I hate myself.... and I mean that in the truest form of attention seeking.

The one thing that always stuck in my mind when we first met was that you noticed a hurting side of me no one else had ever seen. It was always out there for people to see, but no one wanted to admit it first to themselves and then second address me about it. You would have done anything so that I wouldn't hurt myself. You barely knew me then....
Now, you've learned so much about me and grown so close...
You know that you shouldn't leave me in a house by myself when I'm this upset.
You know that I didn't want you to leave. You told me that.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here.
I tell myself day after day t hat I've recovered.... but what form of recovery can only exist when others are around?
I guess I'll be sleeping in my car outside your house again.... I just can't stay here.
Too many angry thoughts cover this house.
I just wanted to be close to you tonight.... but then again, I wanted it to be exactly what I had in mind.
We're both stubborn. Difference is, I'm psychotic.
Now I realize it didn't HAVE to be my way.
I just wanted it to be my way for once.... for one time.
No one can or has ever made me so mad that I threw a foot rest (saying foot rest b/c I have no fucking clue how to spell what its really called, haha).
I don't think anyone has made me so mad that I couldn't contain myself. Maybe my father... but no, I think I've always felt in control of those arguments.
Right now, I just don't know what to do.
Maybe you'll peek out your window at me.... I hope it doesn't get down to freezing tonight.... this is going to suck.

Bitter Blood -- Recipe of Ruin

Empty House

I just got off from hectic Ukrop's a little bit ago. It was fun.... day before thanksgiving.... grocery store.... well, I'm sure you can imagine. I'm exhausted.... sinking into depression b/c of the cold, or maybe it's just that time of the month. All I know is that there isn't much I want to do. I don't feel well, and leaving the house requires walking in the bitter cold to my car. I heard it is snowing in west virginia, which is where I'm going tommorow for thanksgiving. Looking forward to seeing family, not looking forward to seeing any white fluffy stuff. My parents are already in west virginia so I get the house tonight.... minus them and plus mike. You would think t hat w ould put me in an ecstaticly happy mood; and, don't get me wrong, I'm excited to see him. I just don't feel like doing much. Thought about inviting a friend over to pass the time before he c an get here.... but haven't done anything else but think about it. Was supposed to be helping a friend move right now..... but decided to do laundry and sit around instead.
Well, Happy Thanksgiving everyone.... be safe.

I don't think i've been

I don't think i've been online in a while. I won't get a chance to for a while. Just sitting in church trying to stay awake. I don't know how i'm going to work until after midnight. I have a lot of hours this week. Sucks. . .

Recurring thoughts

I'm feeling exactly how I did when I posted this over a year ago.

Sunday Morning

Sunday mornings never actually go by plan. Most I don't even have a plan. I slept in my car outside mike's house last night. I wasn't welcomed inside.... I drove all over richmond last night... playing the game of avoid-hitting-wasted-lil-people.... for about an hour..... then I drove back to his house, found out I wasn't welcomed and made myself c omfortable in my car. It was odd... but I don't feel liek going into detail.
I should be showering for church. I actually should of been doing that about 20 minutes ago when I got home... but I'm still sitting here....
So, I definitely can tell who posts a comment even if you don't leave your name. I'm good like that. I just wanted to let everyone know. Don't try to be sneaky..... b/c I'm watching you. hahaha. Okay, not trying to scare you. Just letting you know.... b/c you could get on here and post something really mean.... and think I won't know it's you, but then I'll have to come kill y ou with your girlfriend's red shoes.


I found this in my car, amongst the two bags full of trash.... and a large amount of shoes, clothes, lady bug wings, and other such junk.... thought I would post it. don't even remember when I wrote it. I guess a few months ago. Maybe longer. I d on't think it has a title. I apparantly wasn't in a good mood..... what's new.

A loss of words that is ever so overcoming:
A piercing stab to the heart that is numbing.
Look at the crimson blood that will not stop its flooding.
Feel this hatred of the heart; see that it is budding.
Searching b/c I need a different hiding place,
Not being able to stand my horridly scarred face,
Always questioning my personal value and rights,
Not knowing how to stop all our long nights of fights.
Laying awake in the mid of solitary darkness,
Wondering if my emotions could be a sickness,
Waking up just to confirm my angry solitude,
Hatred for the feeling that continues to ensue,
Dreaming that the the future loneliness will come quickly,
Slumbering late to avoid how life makes me sickly,
Knowing that i will be the only person to blame-
The only person to blame for this tortured life claim.
Making myself to be my one and only sinful savior,
All that is needed is a slight change in behavior.
So watch me now as I try to rehabilitate.
You'll see, keep watching, some day, I promise, I'll meet my fate.
For now, just keep tearing my pathetic life apart.
When you're ready, I hope you've left a piece of my heart.

This better work this time

Sometimes I get really mad at blogger.com. Lot's of cool features to my blog.... but it makes me very very angry when I spend a good 5 minutes typing up something and then it doesn't post. I c ould be doing better things then sitting on my butt in front of my computer.
I'm waiting for my sweetie t o come over a nd change my oil.... i t's later than I expected him (as always). I should be showering or cooking h is dinner... or something productive but.... yeah, I'm not. Just playing free cell.... losing, uncharacteristically (I think I made up that word.... way t oo many syllables).
Yeah, I've had some psycho moments r ecently. Mike and I definitely had a huge fight monday night. He said pretty much the worst thing he could possibly say to me. I hurt him physically pretty much the worst I could.... actually, it was the w orse. I was hitting him like he was my attacker. I d on't know what really stopped me.... maybe when I realized he wasn't going to let me leave and it was pointless to hit him... or maybe when I saw that I had made him bleed. Nonetheless, our arguments seem to get w orse.... but t he making up is getting sweeter. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I think t hat they should just stop. I hate being the couple at every party/get together that is fighting. Monday night.... both of us had been slightly intoxicated, but this argument w as much later after we had been sobered up. Can't blame the alcohol on our psychotic behaivor. It's so weird how we can be so abusive and then the next day doing everything possible for each other. *sigh* well.. it's getting late... I should do something productive