going to have so much fun.... and I'm so excited that I get to spend all this time with mike with out having to worry about making it to work on time... or making curfew. It's going to be great. Have I mentioned I'm excited? Okay, well, I haven't finished packing... and I gotta get ready for church. Just thought I would share while I was printing out my bank statement. I'll be back on Friday, and I can be reached on my mobile yahoo id: peppersquat while I am there.

Yay for write-offs IV

Malicious Muse -- Recant to Suicide Seraphim

Leader of all rebeillion
Originator of uin
Endless hatred from your veins
Wanting to be He who reigns
What a sad creature you've become
Bloody tears when you're sullen
Turn into falmes when provoked
Shot off when your heart is choked
Or feel that false betrayal
You were that one unloyal
The one who started all this
The one who wanted all this
I watched you prowl about the earth
Laughing during a new sin's birth
You though you were so clever
Thinking you'd reign forever
Why don't you give up, sinner
You know who is the "winner"
Don't fool yourself with all this
You won't betray with a kiss
That has already happened
Your plan hasn't strengthened
Go ahead and try defeat
See if you can take the heat
Gather up all your followers
Make them think they are heroes
The end of you will soon come

Isaiah 14:12-19
How art thour fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!
For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God : I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation in the sides of the north:
I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High.
Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit.
They that see thee shall narrowly look upon thee, and consider thee, saying, Is this the man that made the earth to tremble, that did shake kingdoms;
That made the world as a wilderness and destroyed the cities thereof; that opened not the house of his prisoners?
All the kings of the nations, even all of them, lie in glory, everyone in his own house.
But thou art cast out of thy grave like an abominable branch, and as the rainment of those that are slain, thrust through with a sword, that go down to the stones of the pit; as a carcase trodden under feet.

Yay for write-offs III

Do You -- Recant to And I

Think about what you have done, are you satisfied
Have you found happiness, know the meaning of joy
You still don't want peace even after My Son died
And you keep trying to convince that they're My toy

Free will's only fault is man's inconsistency
(Why can't they make the right choice)
It's hard to choose between pleasure and decency
(When you're drawn by Satan's voice)

And do you realize, how you've currupted my universe--
How they worship you -- oh, how the have accepted your curse

And do you wish you could change this being who you have become --
An angel who has turned to a demon of insane reason

You are My only regret
You are My saddest angel
You are creator of sin debt
You are the ultimate rebel

And do you live and die for anything but your own gain
Have you tried to carry the burden of another's pain?

And do you care, you will always be defeated
Have you noticed where the Savior's seated?

Do you forsee what was always meant to be
Do you prophesy that which is known a lie
Do you agree whether you will be the key
Do you cry beacuse your chances have passed by?

My heart aches to see you thi way
Doom's the only future you're meant
But for your deceit you must pay
So your failure comes with torment
I've given hope to so many
All you have given comems with pain:
Hate, Heresy, Hypocrisy
My love you won't ever attain

You are the fearful cherubim
You are the beast I'll overthrow
You are the master of all sin
You are prince of an earthly show.

In Loving Memory of Joyce C. Tony P. Charles R.

I've said before. I'm not very good at this. Mourning... I just can't stand to think about... two widows... a widower... how sad can that be? What do you say..... what do you think. *sigh* These three ppl are ones I have known to pass away in the past 3 weeks due to cancer. All three leave behind many family memmbers. They would appreciate your prayers.

Yay for write-offs II

this is the one that I've posted before... and then took off at scott's request.

Sinner Don't -- Recant to "Please God"

Sinner don't leave again, put up a wall, shun, disobey
I'm still waiting for you to change your mind, love me again
The only reason you'll get close is to lead more astray
Take them, they'll lose hope. If not instrust your demons to mame.

Do you only come back when you're ready to attack
You're face will be bruised black from my one defensive smack

Creating sins my creations could never imagine
Until they learn and create in the same fashion

(gluttony)
Didn't I give you enough, ruler over the heavens
Prerequisite for world rulers, power is easy to intake
You pass this ailment on to man: a line of addiction sins
Destroy all in you path, break promises, love life, intoxicate

Sinner don't need, it will only lead to greed
Give me your burden, I promise you won't lack
Those who learn to stop this disease are a aspecial breed--
The won't bring heaven against me when I turn my back.

(Envy)
Destroyoing your life b/c you don't understand
Thinking your need could never less than other's
Covetting my aptibility, yearning to expand,
Wishing to feel the intimacy of lovers.

And do you want a worthless kingdom like this
To have control of demons in an abyss

(Greed)
Lascivious of the blood of your prey
Desiring for the simple reason of desiring
You can't control the need to disobey
But the unsatisfaction never becomes tiring

Sinner don't need, it will only lead to destruction.
Starve malicious hunger; strive to be holy
Being content is the only way to beat this affliction,
Drive away the evil, be able to stand boldly.

(Pride)
Why do you think your capabilities exceed mine?
I made you strong, beautiful, a sort of oracle
How can you let your qualities overtake your sensful mind
You slipped and fell when so close to your pinacle

And do you honestly think you could ever win
Your black heart is broken and covered in sin

(Sloth)
I knew you would be able to find the easy way out
Always taking the glory while others kept up the slack
You teach man to look at a My great plan as hard work and doubt
I guess there's a special technique to sneaking through the crack

Sinner don't become a slacker, its not the better way
I know you think it's because your mind and body become tired
But you're spirit will be much stronger if you will to stay
It just seems like your youthful fire has been buried.

(Lust)
Numb to malicious appeal, anything can allure
Seeing my final creation's seductive nature
Woman by day, succubus by night, keep far from her
This sensual sin can only addictively mature

And do you see how anyone can give into this sin
How you've perverted the passionate drive I gave to men

(Wrath)
I understand why you are angry
Vengance is Mine, you deserve nothing
Your satisfaction will never be
So just stop all this fighting

So sinner, go ahead and make your choice
The laws of nature will subdue and you will learn
But maybe not, because you won't heed My voice
That's okay, go ahead, soon I will have my turn.

Yay for Write offs

Okay, so my ex bitched when I started to post my recants to his twisted series.... but he really has no place in telling me what to do or not to do... so I'm going to start again. I don't feel like talking about my life today. So here are my "write-off"'s, bitch. Go ahead and curse at me.

Love Slave -- Recant to Insevire Malus

Watching my beautiful, sinless Son in so much pain,
Knowing that soon I'll have no choice but to turn my back,
His body's covered in blood and mixing with the rain,
From My creation's hateful rage and brutal attack.

Not being able to stand the painful cries of His voice,
I covered my face, drearyness and darkness covered three hours.
The Son of Man suffered on the cross by His own choice,
Denying the angles' and Satan's offered powers.

The weight of sin bringing Me closer to humanity,
Like a virgin tasting her first lustful appeal
I start to understand addiction of profanity,
Giving up My life for this disease is so unreal.

The weight of agony causes My body to sink,
While I know I'll have to rise to take another breath,
Unable to keep thoughts from My need for a drink,
Or how some sinners will reject the gift of My death.

Unable to look upon Him, heaven is somber,
My angles lament and my temple's veil was rent.
Ignorant men realize they killed a Man of honor.
Too late... The Savior's spirit's gone and his body's spent.

The cross is now empty, My will is now complete.
My Son surrendered and He gave up the ghost to sink.
His death doesn't support escape from lies and deceit,
Christ was willing to die, not self as some might think.

The battle between My Beauty and My Son begins.
The obvious conqueror of the keys to Hades will win.
Why else would He suffer with the weight of human sins?
Satan's sole challenge now is to keep his grip on men.

Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee
Take away this cup from me
Nevertheless, not what I will, but what thou wilt
Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do

Eloi Eloi lam sabachtan
My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?
Eloi Eloi lam sabachtan
My God, My God why hast thou forsaken me?

Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.
It is Finished.

Having no money kinda sucks...

I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to pay a $184 cell phone bill. Don't ask.... This is going to be interesting. I paid thirty off today, haha. I'm thinking that maybe I can slowly deplete myself of money... then, I won't go into debt.... all I know is that the first of the month is going to be a shocking and rather difficult time for me. I'm glad ppl warned me about credit cards... b/c I really listend... or... didn't listen at all, actually. *sigh* At least this weekend is a two job pay day... instead of one. And, Oh... this will make a difference... I got a ten cents raise at ukrop's hahahaha.... ten cents? are they fucking insane?

I have the offer to move to the state I've always wanted to live in. Mind you, this isn't the first or second time, but third. If the opportunity has popped up that many times... why haven't I taken advantage of it before? I think I considered both times.... and now, I really want to go! I want to get away from here. I'm sick of everything restricting me here. As I've used the analogy before of a goldfish not developing to its fullest potential b/c it is confined to a small bowl, now I can't think of anything better then to break free from this place. And its not just about being anywhere but here. It's about being with someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I can only imagine true happiness with him. No, I haven't made my decision. You should know me better than that. I'm just *sigh* trying to point out that I'm an idiot if I don't do this... and then keep complaining about my present life. It's like this corny joke I hear all the time at my church.
"A man was in his house during a bad storm and the area was starting to flood. As the waters started to rise, he had to go to the second story of his house. He started praying earnestly that the Lord would rescue him. Two men in a rescue boat come by and tell him to get in, they will take him to safety. He replies, 'No thanks. My God will deliver me.' The waters continue to rise and he is forced to climb ontop his roof. A second boat comes by, and the same conversation takes place. Then men couldn't convince him to get on board. When the waters start to touch his feet, he is still praying that Lord will miraculously save his life. A helicopter hovers by and tells him, this is your last chance; you have to get on. The man still replies, 'No. I'm waiting on God to save me.' Of course, the man drowns to death." How idiotic. The joke continues on to say that the man goes to heaven, and asks God, "why didn't you save me?" God's reply is, "I sent you two boats and and a helicopter."
Okay, go ahead insert fake laugh here. But seriously... I think not only in my Christian walk, but also in my life decisions, I ignore the obvious good choices; only because I want things to be more complicated. Or something like that.... Everything has its purpose, and everything works for good.... So I'm not going to let people terrify me of making decisions because they might be the wrong ones. So what? I don't care which decision is right or wrong. I don't want to have to stress or worry over something like that. After all, no one really knows what will happen.
My dad thinks he does though. That is, know what will happen. He told me last night that he knows I'm going to get in some big trouble and he is going to have to bail me out. He is convinced that the way "I'm heading" is going to lead to destruction... whatever that means. I argued w/ my father for around an hour last night. It was horrible. Absolutely horrible. I came home from hanging out w/ mike... actually on time.... and sit down to talk to my mother. My dad is watching something on CNN about the presidential debate, which I'm sure he watched every bit of. Mom makes some statement about how my dad had said that we should all go vote together.... then making sojme joke about showing me who to vote for. I'm just like... ha, I'll have to try to clear my schedule. My father seemed to miss the joking part of that... He mumbles something about how he and my mother aren't important enough to make time for... Then he asks me if I even know who is running.
He was just trying to set me off, but I was calm. "
Yes, dad." Then he says... "well, do you even know what the issues are?"
"Yes, dad"
"So what is your opinion on them"
"I don't really feel like having a heated discussion with you right now. Not about politics. I will keep my opinion to myself."
He mumbles something and walks out of the room to get some ice water. My mom whispers to me, "He's just upset about how the debate went." Ugggg, so take it out on your daughter? As soon as he walked back in the room he started yelling at me. Screaming. It went from subject to subject in a blur. Mostly centered around the fact that I never talk to him. I try to explain to him that he's never home, and that I talk to my mother plenty. So then he starts getting on her case... Asking her questions... what does she know about mike... blah blah... he sits down for a while, asking me things about mike and then getting upset after every answer.... "how old is he?" "23" "WELL, I didn't know that. It's pretty disturbing that I have to find out things about you from other people. Strangers know my own daughter better than me." The subjects drifted from my consideration of college he didn't know about... to me "treating my house like a hotel"... to not coming home by my 10:30 curfew... apparantly I don't try or care. This is getting me upset... why did you guys let me rant so much? Haha, I guess you could stop me... I'm gonna go cool down now.

okay?

I'm still slightly weirded out that random people that know scott and jess are visiting my site. Um, what do you want from me?
And really, do I need to justify why I think that scott is talking about me? I mean, obviously I didn't say I knew that... so I'm not some conceited bitch, but the little boy does tell me often (last night, a few times he did) that he would move here if I asked him to. I just don't get why all of his friends have some kind of hate toward me. Actually, I think they all have hate in general. Btw, I'm pretty sure he didn't want you to tell me that he is moving to Alaska. It was supposed to be disappearing.... Way to go, idiot.

wow...

I am so confused about what I should do right now. I was looking on the site that keeps the stats for my site... just kind of looking about at things I normally don't pay attention to. There was this refererer I didn't recognize. Some xanga site. I had no clue what it was so I figured what the hell.... visit it. Its someone else's live journal. A jess... a jess from colorodo... ummm... My ex's ex.... or I suppose they aren't together. Um, she randomly has my site linked on of her posts. I don't know what that was about.... but that wasn't the upsetting thing. One of the linked live journals she had looked like a name scott would make. Well, no, it was one that he made... one of the titles to a poem he wrote. I visited it. I felt like I was invading his privacy. Looking at something that I hadn't been invited to do. His latest post

Tap a keg, man, we'll drink more beer, everyday is a brand new year -
Faceplant.

I get so high. Maybe it's from the marijuana,
I'm not sure. Maybe it's
Steph, that may be closer to the truth. I'm
high
right now, so it's hard to
really come to a conclusion. But I'm
enjoying
life, and will enjoy it more in a
month. Sometimes, life really
is
beautiful, you have things to look forward to.
Sometimes things work
out.
About goddamned time for me. But if my life was
leading me up to
this, then
there isn't a worry, it really feels like fate
sometimes. Or
maybe I'm just
high. I dunno, my mind may be smoky, and my lungs
hate
me, and my heart is
with someone far away, I'm a little stretched at the
moment, but I'll
live.

I'm just like ummm, am I steph? What is he talking about? What's going on. I wanted to read more.... I wanted to read everything on the damn site. Not overlook anything, but I stopped myself. Why dig deep into the past? Why expose myself to those emotions? I'm fucking happy now! I have a wonderful boyfriend (as of wednesday night, yay for mme! yay for us!). I just.... I can't stand the thought of not being able to reach him anymore. I have moved on. I am not going to let him get to me.... but.... I still care! I mean, he still means a lot to me. I'm just not willing to give him any of my heart. He had his chance.... or shall I say chances, since there has been chance over chance over chance.... and how many guys have I dropped for him? This time is different. I found someone who I truly can see myself with. Who I truly feel compatable with. Who I truly love.
uhhhh, should that whom? oh, who the fuck cares. You get my point! I"m going to call my man now.... b/c I miss him... I think he's busy... but I'm gonna call anyways, hehe.

Sleeping In Is Great

Ah, First day in a while I've gotten to sleep in. I think I was supposed to do something this morning, but it suddenly doesn't matter. I slept in till 10. I'm gonna go shower in a bit and get ready to do whatever I need to get done today. I was supposed to go to a VMI football game w/ one of my friends, but I really don't feel like being all rushed and everything. I'm "on call" at victoria's secret from 3-7, meaning I won't know if I have to work until 2. I hate that! How am I supposed to plan my day if I don't know if I have to work? grrrr. Anyways! Um, Life is actually good. I'm just trying to not let anything of my past rule over me right now. I think I'm mdoing a good job. Not that I haven't had any down minutes in the past week, but... facing them.... writing or just plain crying, has helped me overcome them. Well, my posts haven't been all that interesting lately.... I've just not been depressed or bored.... so... yeah, here I am. With basically nothing to say! Hehe, I'll post later I guess.

ah, its fun to be busy

wow, I have a lot I want to say... but um, negative 5 minutes to say it. I've been keeping busy as shit lately. It's been nice. I gotta run to work now though. Justdidn't want anything to think I was dead. hehe, I'll post next time I have a down day.... which might be friday morning.... unless I make plans... hehe, tootles

Its been a while

Ah, I've been so busy lately. It's been great though. I started my job at victoria's secret last monday while still working at the florist at ukrops. So my schedule has been becoming kind of hectic. I doubt I will be online the week of valentine's day at all... unless its to get online and talk about how fucking tired I am! hehe
I started dating sommeone.... If you had asked me last sunday I wouldn't of called it dating.... but yeah, we are! I don't really wanna babble about him on here... well, I do; but I won't.
Um, I decided not to go visit my ex on his birthday like I told him I could. He's just been an ass lately, and I'm sick of dealing w/ it. I've been staying so busy which has kept my mind off of him.
Um, I went to court yesterday and had my speeding ticket dropped on the account that I'll go to driving school which doens't sound like much fun.... but that's okay. I'm happy! I'm glad the police officer told the judge that I was polite, b/c I honestly don't think I was all that polite to him.
So yeah, that's what's going on of substance. Today I'm going to an volleyball activity at church... I mmight ask mike to go. He still hasn't woken up and its like... um.... 5 till 12. Well, I'm gonna go make my veggie dish for the get together.

argh, why does this thing mess up when I post twice in one day?

Another shitty day.... another shitty dollar

I worked open to close today. I'm tired. Sick of work... on a brighter note I'm off tommorow. I hate working the entired day by myself.... its so lonely and.... long.... and.... ug, tiresome. I had to get so much done today. Anyways, I'm whiny and stuff so I'll post later

(this was actually posted on the first.... damn blog template is fucked up... someone fix it :( )

I almost forgot

I will post about cutting all the fuck I want to. The only recent cuts I have right now are on my knuckles... its from saturday night. I wasn't going to post about them, but if you are going to bich about me talking about them... I fucking will.... b/c I'm fuckign rude like that. I got in an argument w/ my ex saturday night, what's new? I know a lot of you are thinking that. I was frustrated... upset.... pretty much crying liking a baby. I wanted to stop shaking on my bed... I couldn't stand being so weak. So... emotional. I dug thru my purse and found some new razor blades... I had taken them for work... no way we are going to use the whole box in the next 50 years, anyways. I precisely cut little x's on each of my knuckles. They are pretty, I think. The blood was pretty heavy for some reason.... but... the real reason I did it for... is more important than them being pretty or bleeding heavily. It made me feel numb. I stopped crying... I had control. Scott called me back and I could talk in a nice calm voice. It was.... empowering.
what I don't get is why.... a lil loss of blood is considered such a serious thing. I mean, come on, I cut myself on accident at work at least twice a week.... if you can't the lil knicks from random things.... at least 4 times a day. Anyways, the marks on my knuckles haven't healed too great b/c on sunday morning during church I was playing w/ them. I ran my nail inside the wound so that the bright blood would come gushing out again. I don't know why that was fascinating me.... but I did it too all ten knuckles.... Blood can be so pretty sometimes. It has such a deep, yet vibrant color. A color that, if were on a piece of paper w/ other colors... would be the focal point. It's beautiful how the human body stores these beautifully colored cells beneath our ugly flawed skin. Why do ppl think blood is grotesque? Is it b/c its foreign? Or is it b/c its a bodily fluid? hmmmm, I dunno. I still say its beautiful (for like the 80th time). Enough babbling... really going to bed now... maybe.

Real Life Bitching

*sigh* Once again, I have to talk about WHY I started this blog, but this time its not for myself its for a lovely blog reader. AHEM, I didn't start it for you. I started it for me... A place for me to release those stupid and random thoughts that I would rather not tell people in real life. I will not cater what I write to you. I'm not even going to try to make it more interesting for you. nor do I care if I have an audience. Do you see me going around to people.... "ready my blog" and batting my eyes, uh, no. Anyways, on w/ my bitching. That's what I'm doing today. Bitching. Bitching so that I don't go in a chat room or call up someone and be a bitch to them.
Yesterday was a shitty day. I woke up... and much to my dismay, the migraine from the night before was still there. I forced myself to go to the gym and swim laps. The old men (the only people there aroung that time) at the pool were looking at me funny. I couldn't figure out why. When I went back into the locker roomm my face was pale except for two bright red spots on my cheeks and the rest of my body was almost blue. It was odd... HAHA, I don't know what was up w/ that. Do you ever have random things like that happen to you? I felt fine.... except for the pounding headache... so I just continued my work out w/ a little bit of cardio and some back strengthening. I came home and got ready for work... late as always. Had to avoid the small children who were jumping up and down on my legs. I don't understand why children are so enthralled w/ me when I hardly pay the annoying little critters any attention. Work was okay... until the storm/tornado thing hit. Then I spent my time trying to catch the flying plants outside.... ah, such fun. As time passes, I find out the road I live on is closed due to flooding... then I find out that the road that leads to the road I live off of.. was blocked off w/ police men.... lovely, just lovely. With myy little car, It wouldn't be smart to go through flooded waters anyways, I would think. When I finally get off work... I try to find a route home that isn't blocked by police men. The 7 minute drive took about 45 minutes. Finally arriving at home, GUESS WHAT? The electricity is off. Oh yippy... I go to my room and light a bunch of candles so I can settle in with a good book. About an hour later, my dad comes in my room. Its about 10:15. He always has this look on his face when he's been sleeping. It doesn't matter when, if he woke up in the past 30 minutes... he has this look. Its scowling. Like someone just whacked his wife's head off w/ a dull axe. Like he not only wants to kill.... but there's a bit of psycho murder mode in his eyes. Okay, analysizing this waaaaay too much.
He grumbles, "what are you doing?"
"uh, reading, dad, what do you expect me to do? The electricity is off."
"I figured you would go to bed like everyoyne else has"
"Um, I can't go to sleep when I just got home from work"
"Well, blow out those candles, our fire alarm is broke"
Starting to get frustrated I reply, "Um, there isn't going to be a fire, b/c I'm right beside the candles. I'll see if the flame spreads. I don't have a flashlight, and I don't want mom to get mad at me for using up her battery."
"blow them out"
"I'll light themm as soon as you leave"
okay, yeah, I'm a bitch to him.... but my gracious. He doens't trust his 20 year old (20 in 17 days! :D) daughter to have lit candles in her room? I remember once... I had a lot of candles lit in my room... and I was reading a book out loud so I could concentrate.... He thougth I was having a saonce (um, yeah, don't have the slightest clue how to spell that). I just don't think my dad gets anything sometimes. But, we had a nice little argument.... where he finally decided to drop the matter of the candles... mostly b/c we had started to argue about bigger things... and he got sidetracked.
After finishing my book, I down some nyquill hoping for a well-slept night. I wake up around 6 and see a light at a close house on... and then I noticed the blinking stereo and alarm clock. Yay! electricity is back on... then I fall back asleep not awaking till around 9. When I wake up, I plug in my cell phone charger. Damn thing won't work. I start to get annoyed, turning my cell on and off and tring to make sure the plug and plug-in were secure. Then having a thought, I look over the my alarm clock. DAMNIT. Stupid electricity went off again. So, I go back to sleep. Around 10:30 I realize I should start looking for a place to take a shower, friends are either not home... or don't have enough water pressure to take a shower. blah, I would of taken a shower w/ low pressure at my house.... too bad we have a well. I went to the gym.... locker rooms were closed. So, yay for me, I get to wash off w/ a bottle of water and soap in the dark. Oh, and shave too, b/c the only thing I had to wear to work that wasn't incredibly wrinkled was a knee-length skirt. Try shaving and washing off w/ an 8 oz. bottle of water. It's not an easy task. Well, I go to work... hair amess... in a skirt... and I get all these damn complimments about my unruly curly hair. I smile pleasantly, "thanks," and try to return a compliment. It annoys me how ppl feel the need to compliment youwhen you look different. So yeah.... my last complaint for tonight will be.... work sucked. As soon as my floral manager left... the managers in the front end made mem start helping them out. Grrrrr, I didn'th ave time for it, but I couldn't tell them no... well, I tried... but it didn't work. So now, when I open up shop in the morning... I'm going to have a million things to get done.... It's going to be great fun! And the best part.... I'll prolly still have my migraine. I think it's time for me to down some more nyquill. Sweet dreams to all..... and to all a good night.

lurking in the shadows

Do you know anyone who makes chills go down your spine? I do. I live with him. My father's presense in a room mmakes me nervous. I was sitting in the kitchen eating a late dinner, and he came in. I can't stand being home when he's here. He was getting a glass of chocolate milk. I don't know if he notcied me.... I closed my eyes hoping that it made me invisble. I heard him talking to my mmother about something... and as the voice drifted farther and farther away, I began to exhale. The moment had passed and I didn't have to make eye contact w/him. something about those cold, emotionless eyes makes me quiver. something about him, in general does. My father has never hit me... or even made a convincing threat to. I just am terrified of the man. He went back into the family room, where he still sits, and before long, i could hear him yelling something about a stupid referee. He's still yelling. He is in the room beside me. I didn't have to build up much courage to walk from mthe kitchen into here, b/c he is enthralled w/ his football game. I'm sure he didn't notice me. I just have to keep my music loud enough to drown out his voice. It scares me. I have to b quiet when I walk to the other room. I have to lurk in the shadows.

Pity Party

Out of all the evanescence fans, which is a large portion of Americans, I wonder how many can relate to these lyrics. Literally, personally, emotionally, the song linked is like... Everything I'm feeling right now. The tears, the blood, the decieving, the screams... where has it gotten me? I return to my same thought process and my same emotions. I spend my days pining oveer a life that I can only wish for. Pining for the easy way. What was so hard for me in the past... seems like the easiest way now. Why did I have to be so immature then? Too immature to deal w/ what was going on. Why do I have to be so immature now? Too immature to deal w/ what is going on. It's like my life is one step ahead of me. Once the opportunities I'm not taking now disappear, I know that I will be able to deal w/ them. Too late... fuck that... You live You learn.. and then you fucking hate yourself. You hate your weakness. Your incapabilties. Your lack of mmotivation.
To avoid dealing w/ the problems at hand, I make other problems. Ones that I can have control over, but I don't want them to go away until its safe. Until its safe for me to not have to deal with reality. And why should I have to? Why should I have to deal with shit? Somedays I wonder where I would be right now if I had become a people pleaser. I probably would be better off. I'm taking the hard road now though.... Its my path of choice... I just need a kick in the ass to get moving sometimes