And the thoughts return

Last night, I found myself wanting something I haven't wanted in quite a while... to be light headed. To be able to wake up this morning nauseated. To have a completely empty stomache so that the gnawing feels good. To have it feel like the cool wind in a runner's face, reassuring me that I am moving forward. That my mind (instead of body) is trained. Not only did I want the hunger headaches and weakness, but also the control and strength. They all factor into the content woman I want to become -- broken free from compulsion and desire, settling for one extreme rather than the other. Undereating instead of overeating. That is what, before all the attention and analyzing, I instinctively did. Why overlavish myself for all the world to see when any one can do that. If I have to be fat or thin, why not choose the more challenging path? I know I can do both, but lately I haven't been strict. I can't just break my diet and eat the breadticks with my salad, and order the fattening pasta, and then when they are passing around the dessert dishes, take bite after bite, unlike the women to the left and right of me who passed on. I have to do all or none. I have to overstuff or undersatisfy. I'm more happy when I don't have to live with the regret of the half pound I gained. The scale generally determines my mood for the day. Today it says I lost three and a half pounds, but I can't be too happy.... I need to figure out how to double t hat.... lose 7 pounds today. I don't know what brought on all this. Whether it's b/c its getting warm and almost bathing suit weather. I'm way to fat to be wearing a bikini..... or maybe b/c my parents are dieting and me eating while they restrict just seems unnatural. I don't know.... it could be a number of things.... Just time for me to get on with my day.