wow...

I am so confused about what I should do right now. I was looking on the site that keeps the stats for my site... just kind of looking about at things I normally don't pay attention to. There was this refererer I didn't recognize. Some xanga site. I had no clue what it was so I figured what the hell.... visit it. Its someone else's live journal. A jess... a jess from colorodo... ummm... My ex's ex.... or I suppose they aren't together. Um, she randomly has my site linked on of her posts. I don't know what that was about.... but that wasn't the upsetting thing. One of the linked live journals she had looked like a name scott would make. Well, no, it was one that he made... one of the titles to a poem he wrote. I visited it. I felt like I was invading his privacy. Looking at something that I hadn't been invited to do. His latest post

Tap a keg, man, we'll drink more beer, everyday is a brand new year -
Faceplant.

I get so high. Maybe it's from the marijuana,
I'm not sure. Maybe it's
Steph, that may be closer to the truth. I'm
high
right now, so it's hard to
really come to a conclusion. But I'm
enjoying
life, and will enjoy it more in a
month. Sometimes, life really
is
beautiful, you have things to look forward to.
Sometimes things work
out.
About goddamned time for me. But if my life was
leading me up to
this, then
there isn't a worry, it really feels like fate
sometimes. Or
maybe I'm just
high. I dunno, my mind may be smoky, and my lungs
hate
me, and my heart is
with someone far away, I'm a little stretched at the
moment, but I'll
live.

I'm just like ummm, am I steph? What is he talking about? What's going on. I wanted to read more.... I wanted to read everything on the damn site. Not overlook anything, but I stopped myself. Why dig deep into the past? Why expose myself to those emotions? I'm fucking happy now! I have a wonderful boyfriend (as of wednesday night, yay for mme! yay for us!). I just.... I can't stand the thought of not being able to reach him anymore. I have moved on. I am not going to let him get to me.... but.... I still care! I mean, he still means a lot to me. I'm just not willing to give him any of my heart. He had his chance.... or shall I say chances, since there has been chance over chance over chance.... and how many guys have I dropped for him? This time is different. I found someone who I truly can see myself with. Who I truly feel compatable with. Who I truly love.
uhhhh, should that whom? oh, who the fuck cares. You get my point! I"m going to call my man now.... b/c I miss him... I think he's busy... but I'm gonna call anyways, hehe.