~sigh~ This day seems so useless. I succeeded in what... sitting on my ass.. getting in an argument scott... being at church for 3 hours... hm, yeah, I prolly was only paying attention 25% of that time.
On a happier note, I love the new pink cd! Hehe, I"m listening to it right now. Its great, I haven't gotten to listen to the whole thing yet, but yeah, I'm sure I'm gonna like all of it. Today I've had a caesar salad and a biscuit. I feel really fat though. I wish that I could start over.... skip that stupid period of my life where I ate so much. I want a new body... I would do it right this time. Oh well, thats what life is about, isn't it. Decisions and consequences... guess I"m just gonna have to deal with it.

Church was boring and now I"m arguing w/ my ex... ain't life grand? I gained a half pound yesterday.... and all I ate was french fries... I guess I'm just doomed to be fat.
argh, why do I always tell scott (my ex) all my emotions and everything on my mind.... he fucking laughed at me. He never tells me anything. I feel so desperate right now.... I feel so stupid.

Ack, I'm up way too early. Hehe, my new habit is to take nyquill at night. When it wears off, I'mm like wide awake. This is probably going to become a very bad habit.... and an expensive one. :| Oh well, I'm sick right now so I can take them until I get over this.
Yesterday was a good day. I only had green tea until I went out to eat w/ my friends around 9:30. I just ordered a basket of french fries at applebee's. I probably ate too many, but I guess thats okay since its the only thing I had all day.... well, that green tea and coffee. I haven't weighed in yet.... but when I do I'll decide if I can eat today or not. Blah, Its hard finding ways to avoid that "sunday family togetherness meal".... maybe i can get by w/ just getting a salad.
I'm so excited about mmy trip to Florida! I just have to work tommorow and then tuesday. Then its off to Pensacola for 5 days. I'm not going to enjoy the traveling.... but it will be worth it for for five straight days off work.
I think I'm gonna work on my lame ass webpage now.... yeah, the one I've spent like a total of five minutes on. I'm gonna have to go get ready for church soon though.

When I was walking outside yesterday, I saw my shadow... this distorted view of me. For some reason, the way I was standing in the sun, my arms looked stick thin. It looked right. I just wish I could be that thin. OKay, its not if I could... because I AM capable of it. I'm going to get thinner. I'm so fat now. I want to be able to touch my middle finger and thumb around my upper arm. I want to fit back into those clothes in my closent that I often question why I keep. I want so much, but I hardly work for it.
No food today.
I'm going to ignore the growling... I'm going to go out during supper time. I'm going to drink green tea on my break at work. I can do it.... I just have to remember.... for every indulgence of my past, there must be a lack of indulgence in the future. I'm never going to lose enough weight if I keep on eating when I say I'm not going to. We'll see what happens...

My Enemy

Okay, so... I'm starting this blog. It's posted nowhere... maybe I'll put it on one of my profiles or something. I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't think I care if anyone ever reads it though. It's just a place where I can sit down and write out my thoughts. Writing in a notebook doesn't seem to do anything for me anymore. It seems so limited. Like, I'm talking to someone who doesn't exist. Now I'm talking to a computer.... hm, yeah, that doesn't really make me feel much better. Maybe someday someone will be bored out of their mind and read this. Maybe not.
Today, I'm so bored. I have a bunch of crap I need to get done.... but I just don't feel motivated. My best friend is supposed to come over later and help me dye my hair... wahoo. Okay, yeah, I'm not all that excited about it. I feel so dull and ugly. I can't wait to go to Pensacola.... even if it is going to be w/ my parents. I mean, its going to be fun. At least I won't have to work for 5 days, and I get to see my sis. That will be cool. ~sigh~
I feel like I'm constantly striving for perfection of some sort. There has to be something mentally disturbing about setting unattainable goals.... or maybe they are only unattainable b/c I make them that way. I just need to lose 20 pounds, find a more respectable job, and oh yeah... get my ex whom I've-never-met-in-person-yet-always-argue-w/ back.
Alright, here's some stupid ass random poet I'm writing... that hardly rhymes, has no rhythm, and pretty much sucks... I know I know... I'm great at intro's haha... I should go on a tour w/ someone.

My enemy

When I look in the mirror, I hate who I see.
When I don't look in the mirror, I forget who I be.
It's like in this horrid battle I hide,
And I'm the only person on my side.
With every move I make... I remember my enemy's better counter action with which I've dealt.
I'm alone... this deep emotion is emptier than I have ever felt.
Every aspect of my life is a struggle.
I feel like I fell into a deep pool because of a shuffle.
I've forgotten how to swim,
So I fight to win.
I tred the water and see the light,
Putting up a good survival fight.
Going nowhere, but my destiny.
My life exists soley for others... my enemy.
I feel incredibly empty.
I want to be more empty.
Any good thoughts or feelings are chased away.
Why do I whine about being alone all day,
But then bitch to have my solitude?
Why do I eat when emptiness is crushed by food?
Why do I live if only for the sustenance of my enemy?
Reality... Reality will always be my enemy.

Lamentations

Lamentations 4:8-10
Their visage is blacker than a coal; they are not known in the streets: their skin cleaveth to their bones, it is withered, it is become like a stick.
They that be slain w/ the sword are better than they that be slain w/ hunger: for these pine away, stricken through for want of the fruits of the field.
The hands of the pitiful women have sodden their own children: they were their meat in the destruction of the daughters of my people.