I almost forgot

I will post about cutting all the fuck I want to. The only recent cuts I have right now are on my knuckles... its from saturday night. I wasn't going to post about them, but if you are going to bich about me talking about them... I fucking will.... b/c I'm fuckign rude like that. I got in an argument w/ my ex saturday night, what's new? I know a lot of you are thinking that. I was frustrated... upset.... pretty much crying liking a baby. I wanted to stop shaking on my bed... I couldn't stand being so weak. So... emotional. I dug thru my purse and found some new razor blades... I had taken them for work... no way we are going to use the whole box in the next 50 years, anyways. I precisely cut little x's on each of my knuckles. They are pretty, I think. The blood was pretty heavy for some reason.... but... the real reason I did it for... is more important than them being pretty or bleeding heavily. It made me feel numb. I stopped crying... I had control. Scott called me back and I could talk in a nice calm voice. It was.... empowering.
what I don't get is why.... a lil loss of blood is considered such a serious thing. I mean, come on, I cut myself on accident at work at least twice a week.... if you can't the lil knicks from random things.... at least 4 times a day. Anyways, the marks on my knuckles haven't healed too great b/c on sunday morning during church I was playing w/ them. I ran my nail inside the wound so that the bright blood would come gushing out again. I don't know why that was fascinating me.... but I did it too all ten knuckles.... Blood can be so pretty sometimes. It has such a deep, yet vibrant color. A color that, if were on a piece of paper w/ other colors... would be the focal point. It's beautiful how the human body stores these beautifully colored cells beneath our ugly flawed skin. Why do ppl think blood is grotesque? Is it b/c its foreign? Or is it b/c its a bodily fluid? hmmmm, I dunno. I still say its beautiful (for like the 80th time). Enough babbling... really going to bed now... maybe.