Talk about being bored.... you probably can't even see the flower b/c I went a little crazy with all the editting, hehe

Unquenchable Goals

Desire has indestructible permeance. Desire is inextinguishable
-- Jacques Lacan

There is something fundamentally insatiable about being human, as though we come into the world with ome kind of built-in tension between the experience of being hungry, which is a condition of striving and yearning, and the experience of being fed, which may offer temporary satisfaction but always gives way to new strivings, new yearnings. Once satisfied, the goal always tends to lead to another goal, and then another and another.

And the thoughts return

Last night, I found myself wanting something I haven't wanted in quite a while... to be light headed. To be able to wake up this morning nauseated. To have a completely empty stomache so that the gnawing feels good. To have it feel like the cool wind in a runner's face, reassuring me that I am moving forward. That my mind (instead of body) is trained. Not only did I want the hunger headaches and weakness, but also the control and strength. They all factor into the content woman I want to become -- broken free from compulsion and desire, settling for one extreme rather than the other. Undereating instead of overeating. That is what, before all the attention and analyzing, I instinctively did. Why overlavish myself for all the world to see when any one can do that. If I have to be fat or thin, why not choose the more challenging path? I know I can do both, but lately I haven't been strict. I can't just break my diet and eat the breadticks with my salad, and order the fattening pasta, and then when they are passing around the dessert dishes, take bite after bite, unlike the women to the left and right of me who passed on. I have to do all or none. I have to overstuff or undersatisfy. I'm more happy when I don't have to live with the regret of the half pound I gained. The scale generally determines my mood for the day. Today it says I lost three and a half pounds, but I can't be too happy.... I need to figure out how to double t hat.... lose 7 pounds today. I don't know what brought on all this. Whether it's b/c its getting warm and almost bathing suit weather. I'm way to fat to be wearing a bikini..... or maybe b/c my parents are dieting and me eating while they restrict just seems unnatural. I don't know.... it could be a number of things.... Just time for me to get on with my day.

How often do you find a webpage that describes what you are thinking exactly?

..... weird

I feel like shit, and my dad is driving me insane. I'm sick of arguing with them. I can not wait until they leave in the morning. I will have the house to myself until Sunday of next week. Or.... hopefully not to myself.... but parent-free... hehe

"kind of poorly, kind of not"

Um, so tuesday went kind of poorly, kind of not. The actual day itself... sucked... b/c I spent from 9am-8pm scared/bored, and then after 8 just plain pissed out that they wouldn't let me out of the fucking jail that they had put me in after my case. I was supposed to get out at 8. You just don't realize how much every second extra seems like an eternity. It's worse then when you are supposed to get off work and can't gt out on time.... Eh, I'm too tired to tell you all my adventures... basically, mike was a sweetheart during it all. He took care of telling my parents, driving my car home and then picked me up and took mme out to eat afterwards. Tuesday, my day off, was spent in jail.... so I'm still exhausted and I think I"mm going to bed very soon, but I might be able to write more.... since I have a "restricted" license.... I work a lot... but work is the only place I can drive too... so I have a feeling I'm mgoing to be home a lot more.

Energized? what's that...

I'mm pretty sure I haven't had but one day off in the past 3 weeks... The only day I have off this week is tuesday.... court day.... I'm so scared.... I haven't even talked to my lawyer about the case... like, at all. Whoops. I have so much shit to get done tommorow. It sucks. Everything just kinda sucks right now. I just need a vacation. I wish I were going with my parents to see my sister in pensacola... although I will enjoy the time I get here without them.... I know I'll be working constantly. It's not just that I work every day.... it seems like I work all day most days.... its just.... grrrr.... and then there's the factor that mike and I keep having arguments. It's stressful b/c I want to be with him... but it always seems like there isn't a thing I can do to stop our arguments. A girlfriend she able to stop those.... I just can't rationalize a lot. Like, why be jealous when I am talking to one of my girlfriends about a middle school crush? It's just.... argh, I don't know. Somedays, I feel like all I am to him is a comparison. Not an actual person, just a jan doe... that fits the profile... fits a profile of someone I'm not. I think I'm getting to confusing and talking way to deep into this. I'm just sad, basically. Sad that I can't keep him happy and sad that I don't know how to get over this trust issue. If there were boundries it would be understandable.... but how can I keep the boundries that he doesn't? If he's going to talk about his past, I amm too; and I think that is a completely healthy thing... ~sigh~ I'm going to go shower now... didn't have the energy to get up this morning and do that.

Flower Shop = Dangerous Job?... haha

I'm apparantly a bad luck charm. Two people from work have had to go to the hospital b/c of something they did while I was standing near by. One sliced her hand on a piece of glass and the other fell 10 ft down a ladder. Yeah, I've been warning everyone to stay away from me.
This week is crazy... 60 some hours... and I'd like to talk to the person that decided it would b funny to make mme have my period this week, as if I'm not stressed. Yeah, it made me really sick last night. I don't think I've ever vomitted when I had my period. It was weird... it's also weird that my side hurts like it did when I had an ovarian cyst... that's never happened before either. I don't know what's going on....
I'm pretty much not getting to see my sweetie at all this week. It sucks. Wednesday I worked 7:30-6:45 at Ukrop's and then went straight to church. Um, today I worked 8:30-1 at Vs then 1:30-9:15 at Ukrop's. Tommorow I'm working 7:30-4 then 5-10:30 (or later...), and then saturday 8-4:30 then 6-10:30 (or later...) at Vs. So.... yeah, busy lil girl.... maybe I'll get to see mike between some of those shifts :) .... On sunday, I'm working in between going to morning and evening church... and then on Vday I'm mworking 12:10. I'm just like... I'm going to need a vacation after all this.... and sadly, I'm not even going to have all the money I need... ~sigh~
I think I'm done bitching now.... I feel a little better.....

Life Doesn't Always Go On...

It's been a while since I've posted.

My grandfather passed away a few days before the new year.
I got a speeding ticket for 91/65.
I have to pay for a lawyer.
I helped pay for damages to my car during the snow/ice storm.
I'm broke.

Um, mike....if my tagboard weren't fucked up... I would reply, but I don't know what you posted...... I love you. :)

Every Encounter

Lust is wanting every encounter to end in sex, love is wanting every encounter to never end.

I've had a bad day. I don't want to get into it... maybe some other day. Today, I'm going to set out to disprove myself. This is a letter I don't understand. It shows a side of my father I've never physically seen before. It exists on this paper I hold. He was basically asked to write it for a project I had in school... so don't think it's too sweet. I suppose he meant it, and I suppose it was nice of him. I just can't make it change my opinion of him. Maybe it will yours.

January 6, 2000

Dear Stephanie,

My first impression of you started long before you were born. Since your sister was born 3 weeks before her due date and because the doctor told us that the second baby usually comes earlier, we started expecting you 4 weeks before you were actually born. We kept praying and waiting, praying and waiting, and praying and waiting, but still no Stephanie. Finally on the day after your due date, you decided to join us. It seems like even today, we are always waiting on Stephanie. We knew that day that God had blessed us with a very special gift from heaven; that you would have a mind of your own; that you would do things in your own time and at your own speed.

My ambition for you was very simple. It wasn't that you be a doctor or lawyer or even an engineer some day, but that you would be healthy and happy; that you would accept Christ as your own personal Savior at a young ange and some day serve Him faithfully in what area he would call you. My ambitions for you today remains the same along with some new ones; that you would take advantage of the opportunity you have in getting a good education at Landmark Christian School, some day going to a christian college to further your education and some day in the far future meeting the mate that God would have you marry.

My advice to you today would be:

1. Seek to put Christ in everything you do
2. Treat others like you would want to be treated
3. Be thankful for the things and opportunities that are given you

Love you, your dad

--

you would think that if you were dating someone.... you would have a desire to see them.

Life Goes On

Well, its been a while. I've been busy lately. Um, basically, I'm doing very well. I have a wonderful boyfriend whom, for some reason I can't fathom, I am still with. We went on a trip to west virginia on thanksgiving day. It was weird... I went to see my grandfather who had had one of his three open heart surgeries done. I thought that I would be able to go while my mom or someone else was there, but it was jut mike and I. I am so glad he went with me b/c he can pretty much talk anytime... and I had no clue what to say to my grandfather. But yeah... that week was good. My parents went up there before me and came back after... so mike and I got to spend some quality time together without my parents breathing down my neck to be on home on time.... that and I got to wake up next to him.... something I had mentioned I missed doing in my last post. My grandfather is doing okay now. He had a leaky valve in his heart and the first surgery they went in and repaired it. That didn't work so they had to re-operate and replace the valve, then they went back in again to clean everything up. My mom was out of town a lot of the past month to be with my grandparents, but she's back now and we are starting getting ready for christmas... Something I'm not financially stable for yet. I pretty much know that I'm going to have a transaction bounce on monday.... unless I can find 5 or 6 dollars in change somewhere. I really don't want to borrow money from anyone else right now... I feel like I'm just digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole. Anyways, enough of the depressing stressful stuff. Life is good... if only mike would call me today. I was going to fix him some food since I doubt he's had much to eat today. He's just as broke as I am..... but I don't know where he is so I don't know if he would even be able to eat it. ~sigh~ I guess I can just hope I'll hear from him before I go to work. Until then... life will go on...

Another Cold Day

I miss the warm air of Florida. I miss waking up beside the one I love. I miss being actually excited about what I'm going to do today. I honestly want to go back down there right now. I can't wait another day. Oh well, I guess you bundle up and put that lovely smile on your face. You know, the fake one that anyone that works in sales knows about.... and go on with the day. I'll just keep in the back of my mind that I'm going to be down there soon.

Try Not To Miss Me Too Much

YAY! In less than 5 hours I will be on my way to South Carolina with Mike! :) Then... tommorow... I'm going to be on my way to West Palm Beach. Who's excited for me? hehe. I'm so excited. I'm going to have so much fun.... and I'm so excited that I get to spend all this time with mike with out having to worry about making it to work on time... or making curfew. It's going to be great. Have I mentioned I'm excited? Okay, well, I haven't finished packing... and I gotta get ready for church. Just thought I would share while I was printing out my bank statement. I'll be back on Friday, and I can be reached on my mobile yahoo id: peppersquat while I am there.

Yay for write-offs IV

Malicious Muse -- Recant to Suicide Seraphim

Leader of all rebeillion
Originator of uin
Endless hatred from your veins
Wanting to be He who reigns
What a sad creature you've become
Bloody tears when you're sullen
Turn into falmes when provoked
Shot off when your heart is choked
Or feel that false betrayal
You were that one unloyal
The one who started all this
The one who wanted all this
I watched you prowl about the earth
Laughing during a new sin's birth
You though you were so clever
Thinking you'd reign forever
Why don't you give up, sinner
You know who is the "winner"
Don't fool yourself with all this
You won't betray with a kiss
That has already happened
Your plan hasn't strengthened
Go ahead and try defeat
See if you can take the heat
Gather up all your followers
Make them think they are heroes
The end of you will soon come

Isaiah 14:12-19
How art thour fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!
For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God : I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation in the sides of the north:
I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High.
Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit.
They that see thee shall narrowly look upon thee, and consider thee, saying, Is this the man that made the earth to tremble, that did shake kingdoms;
That made the world as a wilderness and destroyed the cities thereof; that opened not the house of his prisoners?
All the kings of the nations, even all of them, lie in glory, everyone in his own house.
But thou art cast out of thy grave like an abominable branch, and as the rainment of those that are slain, thrust through with a sword, that go down to the stones of the pit; as a carcase trodden under feet.

Yay for write-offs III

Do You -- Recant to And I

Think about what you have done, are you satisfied
Have you found happiness, know the meaning of joy
You still don't want peace even after My Son died
And you keep trying to convince that they're My toy

Free will's only fault is man's inconsistency
(Why can't they make the right choice)
It's hard to choose between pleasure and decency
(When you're drawn by Satan's voice)

And do you realize, how you've currupted my universe--
How they worship you -- oh, how the have accepted your curse

And do you wish you could change this being who you have become --
An angel who has turned to a demon of insane reason

You are My only regret
You are My saddest angel
You are creator of sin debt
You are the ultimate rebel

And do you live and die for anything but your own gain
Have you tried to carry the burden of another's pain?

And do you care, you will always be defeated
Have you noticed where the Savior's seated?

Do you forsee what was always meant to be
Do you prophesy that which is known a lie
Do you agree whether you will be the key
Do you cry beacuse your chances have passed by?

My heart aches to see you thi way
Doom's the only future you're meant
But for your deceit you must pay
So your failure comes with torment
I've given hope to so many
All you have given comems with pain:
Hate, Heresy, Hypocrisy
My love you won't ever attain

You are the fearful cherubim
You are the beast I'll overthrow
You are the master of all sin
You are prince of an earthly show.

In Loving Memory of Joyce C. Tony P. Charles R.

I've said before. I'm not very good at this. Mourning... I just can't stand to think about... two widows... a widower... how sad can that be? What do you say..... what do you think. *sigh* These three ppl are ones I have known to pass away in the past 3 weeks due to cancer. All three leave behind many family memmbers. They would appreciate your prayers.

Yay for write-offs II

this is the one that I've posted before... and then took off at scott's request.

Sinner Don't -- Recant to "Please God"

Sinner don't leave again, put up a wall, shun, disobey
I'm still waiting for you to change your mind, love me again
The only reason you'll get close is to lead more astray
Take them, they'll lose hope. If not instrust your demons to mame.

Do you only come back when you're ready to attack
You're face will be bruised black from my one defensive smack

Creating sins my creations could never imagine
Until they learn and create in the same fashion

(gluttony)
Didn't I give you enough, ruler over the heavens
Prerequisite for world rulers, power is easy to intake
You pass this ailment on to man: a line of addiction sins
Destroy all in you path, break promises, love life, intoxicate

Sinner don't need, it will only lead to greed
Give me your burden, I promise you won't lack
Those who learn to stop this disease are a aspecial breed--
The won't bring heaven against me when I turn my back.

(Envy)
Destroyoing your life b/c you don't understand
Thinking your need could never less than other's
Covetting my aptibility, yearning to expand,
Wishing to feel the intimacy of lovers.

And do you want a worthless kingdom like this
To have control of demons in an abyss

(Greed)
Lascivious of the blood of your prey
Desiring for the simple reason of desiring
You can't control the need to disobey
But the unsatisfaction never becomes tiring

Sinner don't need, it will only lead to destruction.
Starve malicious hunger; strive to be holy
Being content is the only way to beat this affliction,
Drive away the evil, be able to stand boldly.

(Pride)
Why do you think your capabilities exceed mine?
I made you strong, beautiful, a sort of oracle
How can you let your qualities overtake your sensful mind
You slipped and fell when so close to your pinacle

And do you honestly think you could ever win
Your black heart is broken and covered in sin

(Sloth)
I knew you would be able to find the easy way out
Always taking the glory while others kept up the slack
You teach man to look at a My great plan as hard work and doubt
I guess there's a special technique to sneaking through the crack

Sinner don't become a slacker, its not the better way
I know you think it's because your mind and body become tired
But you're spirit will be much stronger if you will to stay
It just seems like your youthful fire has been buried.

(Lust)
Numb to malicious appeal, anything can allure
Seeing my final creation's seductive nature
Woman by day, succubus by night, keep far from her
This sensual sin can only addictively mature

And do you see how anyone can give into this sin
How you've perverted the passionate drive I gave to men

(Wrath)
I understand why you are angry
Vengance is Mine, you deserve nothing
Your satisfaction will never be
So just stop all this fighting

So sinner, go ahead and make your choice
The laws of nature will subdue and you will learn
But maybe not, because you won't heed My voice
That's okay, go ahead, soon I will have my turn.

Yay for Write offs

Okay, so my ex bitched when I started to post my recants to his twisted series.... but he really has no place in telling me what to do or not to do... so I'm going to start again. I don't feel like talking about my life today. So here are my "write-off"'s, bitch. Go ahead and curse at me.

Love Slave -- Recant to Insevire Malus

Watching my beautiful, sinless Son in so much pain,
Knowing that soon I'll have no choice but to turn my back,
His body's covered in blood and mixing with the rain,
From My creation's hateful rage and brutal attack.

Not being able to stand the painful cries of His voice,
I covered my face, drearyness and darkness covered three hours.
The Son of Man suffered on the cross by His own choice,
Denying the angles' and Satan's offered powers.

The weight of sin bringing Me closer to humanity,
Like a virgin tasting her first lustful appeal
I start to understand addiction of profanity,
Giving up My life for this disease is so unreal.

The weight of agony causes My body to sink,
While I know I'll have to rise to take another breath,
Unable to keep thoughts from My need for a drink,
Or how some sinners will reject the gift of My death.

Unable to look upon Him, heaven is somber,
My angles lament and my temple's veil was rent.
Ignorant men realize they killed a Man of honor.
Too late... The Savior's spirit's gone and his body's spent.

The cross is now empty, My will is now complete.
My Son surrendered and He gave up the ghost to sink.
His death doesn't support escape from lies and deceit,
Christ was willing to die, not self as some might think.

The battle between My Beauty and My Son begins.
The obvious conqueror of the keys to Hades will win.
Why else would He suffer with the weight of human sins?
Satan's sole challenge now is to keep his grip on men.

Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee
Take away this cup from me
Nevertheless, not what I will, but what thou wilt
Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do

Eloi Eloi lam sabachtan
My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?
Eloi Eloi lam sabachtan
My God, My God why hast thou forsaken me?

Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.
It is Finished.

Having no money kinda sucks...

I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to pay a $184 cell phone bill. Don't ask.... This is going to be interesting. I paid thirty off today, haha. I'm thinking that maybe I can slowly deplete myself of money... then, I won't go into debt.... all I know is that the first of the month is going to be a shocking and rather difficult time for me. I'm glad ppl warned me about credit cards... b/c I really listend... or... didn't listen at all, actually. *sigh* At least this weekend is a two job pay day... instead of one. And, Oh... this will make a difference... I got a ten cents raise at ukrop's hahahaha.... ten cents? are they fucking insane?