6.6.04
31.5.04
Unrequited Seduction
Standing in front of a crowd of a thousand,
My body convulses and my mind turns blank.
Trying to forget how my soul has been damned,
How I've been demoted to the lowest rank.
My mouth try to utter an apology,
While all the piercing eyes shout their disbelief.
They make feel I deserve this agony.
Regret settles in. There will be no relief.
Shaking fists, mutterance of "crucify her,"
Vagueness, terror, suffering, embarrassment.
My mother, how could I defy her?
My father, why all the harassment?
That's what it all comes down to: social status.
How could this offspring of theirs be so horrid,
How could this young daughter have so much malice?
Sweat bands feel as if they're piercing my forehead.
I'm damn sick of being a people pleaser.
Its not something in my bones, body, or belief.
I love to be free, to be a men teaser,
To be myself is an ever sweet relief.
Now I stand for all th fucking crowd to see.
Not bodly, not energetic, but naked,
See my imperfections, my indecency.
See my temper, the reason I am hated.
This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
I'm ready for all of your criticism.
This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
Try to settle down, contain your orgasm.
Really, this is my stage to you.
You'll never be up here with me.
I'll never long to be with you.
Understand, you can't change me.
I'm the opposite of a people pleaser.
-- I am lonely --
Stubborness will keep me forever up here.
Lack of interest will keep the crowd down there.
My body convulses and my mind turns blank.
Trying to forget how my soul has been damned,
How I've been demoted to the lowest rank.
My mouth try to utter an apology,
While all the piercing eyes shout their disbelief.
They make feel I deserve this agony.
Regret settles in. There will be no relief.
Shaking fists, mutterance of "crucify her,"
Vagueness, terror, suffering, embarrassment.
My mother, how could I defy her?
My father, why all the harassment?
That's what it all comes down to: social status.
How could this offspring of theirs be so horrid,
How could this young daughter have so much malice?
Sweat bands feel as if they're piercing my forehead.
I'm damn sick of being a people pleaser.
Its not something in my bones, body, or belief.
I love to be free, to be a men teaser,
To be myself is an ever sweet relief.
Now I stand for all th fucking crowd to see.
Not bodly, not energetic, but naked,
See my imperfections, my indecency.
See my temper, the reason I am hated.
This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
I'm ready for all of your criticism.
This is my stage to the whole fucking world.
Try to settle down, contain your orgasm.
Really, this is my stage to you.
You'll never be up here with me.
I'll never long to be with you.
Understand, you can't change me.
I'm the opposite of a people pleaser.
-- I am lonely --
Stubborness will keep me forever up here.
Lack of interest will keep the crowd down there.
30.5.04
Isn't it great to be wanted?
So, I"m thinking. In honor of memorial day weekend, I"mgoing to go out w/ a army boy... but there's a long story behind it... so let me give you the semi-edited version.
There was this guy my senior year of highschool who totally came out of his timid shell, and became loud, obnoxious, and obssessed w/ me. Its like he knew I wouldn't go out w/ him so he made it a point to harrass me on an hourly basis. I went to a small Christian school, and all my classmates took all the same classes. So every day, every hour of school this guy was constantly making lude comments toward me and "flirting" in his odd little way. Of course, I became annoyed and it was an understood on-going joke that all my schoolmates and teachers knew about. Since I was a smartass, none of the teachers really took my side. It was like the boy who called wolf. This isn't a pity story though... it was all funny, just slightly annoying; but you have to something to make the school day interesting. Okay, so this guy... he's now in the army and he for some reason is actually hot. Tan, muscular... you know, the works. HAHA... since I've always been a bitch to him, I don't have to worry about him getting mad and leaving when I am bitch.... so tonight he's taking me out to dinner. He's going back to afghanistan or somewhere in 4 days, so its all good. Maybe i'll post a pic on here of him if I can snap one tonight. Wahoo. I know I'll have fun b/c he knows he can't get anywhere w/ me. I guess this makes me even more bitchy though... going outw/ a guy for a free dinner and a confidence boost... but what girl hasn't done that?
There was this guy my senior year of highschool who totally came out of his timid shell, and became loud, obnoxious, and obssessed w/ me. Its like he knew I wouldn't go out w/ him so he made it a point to harrass me on an hourly basis. I went to a small Christian school, and all my classmates took all the same classes. So every day, every hour of school this guy was constantly making lude comments toward me and "flirting" in his odd little way. Of course, I became annoyed and it was an understood on-going joke that all my schoolmates and teachers knew about. Since I was a smartass, none of the teachers really took my side. It was like the boy who called wolf. This isn't a pity story though... it was all funny, just slightly annoying; but you have to something to make the school day interesting. Okay, so this guy... he's now in the army and he for some reason is actually hot. Tan, muscular... you know, the works. HAHA... since I've always been a bitch to him, I don't have to worry about him getting mad and leaving when I am bitch.... so tonight he's taking me out to dinner. He's going back to afghanistan or somewhere in 4 days, so its all good. Maybe i'll post a pic on here of him if I can snap one tonight. Wahoo. I know I'll have fun b/c he knows he can't get anywhere w/ me. I guess this makes me even more bitchy though... going outw/ a guy for a free dinner and a confidence boost... but what girl hasn't done that?
29.5.04
Today was an interesting day... I had to get up really early and travel to a friend's of my sister's weddings. It wasn't horrid... jut all boring. Everthing about today was boring. 4 hours in a car. Two/three hours of boredom in a church/reception hall... then back to 4 hours in a car. wahoo! I'm all crampy and cranky... its great
24.5.04
some days I can think of nothing else...
Some days I can think of nothing else but how much I want to be with scott. Some days all I can think about is what we had... what more we could of had. I have to remind myself that he is with someone else now. She is about to move in with him, so I should be over him. July 4th will be a year since we broke up. Is it sad that I"m still not over him? Does love ever give up? I don't think I'll ever have the answer to that question. Every day proves that it can push me longer...
23.5.04
18.5.04
"THE WOMAN LINGER at the waters edge... This is an image of bounty, a view of female physicality in which a woman's hungers are both celebrated and undifferentiated, as though all her appetites are of a piece, the physical and the emotional entwined and given equal weight. Food is love on this landscape, and love is sex, and sex is connection, and connection is food; appetites exist in a full circle, or in a sonata where eating and touching and making and feeling close are all distinct chords that nonetheless meld withand complement one another."
-- exert from the prologue of Appetites : Why Woman Want by Caroline Knapp
I finally was able to find and pick up this book at Barnes And Noble. It's awesome! Definitely recommend it. I haven't even read much yet... its great though. :)
-- exert from the prologue of Appetites : Why Woman Want by Caroline Knapp
I finally was able to find and pick up this book at Barnes And Noble. It's awesome! Definitely recommend it. I haven't even read much yet... its great though. :)
21.3.04
Its frustrating that once I finally let ppl read my writings.. they don't get me. I normally don't let people read mostly b/c I have this problem w/ perfection. I'll sit and re-word my writings 20... 30 times. This one I went over once and didn't feel like changing anything. The stupid parts make the better sound good? no... not really. Anyways, the other reason I don't let ppl is b/c I don't think they will get me, and my gracious, I was right. This fucking poem has nothing to do w/ suicide. ITs about running out of options. Its about knowing there is nowhere I can turn where my heart won't feel ripped out. ~sigh~ I really don't care if people get it. Just say to yourself, "wow, that was a piece of shit" and go on w/ your life.
16.3.04
Peaceful Anguish
She sits and stares into the void of the night,
And trys to find sommething in her life that's bright.
Not that it would help her.
Her mind instantly turns to her lost lover;
The pain is too intense for her to cover.
Not that it would hide her.
She finds a rope and trys to make a slipknot
To end her sad life and make her body rot.
Not that it would hold her.
She throws the rope and picks up a razor blade,
Closes her eyes to make all memory fade.
Not that it would haunt her.
She suddenly becomes ever so peaceful--
So peacefully numb to her pain, it's blissful.
Not that it would hurt her.
She slowly scrapes the blade down her wrist's vein;
Along w/ the blood, rushes in all the pain.
Not that it would harm her.
She jumps, startled, so startled that the blade fell.
She screamed at it and told it to go to hell.
Not that it would hear her.
She see's a lost, sad girl in the window glass,
Not recognizing her reflection or past.
Not that it would hate her.
She's tired, angry, confused, and worn out.
Can't feel her pulse because her heart's been torn out.
Not that it would hunt her.
She stops eating because she hates her "temple."
Starvation's techniqute is ever so simple.
Not that it would house her.
Her body slowly startes to emaciate.
Of course, its not something she utterly hates.
Not that it would heal her.
She walks to the kitchen to the pantry door,
Food binging starts while her mind keeps screaming "more! "
Not that it would hush her.
She eats until she can not eat anymore,
Stares in the toilet's void, falling to the floor.
Not that it would hollow her.
Her body hates her.
Her mind hates her.
Her heart hates her.
Not that they would humble her.
Her body gains when she tells it to lose.
Her mind heals when she wants it to bruise.
Her heart hates when he trys to amuse.
Not that they would honor her.
Her body bleeds when she tells it to heal.
Her mind rebels when she wants to deal.
Her heart is numb when she trys to feel.
Not that they would hinder her.
She sinks into a dark corner... knowing that her life will continue for eternity. She doesn't fight her problems anymore. Just sits back and watches them in a way that seems a distant view. Peaceful anguish will continue. She needs a savior to heal her, but will he ever appear? It seemms as if he has stopped caring
And trys to find sommething in her life that's bright.
Not that it would help her.
Her mind instantly turns to her lost lover;
The pain is too intense for her to cover.
Not that it would hide her.
She finds a rope and trys to make a slipknot
To end her sad life and make her body rot.
Not that it would hold her.
She throws the rope and picks up a razor blade,
Closes her eyes to make all memory fade.
Not that it would haunt her.
She suddenly becomes ever so peaceful--
So peacefully numb to her pain, it's blissful.
Not that it would hurt her.
She slowly scrapes the blade down her wrist's vein;
Along w/ the blood, rushes in all the pain.
Not that it would harm her.
She jumps, startled, so startled that the blade fell.
She screamed at it and told it to go to hell.
Not that it would hear her.
She see's a lost, sad girl in the window glass,
Not recognizing her reflection or past.
Not that it would hate her.
She's tired, angry, confused, and worn out.
Can't feel her pulse because her heart's been torn out.
Not that it would hunt her.
She stops eating because she hates her "temple."
Starvation's techniqute is ever so simple.
Not that it would house her.
Her body slowly startes to emaciate.
Of course, its not something she utterly hates.
Not that it would heal her.
She walks to the kitchen to the pantry door,
Food binging starts while her mind keeps screaming "more! "
Not that it would hush her.
She eats until she can not eat anymore,
Stares in the toilet's void, falling to the floor.
Not that it would hollow her.
Her body hates her.
Her mind hates her.
Her heart hates her.
Not that they would humble her.
Her body gains when she tells it to lose.
Her mind heals when she wants it to bruise.
Her heart hates when he trys to amuse.
Not that they would honor her.
Her body bleeds when she tells it to heal.
Her mind rebels when she wants to deal.
Her heart is numb when she trys to feel.
Not that they would hinder her.
She sinks into a dark corner... knowing that her life will continue for eternity. She doesn't fight her problems anymore. Just sits back and watches them in a way that seems a distant view. Peaceful anguish will continue. She needs a savior to heal her, but will he ever appear? It seemms as if he has stopped caring
25.1.04
20.1.04
I haven't posted for a while. I've been just kind of keeping all my stress and anger inside, which of course, makes me explode sometimes. I honestly still don't feel like talking about it. I'm just so confused. People in my life are getting on my nerves. I can't think of one person that doesn't easily aggitate me. It seems most of them try. I'm sick of dealing with people who are pissed off at me for no reason, or that one who just can't make up his fucking mind what he wants. I need to find some happiness somewhere...
14.1.04
8.1.04
Eh, being a girl sucks. I spend one week cranky and then the next feeling like shit physically. That's the week I'm on now... which in turn is making me have an excuse for soemthing.... or at least in my mind it gives me an excuse. The only thing I don't have an excuse for is yoga... b/c that makes me feel better. Well, one good thing about my period is it makes me not want food. I need to lose somem major weight.
6.1.04
yay! I finally reformatted my computer. Now I can use my webcamm and stuff. Isn't that exciting? Well, today has been okay.... just shopping ... wasting my money... then on the computer forever. I've hada lot of soup... my stomache kinda feels... soupy... hehe oh well. yay for me actually fixing my computer!
2.1.04
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